My first reaction: you're supplicating. And that never works.
You're taking all of the responsibility for the marital failures, when SHE'S the one cheating on you?
Let me ask you: has she communicated significant marital complaints to you over the years? Or is this out of the blue?
She's obviously highly sensitive about the OM, and getting exposed. I suggest you use that to your advantage, and seriously consider exposing their affair, especially at work.
My first reaction: you're supplicating. And that never works.
You're taking all of the responsibility for the marital failures, when SHE'S the one cheating on you?
Let me ask you: has she communicated significant marital complaints to you over the years? Or is this out of the blue?
She's obviously highly sensitive about the OM, and getting exposed. I suggest you use that to your advantage, and seriously consider exposing their affair, especially at work.
Puppy
Yes, your right. I didn't see it as supplicating, but that's what it has turned into. I've been reading your posts and I need to seriously improve my mindset. At first, it was an 180 from what she was used to. I would usually try to reason with her, find a compromise. She did say she was shocked by my response after the bomb, but really I think it's just serving here WAW needs.
No, she has not communicated significant complaints. In fact, when I've confronted her several times over the past years about her emotional detachment, she claimed that it had nothing to do with me, but rather with her depression and said I just needed to be patient with her. After the bomb, she said "I shouldn't have had to say anything", and now she admits that she didn't say anything but it doesn't matter because she is a changed person.
As to the OM, I have seriously consider exposing it, but I don't have enough evidence. It's all circumstantial, and not conclusive, but it seems unlikely based on her behavior. She protest too much. There is another consideration: exposing it will definitely lead to her losing her job.
(I need to learn how to do the multiple quotes in one reply)
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I spent the morning trying to figure out how I'll get myself back into our bedroom. Things appear to have gotten worse. We've been cordial, but now she's not speaking and took off her wedding ring. Hopefully I managed not to give her the pleasure of knowing I noticed it.
Last night the washing machine broke down; we needed a new one and have been saving for a nice front loader she has always wanted. She told me to just go get the cheapest one out there, because money is tight. This led to a discussion of our finances. We've spent about 9k on her graduate school expecting to recoup it because she's gets a 5k raise once she completes the degree. Earlier in the week she mentioned using a loan to pay for the rest of it, and I asserted that considering the climate that she should go ahead and get the loan. It made her pretty mad!
I'm having a hard time balancing this DB, and her cake eating.
Last edited by Awoken; 11/09/0901:31 PM.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Puppy, Awoken also posted that he's moved out of the marital bed(room). I think he should move back in immediately. Thoughts?
This is one of those very few topics on the forum that will elicit 100% consensus opinion:
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE MARITAL BED.
If she's uncomfortable with you there, validate, and calmly suggest that she sleep somewhere else ("I understand; maybe you should move to the guest room. This is my bed, and I've done nothing wrong, and I have decided that I'd like to sleep here.")
If she protests, saying that you changed your mind, calmly say "Yes, I changed my mind."
Last night the washing machine broke down; we needed a new one and have been saving for a nice front loader she has always wanted. She told me to just go get the cheapest one out there, because money is tight. This led to a discussion of our finances. We've spent about 9k on her graduate school expecting to recoup it because she's gets a 5k raise once she completes the degree. Earlier in the week she mentioned using a loan to pay for the rest of it, and I asserted that considering the climate that she should go ahead and get the loan. It made her pretty mad!
I would suggest neither. The graduate school plan, as you yourself state, was for her to be in a better financial position to help the family. Since she is, in fact, running AWAY from the family now, this is her economic burden to bear, until a judge says otherwise.
You should suggest that she take out a personal loan for this, and that you won't be co-signing for it nor paying on it.
I would strongly suggest that you get some concrete evidence of an affair, as soon as possible. It will strengthen your hand, help you better understand what you are dealing with, and will buck you up to take these strong steps that I'm advocating.
We've spent about 9k on her graduate school expecting to recoup it because she's gets a 5k raise once she completes the degree.
It can be argued, if you divorce, that this college degree, if obtained during your marriage and paid for with family financials, is a marital asset. food for thought.
Puppy, Awoken also posted that he's moved out of the marital bed(room). I think he should move back in immediately. Thoughts?
This is one of those very few topics on the forum that will elicit 100% consensus opinion:
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE MARITAL BED.
If she's uncomfortable with you there, validate, and calmly suggest that she sleep somewhere else ("I understand; maybe you should move to the guest room. This is my bed, and I've done nothing wrong, and I have decided that I'd like to sleep here.")
If she protests, saying that you changed your mind, calmly say "Yes, I changed my mind."
Puppy
Hmmm, no baricade; but she locks the door.
Here's what I've already done (before I realized my mistake). I moved all my stuff out of my closet, and exchanged it with her craft stuff in the guest room closet. My dresser is still in the master bedroom and my bathroom stuff is still in the master bathroom, but she keeps pressing me to move and I've refused saying I still consider it our room.
I'm gonna move my stuff back in; just not sure when is the best time.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Don't fear her anger. Expect it and be prepared for it. She needs to see a man who shows strength and won't be used as a doormat.
If she is in an EA with OM (and sounds as if she is) then she will have little respect or admiration for you as long as you try to "make her happy". As I'm sure you know, nobody can make her happy but herself.....but I will go another step and say that as long as she is in this WAW mode, then you really should not focus on trying to "please her". I don't mean to give you the idea that you should be a brute, but when LBH's start trying to please their WAW....it comes across as being "weak". If you have a WAW b/c of her feelings for OM....then she needs tough love to be applied.
It seems that you are faced with a triple whammy in this stitch. Has she ever refused to take her meds before? I have heard that when a person is in the manic mode, that is when they will get stubborn about taking their meds b/c they don't think they need it any longer.
Did anything particular happen during the last 16 years that made it so difficult.....or is that just her description of the MR?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
