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Jumpyninja - how are you getting on?

Couple of weeks ago, got annoyed at all the texting I was getting. Mother was there to talk to me. She prays for us all the time and thinks that she doesn't want to end the marriage. I can't bring myself to do it either. It's a combo of just not wanting to give up and also not wanting to be the bad guy that she can blame for her mistake.
Last weekend I went to my new place to sign the lease and get the keys. I got a little upset that morning because I was packing the house alone. Our plan before she messed up was to move to a bigger city, buy our dream house and start a family. Now, I'm packing up the house alone and I felt angry about it. The therapist said that at some point the angry would come out. I felt it coming and went out in the back yard with a 3 x 5 photo from my wedding. I doused it with gasoline and set it on fire. Then I just yelled to myself for a minute or two as the picture burned. That helped. After doing the lease, I came back home. On the way home, drove past OM's house. Just a spur of the moment thing. Quite embarassing in hindsight, not like anything good would have come from it. I texted one of my friends right afterwards and we talked and I felt a bit better.
I am not sure what is going on with her since I haven't seen or her from W in almost a week, and haven't spoken in person this whole month. On the one hand, she hasn't been around on weekends, so I have no idea if she's trying to be around close friends for support because she misses me. Or it could be that she's introducing the OM to her friends and family in preparation for him moving into her house as soon as I leave the neighborhood. I think the later is paranoid thinking, but rationality goes out the window in these situations sometimes.
As part of the moving on process, I have also explored other options. There's a couple of people that I'm interested in spending time with, even if it's just an innocent meal or phone convo. Admittedly, one of my co-workers and I have gotten really close and there is chemistry between us. She knows the whole story and has been very supportive of the false reconciliation a while ago. But she also has provided all the emotional support that W used to/should have been doing all along. I am not opposed to something happening prior to departure. It would merely be an extension of an emotional intimacy that we've felt towards each other. One nice thing about my situation is that all the people I work with are very sad to see me go, and this makes me feel good to know that there's plenty of people who still care about me. However, I won't say it feels good to know that shortly I'll have a going-away party that may have several dozen people, and the person I love the most in the whole wide world won't even be invited.
But still I press on...still strong, and most days are pretty good. So I cannot complain.

Your strength gives me courage. It really does. You love her enough to let her go, move on and work on yourself. I get the impression that whatever way this goes, you will be okay.

Hopefully I will get there soon too.

Today she came over briefly to do some clothes. She said a few words to me before leaving. I felt good cause I didn't even feel much emotion at all. But then later on as it sunk in, it started to rattle around in my head. Mainly the paranoid thoughts such as whether or not she still thinks or even worries about me. Haven't heard a peep from her in a week at least. She hasn't even asked where I plan to move to. We swiped a couple of messages about the pet, but that was about it.
I have not let her go. Not even close, and I don't fool myself into thinking so. I love my wife with all my heart, and I probably would take her with me, but she would have to ask. There has to be some effort with her. And what pisses me off is that if she gave some efford, I'd meet her more than halfway. I always wondered if it would be good to tell the spouse about what you want if they haven't provided it. I mean, how can you create this great love story if the other person doesn't know the script?
But i keep myself busy enough not to think about that, and in so doing, grow accustomed to being without her. It doesn't help to have other ladies around who are interested in spending time with me. It occupies time and help me feel better about myself.

This is like something I'd have written last week, in fact would probably have written today if I didn't go NC.

My guess is that she hasn't asked about any of that stuff is that she knows you are still available to her. She knows, deep down, if she said or did the right things that you would take her back. You can't ever tell her that as it will put you back far too many steps. I know you want to, and I did it too in some ways. All it does is reinforce in their head that you are still available.

If you have a box of donuts in the kitchen there is no hurry to eat them. That is until all your friends come in and scoff the lot. WAS's want what they can't have. She can have you so she doesn't want you. When she sees that you have moved on with your life then she will become threatened as her plan B is slipping away from her. You moving on and not wanting her anymore is not in her plan.

You've also got to remember that if she did say she was worried about you etc., that is her opening herself up to being vulnerable. She can't do that in case you reject her.




You can't tell her. She has to find this out for herself. All you can do is show her that she has two options - work at the M or move on. And then you leave her to it. She can ponder, worry and contemplate her options all she likes but you have given her the choices that you will accept. She can cling, beg and plead all she likes but saving an M is hard work and clinging, begging and pleading isn't part of the plan. Rational realisation, admission and remorse is what is needed initially. Until she shows that there is nothing for you to work at.

