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So she lied about her lying? Lovely. I agree, try to be prepared for the worst. But I have to say, even though I expected it was still a blow, and one of the hardest moments. And then they get better though....

I would prepare for her to try to preempt what she probably believes is your imminent filing on HER, by filing on YOU.

I would separate my finances immediately.

I would prepare for her to possibly try to position your moving back into the marital bed as "emotional abuse"; read up on it, and talk to your atty about any vulnerabilities you might have in this regard, as well as any other do's and don't's at this point.

BE VERY AWARE OF ANY ATTEMPTS BY HER TO PICK A FIGHT WITH YOU. Do not respond if she does, other than the usual "I'm really sorry you feel that way."

Others may have other thoughts; those are off the top of my head.

Puppy

I'm sorry, I just had to comment on this. This is SO naive, and yet so typical. "Dear, there's a reason why they put that little 'v' in between the names of the parties. It's an adversarial system, sadly or not!"

You're not selecting an interior decorator, sheesh . . .

Puppy

my stomach is in knots now. I half expect her to have moved my stuff back out of the room when I get back home.

As far as emotional abuse? I can't see a case; but what do I know. Do you think it matters that half my stuff was still in the room, and that I had refused to move the rest out? I never committed to moving out permanently, is was just so we could get some sleep? That she offered several times to move into the guest room before?

I guess she could deny it all.

I'm feeling worse than ever, I've gotta get stronger; I'm suffering from the flu on top of all this.

You asked what could be the worse she might do. To me, the worst would be for her to take every penny out of your accounts, take the kids, and leave with OM without a trace. That is why you need to protect your finances and everything else that you can.

I don't know much about bi-polar, but we had a case like yours in our family. He M a woman who had been M before and had two children. "After" they were M just a short time, then he discovered she was bi-polar. I thought it was awful that she would keep that a secret until after he M her, but I suppose she was afraid to be honest. I remember that the doctor told him that she could be driving some day and just never go back home. What a nightmare!

Thanks sandi, karen, puppy for commenting here. I'm overwhelmed by all the factors that might at play with my W: Alchohol, MLC, BPD, possible OM. It's only been a few weeks into this, although it feels like an eternity.

She definitely has a drinking problem, but she has always managed it very well; or am I in denial?

Clearly has BPD, but it's been reasonably controlled for the past 15 years, other than the emotional damage to our relationship. Again, I doubt I have any objectivity.

I'm starting to think it's more of a MLC, with a possible OM, or caused by a brief EA/PA.

I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts about this, I'm feeling very lost.

Here's the update on tonight's drama, or lack thereof.

I left from home at 8pm, called D17 on her cell. Called S13 on the home phone. I was surprised that wife picked up; she's been using caller ID, and having my son pick up. She just said hello, and I simply said "I'm calling for S13". I likely should at least given her a greeting, but I wasn't unusually tense.

What's the best way to handle this? Why is she now answering the phone?

I finished the commute home, dreading a possible confrontation, preparing myself to avoid any arguments. I'm surprised to discover that she's cooked dinner, is home watching tv. She has moved most of her clothes out of the master bedroom into the guestroom, including her dresser. She's even move the rest of my stuff from the guestroom back in the master for me. The dresser is heavy. She told me that she'll be moving her bathroom stuff out as well, and that she can't sleep in the same bed with me; she figures I'm just doing this to make it tough on her.

I told her "you can do what ever you want, I am simply taking care of myself. Come and go as you please."

She was pretty down and grumpy, and it's not what I expected. I'm apprehensive about what's next.

Awoken,A drinking problem by definition is not manageable. Hide-able, sure. Function relatively "normally" in society despite it? kinda sorta, but life becomes a performance. A drinking problem, too much drinking, habitual drinking, alcohol abuse, self-medicating, whatever you call it is a problem.
Or, more often than not, it is masking a problem.

Keep going.

Thanks Gardener,

Of course you're right. I need perspective. I'm planning on joining an Al-anon group.

For more insight, you might want to look at the book Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey. Different approach. Worked immediately for me. Not a one-day-at-a-time approach. Rather Starting-today-and-forever. Not forever on-going recovering. Recovered. Period. (though I over simplify)Higher success rate than AA.
But, your call, of course.