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(((Gardener))) We've all been in that hole; that sink hole we all fell in when the bomb was dropped, that fox hole trying to dodge incoming, that hell hole feeling sorry for ourselves and wallowing around in the muck of the day, and in the rabbit hole experiencing little tidbits of fantasy and amazement when we see the sun peaking through the clouds on occasion. What I hope all of us can come to is a different kind of hole- WHOLE.

There are a lot of very wise people on these boards, some whose sitches I have only lurked in, some whose posts I have read and had "aha" moments. We all want one thing, to come out of this WHOLE. Nothing missing, better than ever, shiny and happy.

You have shared nothing but thoughtfulness with the rest of us and I am a believer in what goes around comes around. I have no doubt that you, sir, will come out of this WHOLE.

BIM

Gardener ~

I sat here tonight thinking of you...

Of what you said to me...

As I sat I held my Bible in my hands hoping for a word to give to you. This is what came to me...

(I will be back later since my son is still up however I felt the need to share with you when it came.)

Psalm 13
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
My enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

(((Hugs))) my friend

(((Serenity,)))
As always, thank you.
Goodnight.

Just thought...all the passages I've passed on to you were from memory. I only have a New Testament (NIV)! No idea where my Bible is. Gotta remedy that.

Signing off. I've got a big PMA non-wallowing day ahead of me tomorrow thanks to you guys!

(((Gardener)))

As always you are most welcome.

I never made it back online last night, my MIL called and we were on the phone for over an hour and then I went to sleep and was surprised to have a very sound slumber...

Woke up this morning peaceful and content.

I wish I could quote scripture from memory however I am not that good yet.

I hope you find your Bible and you are having a wonderful blessed day my friend.

Do you have PMA going strong today, Gardener?
And you better find that Bible...

Bunny

Gardener ~

Just checking in to make sure you are ok today? Don't make us send out a search party

PLEASE READ. THIS ONE'S A DOOZY. I NEED FEEDBACK/VALIDATION! BADLY!
Serenity, Bunny and bim,Thank you. I had a great day. Beautiful weather. Worked at two of my favorite client properties (absolutely splendid gardens if I do say so myself).

PMAed all day. Don't know much about cognizant dissonance yet, Gima, but when the Funk Monster reared up I did one of three things alternately and they all worked immediately:
1) I said, "Enough!" or "Stop!"
2) I counted my abundances
3) I said, "Y'know, Gardener, it's been a friggin' year, now. Give it up.

To All My DB Friends and Support: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!

Tonight, however was alternately awful and eye-opening. Boy, was it eye-opening! I was at the mediator's with my STBXW (first time I've used that term). And she wasn't the alien tonight; she was THE ALIEN!

And Gardener finally found out why STBXW is divorcing him. First time she's ever told me. True. Friggin' absolutely INSANE, but true.

And Gardener is DONE. FINIS, BETRAYED AND DETACHED AND COUNTING THE DAYS UNTIL DIVORCE!

Friends, I'll start with the simple ones (not easy, but simple).

She is seeing to it that she alienates my beloved StepS and StepD. As you may recall, STBXW flew to Chicago to see daughter and new granddaughter. She went Saturday, staying through Wednesday. Stepson went Saturday, also, staying through Monday. You will also recall that late Friday night I got a cheap Priceline out early Saturday morning, returning 4 hours later. Just enough to say surprise, hold and kiss that infant, smoke a stogie, hold and kiss that infant some more and leave in a couple of hours so as not to impose on their plans, if any and their time together. Bought flowers, candy and stogies for all. Left even earlier than planned and spent a couple of hours at the airport reading until my flight.

Tonight I'm told by STBXW (or rather, she tells mediator), that they are all disgusted that I showed up unannounced and uninvited and were appalled. My family!

As you may know, my S,30 was recently WAW'ed and was served yesterday. STBXW has spent a lot of time with WAW DIL, dinners, lunches, on the phone etc. Both immediately before WAW and since (coincidence?). Anyway, my son tells me two weeks ago that my STBXW is spending all this time with his STBXW
and has never even called him to say she's sorry or "How are you holding up?" "Is gender more important to her than 17 years of stepson/stepmother relationship?", son says to me?

Well at Chicago, I happened to butt in and tell my STBX that S is kinda hurt by that. She recounted my comment to her to the mediator by mimicking me in the most disdainful, snotty, vitriol-filled way, which, of course is how her "son and daughter perceived it as well". I'm sorry, but nope. Didn't happen. No way, If anything, I approached it gingerly and gently since a) it probably wasn't really my place to say that (my son is, after all, an adult and can make his own case to her) and, b) I make it a point to talk very gently and gingerly whenever I do talk to her because I know she hears me through her "he's-a-demon filter.

Now, why is she divorcing me? Well, I finally found out tonight.

WARNING: We're all adults here, but I must tell you this will be explicitly graphic! And you re the only people I would ever share this with, except my IC. I am dumbfounded.


