Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Depressive WAW or Depressive MLC?- both with an EA

I use every interaction with MsR2C (as well as others) as a "Mirror". When I judge her actions, I reflect on my own selfish behavior.

Big intake of breath...!!

WAW has just picked the kids up as my shifts are nights for this week. This means that the boys have to sleep in the same bed as my WAW, in the spare room full of boxes and crap at her brothers place. Whilst the EA sleeps on the couch downstairs.

My WAW has just suggested that she may sleep over at the family home whilst I am on nights. But she isn't sure as it would/may confuse the boys.
Stupid WAW asked my opinion. I mean what does she think I would answer with -d'oh sorry love I think it is a terrible idea or mmmmmmm, I don't think it would confuse the kids and it would avoid the house/bed swapping for them - and they could sleep in their own beds, and my WAW would be away from the EA.....or would she - to find out I would just ask the kids.

I have to take this as a baby step forward in trying to get her into the family home again, and give me more opportunity to show how I really trying to make things work.
But there again, she may just be dangling this in front of me to get a reaction - my gut feeling is that this isn't the case.

I always believed that the kids would be the reason for her to enter the family home again - I only hope, and pray, that this may be the opportunity.

The WAW has never mentioned about coming home at all during her walkout. So this has to be a positive movement.

Mind you, she is only thinking about it....., but even this is a baby step in the right direction.

Today is the high, tomorrow will be the low I am sure.

Perhaps this is what all the tears were over during this weekend for her. Something has possibly hit home.

She went to a family 40th birthday party for her brother at the weekend - I am fairly sure that the EA attended in my place.

And this makes me so angry!!!!

But my WAW has admitted that she felt uncomfortable all night as I wasn't there.

'don't believe 90% of what you hear and 50% of what you see' applies here.

Regards,
Gyn.

Is anyone reading this?
Any comments...?

Ready2change.

Could you please expand on what you mean.

I also don't understand your shorthand.

I have read you sitch.
You have my heartfelt sorrow for what has happened, but please take strength in the fact that your postings have aided me.

Regards,
Gyn

Upon reflection...

I think this is an episode of just words from the WAW - a testing of the water if you like.
I feel that she will not go through with staying in the family home, and has only has reacted to me meeting up with an old female friend who she perceives as a threat to her having me pining for her at home alone.

The WAW has asked a lot of questions about my friend, and now I realize as a fool I have tried to allay any fears that something may spark between me and my old friend.

I should have played it a little cooler in telling my WAW about how me and my friend interact and at what level. I foolishly gave in to the fear of angering my WAW about my friendship and any effect it would have upon my relationship with my WAW.

I now realize that this seed of doubt in my WAW's mind could have been the catalyst to shift my WAW's focus from herself to what I am doing - and of how I may be moving on and creating a life w/o my WAW.

I tried to play down the possibility of my friend going out with me and my boys to see a firework display at the weekend, even though - and I am kicking myself black and blue over this - it transpired that the WAW's EA had bought tickets for the same firework display on the same night in the same block of seats for them to enjoy.

It seems that it would be ok for her to spend good quality time with him , but when I asked if she would like to go with me and the boys - I know I backslid - she turned it down.

Smelly brown stuff to this !!!!

If I have read this correctly, it would be in my interests to ramp up my friendship a little to germinate the seed of doubt and take a little of the initiative away from my WAW.

Some of the WAW's who have been brave enough to post on this forum have indicated that they preferred to see strength of will and decisive action from their LBS.

I must admit to failing this test of strength, but only because I was trying to avoid further conflict and jeopardize any future re consolidation.


What do I do ?!


This is one hell of a game of poker.
Win - you win the woman you love
Lose - heartbreak hotel..................

Advice from WAW or possible WAW's would be of great help.

Has anyone else gone through this part of a relationship and has any advice.........

HELP


Regards,
Gynandtonix.

I will not contact her at all.

I sense that this is the time for her to make up her own mind - she has caused this problem, she must work towards fixing it.

I intend to ramp up the pressure by contacting and making arrangements with my old friend.

Am I right?

Regards,
Gyn.

First, I am reading your thread. Others are as well, but may not be posting. If you need more support, visit other peoples threads and offer your support. IE: Read other threads and post support there, they will reciprocate.


I will expand on this. We all behave in selfish ways. Me, you , and our (ex)spouses. My ex wife (Miss ReadytoChange : MsR2C) will behave in ways that I do not understand. I also behave in ways that I feel are normal and acceptable, but the ex-wife believes I am behaving inappropriately. If I can delay my reactions to her strange behavior and "Put myself in her shoes" to help understand why she may be behaving a certain way, I gain a clearer vision of the truth. I am then compassionate and forgive her. By doing this, I no longer fuel the fire. She can call me whatever names she wants and it does not affect me. I know she is angry. She focuses her negative energy at me, but I do not accept it. I stay happy and feel sorry that she is angry. I can then walk away and continue to be happy.

How many sides to a relationship?
.
.
.
.
.
It takes two people to have a relationship. I own my half, I let her own her half.

I have full control over my thoughts, actions and words in every one of my relationships. I can change the dynamics in any one of my relationships by changing my thoughts and behaviors. By changing MY 1/2 of the relationship, I completely change the dynamics of the relationship.

Gyn...I'm reading as well.
Sorry I'm not much help. I'm only 1 month in after having the bomb dropped on me...my W is about to become a WAW...and I'm only on chapter 5 of DR. So I don't consider myself an expert...yet.
I've only gotten as far as GAL'ing and 180'ing & those principles would lead me to believe that a healthy friendship with an old friend would be a good thing.

Best of luck!

Here is what works for many:

1) Set your intention on improving your relationship with spouse.
2) Change the way you interact with spouse. Do things that improve the relationship. Stop doing things that make the relationship worse. Be very aware of how YOUR actions affect the relationship by watching spouses reactions.
3) Take the focus off of the relationship and focus on personal growth - Make positive changes in yourself to become sexually appealing as well as a better human being - Confidence, hygiene, good grooming, listening, etc.
4) Commit to personal growth.
5) Unconditionally love your spouse. Set them free to live the life they want. Set personal boundaries to protect yourself. Find happiness without them.

Ready2change,

You do make quite a bit of sense.
I agree in that I should focus upon myself, and that by changing myself I will change the dynamics of my M.

But these are just words.
It is very hard to make them become reality.

This is where my contact with an old friend is so against my nature,but I saw it as something that could change the dynamics of my relationship with my WAW.
Nothing had changed since I had been DBing. But I have had more contact with my WAW in the 5 days since where my WAW was told about me meeting with the old friend. My WAW has just rang to say she intends to stay for a few hrs tonight - possibly over night.
Who is to say she would have done this if I hadn't initiated contact with another woman?

The setting of boundries is very important...