Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help... I need to stop reacting!

It may be an idea to stay away from the wine. When you are stressed and emotional it just adds to it. I have had to not have anymore - it helps lets my guard down and I feel less inhibited and then say everything I want to, not what I shouldnt.

Try to stay off it for a bit if you can.

Am I now in LRT?

I thing "going dark" can mean a number of things. For some it means NO contact unless it is about the children or business type matters. For others it means NO contact at ALL. For some it means going dark on all R talks and setting very firm boundaries that you must be prepared to enforce if they are not honored. For others it means to take ALL the focus off your WAS and situation and focus 120% on you and you only.

Going dark, IMO, doesn't have to be some dramatic gesture or declaration. Last summer my H e-mailed me a long message and not only did I wait almost a week to respond, when I did it was one short phrase.... "have a great summer!". Within minutes he responded back saying he had never heard me be so vague and why would I not tell him what was going on with me. I never responded to his query. That example of "going dark" was subtle yet sent a very clear message.

Going dark is situational to each individual I think. It's not to be nasty or unkind or further add to the conflict. It's a way to create space, healthy boundaries and focus on things in a new way. That is how I view it, others may have a more clear cut definition.

OK well being that we are in the same house but separate bedrooms means that it won't be a NO contact sitch. But, obviously the R talks are not helpful or productive at this time. The focuing on me is what I need to do. I am going to re-read the LRT section in DR and see if that is where I am at at this point.

While a book can guide us through this process that is very foreign, only you can really know if you are done or ready to implement a LRT.

Being in the same house is a positive thing. It will give you a fine opportunity to show your H through your actions that HE is not going to be the one calling all the shots. That YOU are out and about doing things for you, enjoying life and living like you are the happiest person on the planet.

Just because you are in the same house it doesn't mean you have to share anything about where you are going or what you are doing. At this point you are both functioning as roommates and other than any common courtesy you would show a roommate is how you should approach him.

No R talks, set boundaries, be prepared to enforce them and be as fabulous as you can be. Also, be prepared for your H to NOT like this at all as it was not the reaction he was expecting. He likes the control and you can let him know through your actions you are taking back the control to your life.

Thanks Citygirl. That is a very helpful description of the approach I need to take... and I think you are exactly right. Earlier in the week I was living the mantra "I am a FABULOUS and ATTRACTIVE woman!" I need to get back to that, believe it and live it. That is what I am going to do.

Interestingly, as I am starting to make this shift today H has been following me around the house today, engaging me in chit chat etc. I am just being cheerful, busy and treating him like a room mate.

I can do this!

So H "hung around" me all day. Would come and watch TV by me, helped re-arrange some furniture we had discussed doing a long time ago, time with kids etc. Even corrected my reference to the master bedroom as "my" room to "our" room. Then there was some discussion about going to a hockey game together. I started to get ready to go when H announced, "well you can go if you want, I'm just gonna pop by there and then I have other things to do."

zing.... the "to be expected" super duper pull back!

Par for the course.

Whatever!:-)

To which you reply, "It stopped being 'our' room when you chose to leave" and let it lie there.

Well, I actually moved him out of the room to set a boundary when he resumed contact with OW after telling me it was cut off. But I suppose I could say, "it stopped being 'our room' when you chose to resume contact". Although, that would immediately start a fight. I just didn't respond at all when he said that.

You can end that fight by pointing out that you will not stop him from making his own choices, but he has to live with the results.

If he resumes contact, then he's not sleeping in the same bed with you. That's a boundary.