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Well, she has not asked if I got the letter, or what I thought of it. Guess he assumes I got the email. There are parts I would like to respond to, but I'm afraid responding might be a mistake. She's definitely conflicted as evidenced by parts of the letter that contradict.

Anybody have an opinion?

It would help us if you describe your sitch more fully. What are your wife's complaints about the M? Are these the same issues as your previous separation or different ones? How did you reconcile after the separation? Did you go to MC? Is she seeing someone else?

Same issues, really. Lack of communication, which leads to lack of intimacy. We had years of good marriage; “I couldn’t have found anyone better for me if I searched the world over”. But problems arise, as they always do. And like most couples, we don’t deal with them well. Neither of us likes to argue or confront. So the problems just boil and fester under the surface until one day she snaps and says, “I’m outta here.” “We live like roommates”. Which was true.



The first time, I didn’t seek any help as I have here on this BB. She had no ties here, so she filed for divorce and left the state to work elsewhere. I refused to sign the papers. I pursued and pleaded for the first three or four months (of seven) and for the last three I “went dark” even though I had no concept of that tactic. I was “done” the night she called out of the blue and said, “I want to talk”. It was salvation in the eleventh hour.



Not last time. This time we went to one session after the separation. It was a disaster. When she said, “I’m done”, the counselor said, “Well, let’s talk about what is next.”



I really don’t think so. I’ve examined the cell phone bill and I don’t see anything that would lead me to believe that.

First I do recommend you read DR. If you can't afford it get it from the library.

Sounds like you didn't really make any changes after your first separation, you just went back to the normal routine and things eventually deteriorated again. This time you need to take a long hard look at yourself and identify things that need improvement. Then you work on them for yourself. Because if you don't, you will repeat the behavior and continue to have R problems no matter who you are with.

You said one of her complaints is that you live like roommates. Are you LD? Do you know why? That was an issue for me and I went to the doctor and discovered there was a medical reason for it.

Re: her letter, what specifically do you want to address? Why?

Will do.



Neither of us did.



I so get that, and am doing it.


Get that, too.



Yes. Our business has faltered and caused all sorts of financial problems. She wanted to stick with it. I thought it was a waste of time. But I wouldn’t fight it. Felt like I was sleeping with my boss. Pathetic, I know.


“Let’s be friends”. It’s such cake-eating. “Let me rip your heart out and turn your life upside down and rip our marriage apart. And after I’m done with all that, can we be buds? It’ll be a happy ending to the devastation I’m creating.” It pisses me off to no end.

I really like DR. DB, not so much. I felt very bogged down reading it. I am SO glad I found out about DR before I started reading DB (which I bought first) because I would have just written it off early.

It sounds like you are on the right track though. You are able to think things through before reacting.

Thanks, PG. I've been debating about which one is the best medicine. I think it's DR. Will order tomorrow!

Thank you!!

Another day. My therapist said I should journal so I thought it might be good to do it here. I trying to overcome the “what good will that do?” feeling and just do it. Sometimes you should do what others advise even when at the moment you don’t understand why they are telling you to do it. Even when it seems pointless.

I read the threads. So much heartache. It’s hard to get out of bed. Hard to start the day. Hard to just put one foot in front of the other. But I know that is what I have to do.

It seems to me that right now a lot of what I should do is about loving myself. That’s a new concept for me and I’m taking baby steps in learning how to do it…one day at a time. I feel like such a mess.

Norm,

One way to combat the "what good would it do" (what I call "don'tgiveashitness") is to change your outlook from one of RESULTS ("What good will it do in getting my marriage back?") to one of DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Rather than try to predict whether or not something will help turn your marriage around, start trying to live each day -- hell, live each SITUATION . . . from a standpoint of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What would God Himself have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"

It's spirit-building to go to bed at night knowing "Today I did my best to live my life the right way," and let the results be damned for the time being.

Puppy

Good advice. Thanks so much, Puppy.