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"I understand that you don't feel anything for me. You keep saying the same thing over and over, please stop now. It's very unattractive."



"I understand that is what you think is fair. I will decide my own course of action."



Time for Katie to change up her answers.



be all dressed up and heading out the door. go to the library, movie, see a old friend, buy a book, etc. look, smell, feel, sound great - be mysterious

Don't believe anything that they say and half of what they do.

Respond with "I understand how you can feel that way" and that's it. Don't agree with him, don't support his conclusions.



Be polite and upbeat; have a positive mental attitude.

If you can find a reason to go be somewhere else, do so.

If not, don't be drawn into relationship discussions. If you can't avoid it, then validate along the same lines as above; if he asks you for a decision or is pressuring you for a response, say "I'll have to think about it and get back to you." Never make a snap decision.

When my H first dropped the bomb he would ask me 300 times a day "how WE should proceed". My answer was always the same... I plan to proceed with as little disruption to my life as possible since I was not offered the common respect and courtesy of being part of the decision for OUR lives. You may proceed as you wish but you will be doing it without my support or assistance and I will comply only as the law requires me too.

This was in March of 2008. When he said time and time again for close to 1.5 years divorce was his only option. Our legal separation agreement is due to be filed this Monday.

In his mind this separation will "wipe the slate clean". I played the game of "working with him" to reach a settlement but short of him dumping his affair in front of me and going to counseling he will get no more from me other than business transactions which will only take a day or two once our separation is filed.

He still whines and spews more BS than I thought possible and you would think by now he would be bored of the whole thing. Eventually though YOU will tire of it and when you do, things will become much easier.

My H burned me before as our separation was supposed to be filed on 10/30 but he backed out at the last minute. If he burns me again we will be going to trial and then I won't be quite so polite about what has been going on in his personal life for the past 20 months.

Be very unavailable to him. Be vague. WAS seem to forget they don't get the security of a wife/husband and they are treated as they behave. And I personally do not reward bad behavior.

Thank you all for your great advice. Last night before he got home I told him I was going to eat with my brother's fiance. So he got home and took our two boys with him. I didn't even get over to her house before he starts texting me asking if I was trying to avoid him or going to see someone else??? Then throughout the evening over the course of the 3 hours I was gone he kept texting me things??? Then I get home and excuse this but was taking a shower and he gets in with me?? Ok that does not happen with us and hasn't in forever. So what does that mean? I asked him what he was doing and he said just taking a shower, ok but you never just take a shower at the same time as me.
Then we are laying in bed and he starts talking to me about things and I just reply to them ok. Caught him off guard because I didn't argue with him or cry and beg. So then he tries after this to start kissing me etc...and I am just like what are you doing, you just told me today you wanted a divorce and you didn't feel anything for me, so what are you doing all of this for??? Can anyone help me I am so confused!!!

My point exactly... the WAS doesn't get to dictate the divorce then act "normal" with the texting, showering, inquiring where you are and who you are with and trying to be intimate with you.

This is where you need to set a boundary for YOU and YOU only and you can't worry about what your H will think or feel about it.

It means what it means for ALL WAS's... they are confused as to why you are not reacting w/pleading and crying and begging and why you are no longer "there" in the same capacity they are accustomed to.

I would simply tell him that since he feels he wants a divorce things will be changing and until he has sorted out his own mind and confusion you would prefer he honor and respect your personal space. If he would like to behave as a married couple there are many avenues to explore to begin to repair your marriage. If his desire is NOT to explore methods to repair your marriage with equal contribution then "acting" like a married couple when it suits him and him only is no longer acceptable to you.

Be calm and compassionate when you tell him this. Don't engage in conflict with him and NO R TALKS. Do not cry and show little emotion. Be confident but not cocky and continue to be very mysterious and vague. Say what you have to say then remove yourself from the room in the least dramatic way possible. Let him chew on that for a while.

Stop trying to figure him out. You won't. My WAS who left me in March of 2008 and is still with his affair is telling me he would like us to wipe the slate clean after our legal separation is filed and for us to get to know one another again. He says if that "goes well" then he will tell his GF. LOL! Um, no. So when I say the WAS is confused my H is a fine example.

I understand all that but at the same time people are different. I just wanted to see if maybe you guys would see it as him not wanting to divorce if he was texting me all the time when I was gone and got in the shower with me when that never happens. I know actions speak louder then words as well. I have no intention of crying or begging haven't done that for weeks now, and I think it has kind of hit him that I will be fine and move on no matter what happens. Sometimes I think he is trying to get a reaction out of me, that is like him though.

Not when it comes to this; walk-away spouses have very predictable sets of behavior.



There's no way to tell. You can't read his mind, because he's not 100% what he wants either.

He wants things to go according to his plan; as CityGirl says, he started the divorce talk so he gets to reap the consequences. He could also be cake-eating -- getting what he wants out of the relationship without having to put any effort into you.

Think of it this way....

Say you worked for a company for 10 years. And one day your boss says to you that you are fired and it really shocks you. And a week later he calls and tells you that even though he said you were fired he would like you to still work there when he needs you but he wont be paying you or offering you any benefits and instead of working at a desk you will have to sit on the floor and work. You won't get any breaks and when he does need you he will give you 5 minutes advance notice.

Tell me what you would say to that offer? Would you work for free on a moments notice while sitting on a dusty floor while your boss decides if you are worthy enough to be invited back for "normal" employment OR would you tell him to drop dead?

Essentially your H is doing just that to you and you are allowing it.

Yes, all people are different but if you spend some time reading the thousands of threads on this site or any other divorce site you will see ALL WAS's are the same. They are not unique at all. Your WAS is not different. Trust me.

I agree with citygirl. I too thought my H was different at first. He wasnt. I was in denial denial denial at first. Not MY h. /sigh. Turns out there really is a script. Keep ur head up and keep a positive outlook for YOURSELF! You simply must put yourself first. I know it sounds selfish, I thought so too. It really isnt.

Dusk

So he just text me "So are we done now with sex too?" This was because last night when he initated it I turned him down, I was not going to have sex with him after he told me earlier he wanted a divorce??? What is that all about, and what should I reply back to him??