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So I have been totally going into the dark with my husband, as far as not talking to him at all during his work day or texting at all. I don't look at this facebook page or ask who he is texting or talking too. I have stopped asking for reassurances for about 2 weeks and not talked about our future for about 2 weeks. Well he seems to be more distant toward me. I did post about if this was working about a week ago but he seems even more distant. He came home last night in a bad mood and I said that I felt that he was upset about something, and he told me that he feels the same as he did for the past three months, but then he told me how would I know because I don’t talk to him all day and never contact him at work thru messenger etc…??? So what does that even mean, I leave him alone and he gets upset and I talk to him during the day and he gets upset. It is like I can’t win??? Just wanting some advice on what to do from here?

This is exactly what I am worried about. I hope someone here can give you an answer. It seems so hard to figure these things out.

Katie,

It's hard for me to give you advice, as you seem to have multiple threads going and it's therefor hard to follow your sitch. But in general, I would say the mistake you are making is trying to evaluate the effectiveness of your DBing techniques (not pursuing him, not contacting him, etc.) with what he SAYS to you about it.

Personally, I'm seeing the opposite -- I'm seeing that it seems to GET to him, and therefore it's working??

However, you STILL pursued in your example from last nite, where I've highlighted it:

Puppy - I am confused. So, we are not to pursue him by asking about him being upset. Do we just ignore his mood? Do we just ignore everything unless it is a step towards out goals?

I am so lost. I just need it spelled out A-B-C style.

YES.

Unless it is rude or disrespectful -- which behavior you should call them on, and keep firm boundaries -- yes.

It's okay to ask them about non-R stuff, like the kids, family logistics, their job, politics, current events, etc. But asking them "Are you upset about something?" is temperature-checking, and pursuit, and will only lead to R talks.

It also makes one look needy, which isn't attractive.

Is that "A-B-C" enough?

Puppy

See, I think that is where I am getting confused. This shouldn't be hard...maybe it is lack of sleep.

So, mundane conversation is fine. Temp checking, looking for reassurances, or anything moving towards the R/D/M discussion is off limits.

I understand. I know I shouldn't have asked but I feel like if I completly ignore him he will think I don't care at all and see that this relationship isn't worth it. If I were in his shoes I would be upset if 2 weeks went by and he never asked me how I was when I looked upset? Maybe I am completly off base here. I am new to this. How do I know if it is working? He doesn't kiss me, this last weekend though, I was laying in bed and tired and he asked me what was wrong in a very nice way. I haven't heard him ask me that in forever. Then he says he feels the same way he did 3 months ago????

Correct.

So what is your suggestion if we notice he has had a bad day? How can we approach the "I care how you are doing" without appearing needy and pursuing?

Trust me, he knows how you feel about it. I'm guessing you've told him -- and shown him -- repeatedly before these past couple of weeks, correct?

You can also mix in some loving gestures -- AOSs (Acts of Service) -- but not to many, maybe 1x or 2x/week. Fold a pile of his laundry. Put the garbage out for him if that's a chore he normally does and hates having to do it (just thinking off the top of my head here, for female equivalents. For my wife, I would cover her up with a blanket if she fell asleep on the couch, giving her a kiss on the forehead; or maybe pull her car in the garage for her late at night when it was dark and creepy outside).

You will "know if it is working" in TIME -- weeks and months -- and you will measure it by what he DOES (or doesn't do), and not by what he SAYS.

Puppy