1) She dreaded coming home to me every night last year (excuse me, I had undiagnosed depression!).

2) (Here we go). Mr. & Mrs. G always had one rip-roarin' fantastic sex life, thank God. In addition to that fact, I want you to picture thisokay, consider this: Even when not having sex, Mr. & Mrs. G got to bed, spoon fashion, me behind (no pun). Well, that can lead to unintended arousal, as we all know. For 15 years she would giggle, grind back and ask me if I wanted to ML.
Last year, she suddenly hated it. It kept happening, naturally. She said I was doing it on purpose. I usually wasn't, but sometimes - sometimes - I did do a little nudge-nudge-, wink, wink, with the old kliegel muscles on purpose.

I lied and kept insisting it was involuntary. Shortly after she moved out when we were working on our relationship, we were reading Terry Real's The New Rules Of Marriage together. His definition of intimacy came up: "Intimacy is choosing to live in truth with another." So, I told her. I'm a healthy, functioning man and it usually just happens. But yes, I do occasionally give her the ol' nudge-nudge on purpose but would stop or roll over when she expressed displeasure. Of course she was then p!ssed that it would occasionally happen again hours later in the depths of REM sleep, "But that's no excuse!."

Well, that's the day she was pretty much convinced she was going to divorce me. For lying. (Let's see: Lie.+ Examine conscience.+ Contritely apologize= DIVORCE!!)

But wait!!! The very next day she tells this to her female IC who tells her that that is SEXUAL ABUSE. So she irrevocably decides to divorce me. WTF!?!

And then she waits 3 months to tell me she wants a divorce and 6 months to tell me why(tonight).
I apologize for the graphic nature of this but I am dumbfounded!

And you know what? I always suspected (without proof) that her father's physical abuse of her may have included some sexual abuse (she hadn't had anything to do with him for 30 years) and he died just around the time this 15-year long nudge-giggle-ML game became a problem last year.

I apologize for being graphic, but you guys are all I've got for something of this magnitude.

Ladies, am I being crazy, here? Am I wrong that 15 yrs of play became unacceptable, something so innocent suddenly became Sexual Abuse?!?

Gardener is so done. Finished. Betrayed, incredulous!

Done . Bye-Bye alien. And, quite possibly bye-bye my stepkids. This is the second time she intimated turning (or the threat of turning) them from me. And she is totally ignoring my son in his pain. She is going to purposely sever all ties of this blended family.

There. Now if this diatribe isn't a Gardener record-breaker, I don't know what is!

Thank you. Sorry if I offended in any way.


But tomorrow? Back to PMA!! I HAVE done everything I could. Who could reconcile/repair with that kind of warped thinking?

I apologize for not checking in on any of your sitches tonight, but I'm sure you understand.

Thanks for reading.

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

((((Gardener))))

First I am glad to see you again - I hate worrying...

Being a lady myself - No you are not crazy...

You do know what she is doing here right?

I know you are mad and upset right now however you will see this later when you have a chance to calm down a little...

Your post is a perfect example of gas-lighting/blameshifting/projection...

The gas-lighting is making you think you are crazy (no you are not)...

Stop and breathe, now do it again...

Don't make any decisions based on your emotions right now - You know this my friend...

Take some time for just you, go dark...

I know this isn't what you expected however it is clear to me she is still living in that nasty fog...

You saw the alien - Sucks I know - I call it the monster but remember this - The alien isn't your wife - Your wife is in there, lost but still in there somewhere...

Promise you won't make any rash decisions tonight?

Hi Gardener.

Man, I'm sorry. BTW...I don't believe a word of it (what she's saying, that is). Sometimes we don't know why they do what they do, and as hard as it is (and believe me I know how hard it is)...sometimes we're better off just accepting it for what it is. Maybe she doesn't even know what or why. The point is it's beyond our control. We can't waste time or energy on things that are beyond our control. The best thing that I can tell you right now is something that CIPA wrote to me recently...

"Antlers,

I know this may be hard to stomach, but a Divorce is about destruction. It's sad to fathom, but it's about the destruction of everything you and your WAW has created.

It's hard to imagine, but my cousin told me that I need to treat her as the enemy. This is the war where there are no winners. What we need to focus on now is how to minimize the fall out on the innocent (the children).

So what I'm focusing on is how to make sure the boys and I are as whole as possible after the destruction of what was built up over the past decade. We can't save it all, but we can make sure the future for us and our boys will be the best.

We owe this for ourselves as well as our boys. Get a good lawyer that can help keep your emotions in check and treat this as a business negotiations.

Things are screwed up because of the choices the WAW had made. Whatever role we had played, we have tried to atone for our mistakes. In the end, nothing we say or do now will hurt more than when our children cast their own judgement on what really caused the divorce.

Stay strong and protect yourself and your children.

Thank you. I promise.