Katie - STOP wondering what every comment he makes is about. You won't figure anything out until he does. And chances are he won't figure out anything anytime soon. So stop channeling so much of your precious time and energy on what your H is doing and start channeling all that energy on YOU.
Do not reply to the text right away. Wait a few hours. You are not at his beckon call. Do you really think its appropriate or respectful to you that your H that just dumped you and told you he wanted a divorce texted you about having sex? Do you feel that is a reasonable discussion to have via text?
After waiting a bit I would reply by saying.. "H, this is not an appropriate or respectful way to discuss our sex lives given your desire to end our marriage" And let that be that. Until you show him things *are* going to be changing you will be stuck in his horrifying cycle and it will all be self inflicted.
So he just text me "So are we done now with sex too?" This was because last night when he initated it I turned him down, I was not going to have sex with him after he told me earlier he wanted a divorce??? What is that all about, and what should I reply back to him??
Boundary time!
"I understand that you're trying to figure out if you want to stay in this marriage, but being intimate with you is causing too much confusion. So until you figure out what you want to do, I think it's better that we don't have sex."
This puts the ball back in his court.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Katie - STOP wondering what every comment he makes is about. You won't figure anything out until he does. And chances are he won't figure out anything anytime soon. So stop channeling so much of your precious time and energy on what your H is doing and start channeling all that energy on YOU.
Indeed. As I've been telling someone else on this forum, you literally cannot figure out what he is thinking, because he doesn't know what he is thinking.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
Do you really think its appropriate or respectful to you that your H that just dumped you and told you he wanted a divorce texted you about having sex? Do you feel that is a reasonable discussion to have via text?
Also, this.
He wants to make grown-up decisions like ending his marriage? He gets to talk about them like an adult.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thank you guys. No I don't think it is respectful for him to talk about any of that. I do not think about him all day trust me these last 2 weeks have been about me and now that has happened I can see my life without him in and I am just fine. It is just things like this that tick me off. And I don't know how to respond that is why I got on here so you guys could help me out and you have great advice which I will follow for sure. How do I know if it is working???
Thank you guys. No I don't think it is respectful for him to talk about any of that. I do not think about him all day trust me these last 2 weeks have been about me and now that has happened I can see my life without him in and I am just fine. It is just things like this that tick me off. And I don't know how to respond that is why I got on here so you guys could help me out and you have great advice which I will follow for sure. How do I know if it is working???
You will know when he comes to you and says he wants back in. Not before.
His thoughts and emotions will be bouncing all over the place while he tries to work out what he wants, what he sees you doing -- trust me, he will notice even if he doesn't say anything -- and what that means for your R.
This is another reason why we say that these changes and improvements must be for you. There is no guarantee that anything you say or do will bring your husband back to you. This is true regardless of if you are DB'ing on not.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thank you guys so much. I know his thoughts are bouncing all around, he cannot figure out why I am not calling him crying that he change his mind or beg him too. I think he has no idea what to do about it since it has never been this way before. Thanks again!
If you are trying to read your H's mind or you are *sure* his thoughts are bouncing all around then you are still not DB'ing.
Who cares what he thinks? Not you! Not me!
You can think what he thinks all you want but once again it's not how to DB for YOU. How about what YOU think about YOU and for YOUR present and YOUR future? I would like to hear more about that.
Consider your H old news. Like I said, eventually you will grow very saturated with this BS and then DB'ing becomes easy.
By speculating what he is thinking you are simply trying to pacify yourself along with wasting massive amounts of mental energy and still struggling with control.
