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The way I've seen it positioned on here is this way:

If you want to do his laundry, because "that's just who I am -- it's The Right Thing to Do," then you should do it, without expectation.

If, however, you are doing it to "be nice," or to try to get a REACTION out of him, or if by doing it it makes you feel poorly, like a doormat or something, then you SHOULDN'T.

Does that make sense?

Puppy

((confused)) I read thru ur sitch and my heart goes out to you. You def need to set some boundaries. Take care of yourself and ur children. Battling an illness and a M sitch isnt easy and I can sympathize. As hard as it is, you need to stop worrying about him and concentrate on YOU and the kids!

You cant live in fear of what he is going to do. You just cant control him. Once you realize that it does get a little easier. He gave you an STD!!! Are you really going to let him continue to have his way on everything?

You need to be busy. and get busy. Live your own life and not be there at his every beck and call.

Dusk

Boy, I guess I needed to hear some of these things even though it is tearing my heart out! It is just that every time I think about my kids and our lives without my H I am so sad! There have been so many good things in our lives. It is just hard to understand what happened! I don't want my kids to be a product of D!!! My stepson is M and has 2 B's. I would miss being Grandma! (although, I am thinking my DIL would be very upset with my H) I have never been a very confident person! I have always been the "invisible" one when I went out with friends! The laundry thing was just an example. I have always done it but when I was mad at him, I would let his pile up! I think that is why it is hard for me do figure out the 180....

Then I would do it, but look for other way(s) to pull back.

Another poster on here (Sue or Kat maybe?) once suggested "take one thing every day that you used to do for HIM, and replace it with something you do for YOU."

I think that's good advice.

Puppy

I guess I was just trying to show him, because I think I didn't do that very well, that I love him and how nice things could be at our home. I had really slacked off on things as I really feel that I am just now getting my energy level back to where it was pre-cancer! The first time he left, he was angry and distant but this time he is acting differently. I am confused because he does tell me he loves me (ok, after I said it). He will still once in awhile mention a future plan. Is it possible to love really 2 people at the same time? She is early 4o's(he says), no children, not M, has had stomach stapling surgery (so he assures me she is not any prettier than I and she's not, I saw the pic). I know that she is an outlet as there are no fighting kids, no money issues or problems at home. I have been trying hard to lose weight (about 20bls now) and walking and getting into shape for me. I do feel better about myself but it does hurt that everyone around me is noticing except him. Do I do what the DB book says and hang in there a little longer but back off on doing all the nice things I've been doing or is it time to introduce the last resort technique?

Confused, do you feel so unworthy that you are willing to accept this man regardless of what he does? It is so obvious that you have very low self-esteem. However, the good news is that low self-esteem can be fixed. Don't you think it's time to put the focus on yourself and to learn to feel good about you? Don't you believe that you should be treated better than what you are receiving? I've heard several reasons you are finding to stay with him, but I've not heard anything about how you should be happy with a man who is unselfish enough to put you first in his life.

Sweetheart you are talking as if you are trying to convince yourself that a man can love two women at the same time.....and that it's okay....b/c if that were the case, then your H just can't help himself....right? I am very concerned for you. You must be a fighter to go through what you have but for some reason you are not looking at this situation from a fighter's POV. And by that, I don't mean to fight to get your H, but I mean to fight for yourself!

Your H does not respect you. He cheated before and he came out with nothing more than some promise that he knew he'd never keep. I would be very surprised if he hasn't had more A's but you just didn't catch him in those. I don't say that to add more hurt to you, but to get you to see that you may be dealing with a serial cheater.

I hope you will start thinking about what you deserve.....not what you would be losing. Think about how you need to respect yourself before he will respect you. Prove that you are that "fighter" by showing some spunk instead of fear. Think of how you could set up boundaries so he would not enjoy all the privledges of a M and have a lover on the side also.

Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle for less than you deserve. You are valuable.....start treating yourself with respect. Stand up for yourself and expect others to show respect for you...especially from your H.

That is why I am here..to have some sense knocked into me! Can't see thru the tears so will think more on this and come back later...thanks!

How are you doing today, sweetie?

Hi sandi2. Doing ok...managed to keep conversation short and sweet last night when H got up to go to work. He sat down on the couch, which he has not been doing and I got up after a minute or 2 of conversation and got ready for bed, told him goodnight and went up...no kiss...will do the same tonight. Discoved he is hiding wallet and truck keys now from me so know he is still seeing OW, although I knew that deep down as he has never said he was going to quit seeing her. Plan to hold out until the weekend (our schedules just don't work for talking during the week) and see what happens. Yes, I know that I deserve to be treated better and have just been afraid. I have never been good with change! I am now not thinking about all the things I will miss but of the things that I won't miss and all the things he has done over the years that I have had to put up with. Told myself I had to try for the sake of the kids but H seems to be taking a "vacation" from being an active parent right now anyway...not sure kids would miss him that much at this point! Thankyou so much for your words and hope to hear more from you as I progress!

You will find that as long as you take on more & more of the parental responsibility of the kids, your H will do less. He will be happy to put every bit of it on your shoulders while he is free to play around with OW.

You do have to think of your children, but also think of the role model you are setting for them. What are you teaching them by watching how you respond to this stitch? Are they being taught that it is okay for a M man & a father to commit adultry and his W will continue to put up with it? What does it teach our daughters about what kind of man they should M and what does it teach our sons about how to treat their future W? Be careful that you do not fall into a trap of using your children....and doing what's best for them....as your "excuse" to stay in a M where you are disrespected....b/c that could not be what is best for them.

Think of the very worst thing that could come from all of this. Then think of how you would deal with it. What would you do to move forward? When you know what you would do under those circumstances then you will be able to have a plan for the stitch you are in at this time.