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Another rough night.

When I get home from work, I discover that D17 is locked in her room crying her eyes out (W is gone on an errand and didn't know).
It's the most upset I've ever seen her.
She doesn't want to talk about it, but eventually I find out that she has some serious problems with her boyfriend.

It must feel like all the relationships around her that she depends on are falling apart. I wasn't offering any help, our solutions, just listening. But she tells me she has to handle it all herself now.

I can't imagine how all this is effecting her and D13. I'm doing my best, but this is really awful.

There were times during my sitch that I honestly felt like a single father, or even like my wife had died. I'll never forget the day I had to meet my D-then-18 for lunch, to talk to her about some highly inappropriate things the keylogger had turned up her doing on the family computer. Not to be sexist or anything, but I was WAY outta my league that day, and REALLY wanted my wife!!!

Puppy

Yes, I've always thought me and W were a good parenting team, but now I'm questioning everything. We are trying to do somethings together for the kids, but it seems like it's just a show, and the kids see through it. I feel just like you said: like a single father. I now know W feels like she has often been a single mother.

here's what I'm struggling with now. What is the balance between
"doing what works" and working on detachment?

right now, I don't know if anything is really working. It appears that she is running farther and faster away. I know I'm not supposed to be worried about W at all, but how do I relate that to what works.

She doesn't appear happy right now, and a little pissy about the room change. Late last evening she came in Master Bedroom and asked where my one pack of cigarettes was( I don't smoke, I bought one back the day after the bomb. The last time I smoked was 16 years ago, the last time we went through this). I told her where they were in my car, and that I would prefer the kids not see her smoke.

At 5am, she came back into master bedroom/bath and removed most of her bathroom stuff. We didn't exchange a word.

These interactions are very tense, and don't feel like good DB'ing to me. I don't know.

You are making the common mistake of trying to judge "what works" solely on what her MOOD is. That's short-term stuff, and -- c'mon -- you KNEW that she'd be pissy about you returning to the master bedroom, right? So she's "punishing" you with this now. DON'T PLAY THE GAME.

Your demeanor needs to be (as Robx likes to say) "Life is great, I'm fine, I'm going to be great."

"Doing what works" should be evaluated only ONE way:

by her ACTIONS (not her words or moods), OVER TIME.

Puppy

Thanks again Puppy; this is something I can focus on. It's amazing to me the gulf between my emotions and thoughts.

Gardener,

Thanks again. I ordered a copy of Rational Recovery at our local bookstore. too bad they didn't have it in stock. They said two weeks! I'll keep looking at other stores.

Right now it looks like W has seriously improved the hiding of her drinking, or is trying to stop cold-turkey. I am really limiting my time around her, but what should I expect?

I took another small move.

I own my own small business. Its very simple, and I get paid in personal checks each week. My wife has always wanted to be in charge of our finances, so she has been doing the deposits for my business. I give her the checks and and cash, she logs them on the computer and then deposits them in my business account.

I went to the bank this week and confirmed that she has not been siphoning any money....yet.

I told her that I had decided to handle my own business, and I would be making my own deposits from now on. I tried to make it clear there was no threat involved, and I was simply wanted to focus on my business more.

she wasn't happy

Even though mostly everyone has said to sever our finances completely, I'm somehow unsure. On one hand it will send a strong signal that I am moving on, but I'm also thinking about what is the "right thing to do" for the family.

Since I'm so divided, I've been waiting till I have some clarity, but maybe I never will.We only have a small amount of savings, since we spent most of it last spring on a house renovation, so I'm not sure I'm risking a lot.

Since W has access to all accounts and credit cards, I would have to close my business account, and open another one (at another bank I presume). C thinks this is too threatening a move. I don't know.

How much is the available balances, total, on the joint credit cards, and how much of that is available right now?

If it's not a lot of money, you might be best to just leave it to what you've done so far. I will say, however, that the way you positioned it:



is disingenuous, and your wife knows it. You should have just said "It's what I've decided to do for now," or "Considering some of your recent decision-making, I felt I needed to do what's best for me and my business right now."

THERE IS NO SHAME IN PROTECTING YOURSELF.

Puppy

There is about 15-18k in the accounts, depending on which bills are about to be paid. She's been in charge of all house hold bills, so I don't know how many checks are outstanding.

We had spent over 30k of savings on the home renovation.

I just checked the credit cards. One has only a few hundred, the other has $4500 (her recent MLC purchases included).
There's about 15k of available credit between the two. There's a more money involved than I thought. Neither card representative knew or wanted to discuss how to get my name off the account!?

I've collect the home equity paperwork/checkbook for myself. I don't know if she can access it. That's my next errand.