Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help... I need to stop reacting!

OK Puppy so I've been thinking more about this... I know H will try to push my guilt buttons. He will try to make me feel sorry for him in some way and that I am somehow responsible (at least in part) for whatever it is he is feeling...

I have been thinking lots about what I have enabled over the years, and it is not a pretty sight. Somehow didn't see it at the time though.

So, the question now is how to prevent that?

Here is the new and improved "Operation Transformation":

1. Always have the game face on
2. Never let the guard down
3. Lots of positive self-talk... about how fabulous I am... blah, blah, blah
4. If "old" feelings of guilt, or "feeling sorry" for H start to pop up, end the conversation or leave the room. Move on.
5. Reminding myself H is a big boy, responsible for his own feelings and choices
6. Take care of myself and the kids
7. GAL!

Also - time to look at myself and why I have allowed this. Starting IC next week and plan to explore that.

Operation Transformation underway... will keep you updated!

All sounds very good Rocked. Only thing I'd add if H comes up with stuff that you feel you had a part in, for me was yesterday cooking him breakie and I suddenly realised how lonely H must have felt getting up early on his own at 5.30am while the rest of us stayed snuggled in bed. Then validate those feelings, because yes you maybe could have handled it better. Starting the IC will certainly help you get things in a better perspective!

If he brings this up in a SERIOUS way, I would say something like "I'm really sorry you feel that way. I would like to focus on our current issues, though, and work on our marriage, and we can't do that as long as one of us has unilaterally invited a third person into the marriage."

If he brings it up in a pouty, "woe-is-me" way, I would say something like "You know, that feeling-sorry-for-yourself, martyr routine REALLY makes you unattractive. Can we please focus on the issues at hand?"

Puppy

You know that is a good point Puppy. Cuz in the first months after the bomb when I did all the wrong things... pursuing, begging, etc. I also did a TON of apologizing about all the things he was bringing up that I had apparently done wrong all these years that I didn't know about. Not that I got any of that back....
If something genuine comes out in a MC session that I need to take responsibility for and own, I will. Otherwise, you are right. Current issues need to be the focus.

I do think, though, that the guilt buttons he will try to push are about current every day stuff. Like the other day he was moaning about how tired he was. In the past I would have given him sympathy, etc. This time I said "I'm sure you are with all the late nights you choose. I don't know how anyone could function like that." He didn't say much.... lol.

Don't know what time he came home last night and, surprisingly, actually don't care today. I fell into a deep sleep (for once) around 11:30 and didn't hear him come in. Again... was in his spot in the driveway, lights out, door locked. Noticed this a.m. he left his door open even wider....lol

Onwards and upwards today... time to be fabulous!

Try not to get into fight-picking/escalation. Keep things neutral, like "I agree -- this has been very hard on all of us." or "I agree, these are challenging times."

Ok good reminder. Yes... neutral is best at this point in the DBing process. This is not the time to challenge H's choices. Focus on me, GALing, etc.
Is this also a good time to point out a positive? Yesterday S18 had something happen that was a challenge for him and he wasn't able to reach me due to meetings at work. He reached his Dad and H was really there for him. I haven't affirmed that (cuz H wasn't home last night to do any affirming) but I debated sending an email with a message of affirmation about being there for our son yesterday. What do you think?

I think if it's sincere (and it sounds like it is), you should do that. It's "The Right Thing to Do."

yes, it is. he really was being a good dad yesterday (little glimpses of the my old H... but i'm not going to let myself go there emotionally). So, yeah I think it is "The Right Thing to Do". I just have to not let it upset the sense of empowerment I am feeling now if I don't get a response or a minimal one. I am doing this cuz it is the right thing to do, not cuz i may or may not get any kind of response.

BINGO.

I'm learning... :-)