And then the other shoe dropped. That one issue with a co-worker spilled into something much deeper. I'd always had the impression that there was something there. I found myself in a situation to exploit it and chose to do so. I am fortunate in the sense that she did not want to have sex with a married man, but it was a very long and intimate evening. She knows everything and is fully supportive of my attempts to reconcile the marriage. For her, it's a matter of control, she cares for, and probably loves me, but also sees no future in us short of the next few days.
Right now I'm guilt free, and honesty feel better about the situation. I do not believe it's necessarily about retribution since I've been attracted to her for awhile. I think for me it was about exploring an opportunity before it was lost. I think that for me it was confirmation of the fact that while life was good with her, that I don't NEED her to survive.
Now that I'm several days away from moving, I may not even need NC anymore since I'll be creating a new life without her.
As for her, she is attempting to move and get a new job as well. However, she does have some concern about whether my attempts to end the A through exposure may have have given her a negative reputation in the georgraphical area she's applying. To me, it seems like more cover for her. As long as she's not ready to face the reality of what she did, there's no R in the works. And she's too scared, cowardly, arrogant, what-have-you, to face up to the facts of what she did and how it hurt me and the family. She needs to find the courage soon, cause my dear co-worker has already indicated that while she's pulling for the marriage to work out, she has eyes for me if it doesn't.

This sounds like you got a good ego boost from her. Are you sure it's not a little about revenge though? You do mention it but thinking about my own sitch and if that happened it would cross my mind.



No. SHE gave herself a negative reputation when she did what she did. All you did was make sure people know what she had done. You are not to blame for her poor choices.



That sounds very familiar.



Is that not a bit of what your W did though? You are keeping your W hanging on as you want to work on M but now you have, potentially, OW to fall back on?

I thought about the revenge factor. I am sure that on some level there is revenge, but a lot more of this is about how is simply enjoying being with her. Revenge would be me doing something to hurt W. In all honesty, it was more for our benefit, each of us having an intimate moment with someone we cared about. And that attraction pre-dated my marriage.
I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not to blame for her poor choices. One of my friends mentioned that I've done everything I could to end the A and make it as easy as possible for us to attempt to R.
As for me keeping my coworker as a backup, the problem is that she's not close to where I'd be living, and is very much tied up with her work and her child (and no, she's single), so I won't get a chance to see her. Perhaps emotionally she can fulfill some of my needs in the short term, but time and distance tend to undermine that.
As for me, the moving day comes up shortly. I am not inviting W to my going away party and I hope to move without her coming around. The NC will probably be modified at some point since she will be a distance away. I won't contact her much, but I may respond to texting or e-mails a little faster or have short text convos.

I can understand how frustrating that can be. I know you've mentioned it in earlier posts. If only she would just say that trigger / keyword and you'd spring into action. But you know she will never say it because she is too much of a coward to?



I was meaning more as an emotional backup rather than a physical one. She will fulfil your needs if W doesn't come back?



Why would you contact her at all though?

I've had a pretty decent weekend but found myself drawn towards contact. We had a conversation via email the other day. I think the logic in my head is that the NC is good until I can be stronger, which I am, but it would not be as necessary once I was far away. As soon as I move, it would be fine. In fact, it would be better because a short, brief conversation might remind her of what she was missing.
Problem is, you find yourself getting your hopes up again, or at least getting frustrated at the lack of any progress or effort. In my case, this led to me being angry, which was compounded by something minor she did that reminded me of one of her worst qualities. And no, it's not being a coward, although admittedly that's a second bad flaw, at least with regards to this. So basically I go back to the basics. Keeping contact limited indefinitely, and only responding to those messages which relate to business.
As for the friend, she's been an emotional backup for a while. Although I wouldn't call her that. She's been more like one of the important support structures right now, along with a couple of friends I have and my parents. She is a confidant and close friend who knows the entire story. She was the one who kept me from killing the two of them on D-Day. She is the one who continues to want to see us get back together. I truly believe she would tell W about us if it would help get us back together, even though she knows and likes W. That is what is ironic. She loves me enough to want to see me with the person I love the most. I cannot imagine what that must be like for her. But I do know that in the interim, talking on the phone is a pleasant experience for both of us.