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@Ready2Change: I am going to get the Radical Forgiveness Book - that is a HUGE issue with us - forgiveness. I have had a hard time forgiving him for not helping with the kids and for walking out. Thanks so much for continuing to comment.

@sdharrell74: I will use that time to work out.

Good day so far today. Saw an old neighbor at 7-11, who paid for me this morning and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, told me I looked amazing and said we should get together for a beer and catch up. He is divorced. Super nice guy. Made me smile this morning and feel good.

Use this for yourself. Make people smile wherever you go - grocery store, post office, church, on the street, at the gym, restaurants - anywhere you see someone. It helps your PMA, you have to smile to get one back.

@Coach: Thanks, I will. I am really an upbeat, always makes people laugh type person anyways - trying hard to keep that up!!! I can make a new friend in 5 seconds flat and talk to everyone. I just have to remember to keep that up and not let the hurt take over.

mrscanlon is one of the funniest, most upbeat, positive, friendly people I know. I am so glad that you were able to smile this morning. Keep up the great work and thank you for doing your part to help keep me in check.

Okay - I need some advice about this weekend.

One of my huge problems was begging and pleading for him to not end our marriage. Making it a POINT to not split our kids up. This one KILLS me. Those are MY kids. My heartbeat. They are my everything. The thought of every other weekend is like death to me. I am guilty of using the kids against him and that is one of his complaints. He has agreed to not splitting them up in the past and we have survived for 4 years with him coming over 2 days during the week and being "like family" and with him spending weekend time with us. They have only gone to stay with him a handful of times - and it was hard on me and I let him see that. Also - I have had a hard time accepting that this is seriously my life. Because of the details of our situation - we have almost remained a family. On my personal blog, under the "About" section - It has always still said "Married to T..." and he knows I have not accepted this situation.

I am certain I have made this worse by never making him feel any consequences for leaving us. I have still let him come and go and be a part of this family as he pleases - only restricting him from the kids, when I WAS HURT by him, as a punishment.

Steps I took today: Made all posts on my blog "Private" that involve my kids - so that he cannot spend his days reading about all their fun and milestones that he has not been involved in. Also took away anything still referring to him as my husband.

He called me today and asked about the weekend. I said that he was welcome to come to our son's soccer game and hang out Saturday (trying NOT to use the kids and make him feel that will never happen again), then said that I was planning on going out for my BF's birthday Saturday night - so if he could take the kids Saturday night, that would be great. He agreed.

Then he called back 30 minutes later and asked if I minded if he stay at my condo with the kids Saturday night, due to some things going on at his mom's house. He said he would sleep on the couch, and did not mind what time I got home. I hesitated, but told him that was fine.

Is that fine? I walk a fine line with the kids. I don't ever want him to feel I use them against him again - but should I be holding on to any "together family" time he offers, or should I force the every other weekend thing?

I am so confused when it comes to this. Any thoughts?

What's keeping both of you from going all in on a reconciliation? Your issues with the M and his.

What hole were you trying to fill by spending all that money?

Why does he live with his Mom?

@Coach: I have begged and pleaded for a reconciliation - he agreed to it at the end of Sept - then reneged. I am sure it was due to my lack of patience with his timeline.

I think with the money spending problem - it was originally something I did when my first child was born, I was no longer the most important thing to my husband, etc. Then with my second child, I had MAJOR PPD - and that was how I coped. Through all of it, my H was not around a lot - I was raising kids alone. I spent money, he worked side jobs on top of his regular job - keeping him away more, it became a vicious cycle. He ended up leaving - because of the money and his complete lack of trust for me with money issues. The separation devastated me - and I spent money to cope, instead of proving I could turn it around. We have gone through this cycle for several years now - until I FINALLY have turned it around about 10 months ago. Through it all - he never filed, he was always a friend - but would go no further. He thinks I am a good person, but has no trust for me. His reasons always come back to me hurting the family for so long.

He has lived with his mom for almost four years. He deposits most of his paychecks into our joint account so the kids and I can afford to live in a 3BR condo.

I was so excited about the chance to reconcile and feel I ruined it. He is still very cordial. He said he wants legal separation now, but still has done nothing. We could seriously go get a divorce in the state of Virginia tomorrow - as we have not lived together in four years - but he doesn't, and now says we should wait another year - because he did promise reconciliation... but he never did it, so it wouldn't matter. I feel he truly in his heart does not want to divorce - I have to make this work this time.

So there are no affairs going on? He kinda wants to work on this?


Trust- you will regain that by consistently and openly sharing with him how you are handling money now. I would show him your monthly cash flow and then ask him about what other goals should you be working on - retirement, college, emergency fund etc

What are his LLs? Love him by showing him, love with no expectations in return. Surprise him.

What was your courtship like? Is there anything there you can try to repeat?

No affairs. He has briefly dated OW during times of our separation (which mind you has been 4 years) - but nothing serious. And I am sure nothing right now.

As of June of this year we were slowly working towards reconciliation with Halloween being the date he promised to be home. Well he did not come home and the day after Halloween (after I again used the kids against him, restricting him from Halloween until he made a decision) he said his answer was divorce.

I have started showing my change with the money - I have 10 months under my belt of solid change there.

His LL's are Words of Affirmation, and I would have to say Physical Touch.

The Physical Touch I cannot do, as he will not allow right now, because he does not want to lead me on in any way. I am sure I can lay on the WOA - but I am guessing I need to do in a way that does not seem I am pursuing.

Things got so heated in the last month over whether he was going to keep his word and come home or not - he has stated that he needs more than anything some time to NOT have to think about us. He says he does not see how he can break the wall down he built up, he cannot see forgiveness. He cannot "just force something and feel something that is not there and he doesn't know if it ever will be."

We get along great when not arguing. We talk about work, laugh, enjoy each other's company - WHEN I AM NOT PRESSURING HIM.

Courtship - I was FUN. I was a HUGE runner, had a good job, in shape, independent. He loved all of that. We partied and always had fun, wakeboarding or snowboarding, etc.

I am about 40lbs overweight right now. I have been overweight since the kids. I don't run. I have spent four years more concerned with saving this marriage than anything else. I need to work on permanent positive change in ME. I know he needs to see that. With our unique situation, I need help with how to deal with kids and visitation - so I am not using them against him, but also not pursuing or making him think I am hanging on - even though I want to hang on and make this work. I truly do want change in me. This is all so hard.