Just wanted to give you a big ((()) Rocked, detaching is a process so dont expect over night results from yourself! Strength gradually builds itself up and before long you will see more baby steps from yourself! Have courage my friend and make courage your new best friend, it is so very hard Im struggling at the moment too and this forum does help having folks in the same boat, who understand and want to help! Keep going hun you will get through this!
Rabbit
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
(((Rabbit)))) thank you so much! I know it is a process... just when I think I've made some progress, I feel like it goes backwards. It is almost like H has some kind of radar that tells him "oh no, she is getting too confident, she is doing too well... you better really *%#^ something up now so you can maintain the upper hand!" aargh!
But, today is a new day. Have been focusing on some positive thoughts and trying to start the day with some prayer. Deep breaths, positive self talk. Also - managed to find myself an IC too... have played phone tag a few times but she said she would try to call me today. I think that will help me tremendously and she comes highly recommended.
When I hear Puppy and others on this forum talk about appoaching this like a game...that is so foreign to me. I guess you have to be pretty detached to do that. That would truly be a 180 for me! I work in a human service field and have always helped at church etc. I guess I have always approached my marriage in much the same way: give, give, give.
I am finding it so hard to develop a new mindset. I'm not sure how to get there.
Anyway... here I go into a new day... lack of sleep and all.... I can do this! :-)
RDW. You and I were both the givers in our relationships. I cut this off from my WAS and left it for the OM to provide. This is one of the side benifits from detaching. Protection. You remove yourself from the game being played by your WAS. Now they have to get all those EN's that you provided from the OP.
This is a powerful weapon for you to use. As now the OP must provide all the EN's. They are either up to this task or they fail at it. You are no longer playing the WAS game. They still think you are a pawn in their plans. But you have moved on to playing monopoly. ( sorry for the worst pun ever ) Believe me this is one of the most powerful weapons you can use. WAS is in full taker mode. This salvo will be noticed. It will make them angry. But who cares. That is their issue. You go dark on him now. Cracks will appear. You begin to protect yourself from all this.
It will be hard. Very hard. But it is an option.
At least I would cut of the EN's
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
just when I think I've made some progress, I feel like it goes backwards. It is almost like H has some kind of radar that tells him "oh no, she is getting too confident, she is doing too well... you better really *%#^ something up now so you can maintain the upper hand!" aargh!
It is not radar. It is the way of creating a scenerio in his mind to justify his affair. RockedWorld is a Biatch, she argues, shes defensive, shes always upset : I am going to see the OW. This dinner socks, why did you make this you know I hate it, why are you fighting with me : I am going to see the OW. You didnt fold the towels right, I am going out for a bit to cool off : I am going to see the OW.
Put it in your head right now that this is most likely NOT an inapprorpriate friendship (read EA) but rather something seriously physical (read sexual). Reasons have been thrown at you over and over in this thread. My take, your husband found himself a weak, young, niave, immature, druggie or boozer of a girl and he is a stong mature father figure who is equally horney for something forbidden. The attraction is addictive.
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
When I hear Puppy and others on this forum talk about appoaching this like a game...that is so foreign to me. I guess you have to be pretty detached to do that. That would truly be a 180 for me! I work in a human service field and have always helped at church etc. I guess I have always approached my marriage in much the same way: give, give, give.
If you look at this as it is merely a game called love. then maybe it wont be so foreign to you. and I dont think you need to be detached to play. In fact your phrase, "give, give, give" sums it up; Give something to yourself : a little self respect, a bit of confidence, some decisiveness.
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
I am finding it so hard to develop a new mindset. I'm not sure how to get there.
Ok, I hope you see where I am going here. You do need to devlop a new mindset and a strategy to deal with this effectively! You say you had a "bomb" dropped on you 6 months ago. So that most likely means this was going on long before that, and to put it bluntly, it was 6 months ago he realized the sex was that good, i need to let her know and phase her out. Or he decided to play a game with both of you.
Now, I am a firm believer that when you find out about an affair to file for divorce immediately. It kinda underminds the mission of this site, but I believe it keeps the betrayed from hanging on to a hope they make up in their mind and puts all the requirement to change immediately on the betrayer. Quit it and fix yourself or I am gone.
But, you have knowingly allowed this to continue and your husband has taken advantage of it. Giving you hope at times and meanness at others. You wrote recently, "My H has not yet decided he can commit to the M, so I have no leverage to ask those kinds of things... yet. I am still holding out hope that he will wake up at some point too." You know you can hold out for 2 years and in the end only feel like carp about yourself or maybe hold out for 6 months then find a love letter describing all the dirty things they have done to eachother. OUCHY. There is a reason why they tie your hands behind your back when they hang you, its so you dont hold on to the rope. DB cliche, drop the rope.
If your husband refuses to commit to you why do you have to be committed to him. What would be the one thing that would scare the carp of out him right now? answer: rockedworld has a boyfriend too. Oh man. my fantasy just ended, my wife is leaving me. I played with her head too long now someone is playing with her.... you dont necessarily need to be fondled, but with his cheaters mentality that will be exactly what goes through his mind. You will have all the leverage you need when he realizes you dont need him.
But most of all give yourself something; the knowing that not all men treat their woman the way yours is treating you.
Rocked once you get used to the dance, two steps forward, three steps back, you start to embrass it a bit, thats when you start to play the game, because you know that every time you dance forwards you will dance backwards, but every good dance has both in it, and of course sideways for a bit of added interest lol!
No we havent all mastered detached, more realised the game and maybe moved a few moves along the board to give us more confidence in out abilities to play, BUT we all make mistakes and end up with the "go to jail" card and are back here asking for guidance or moral support, which thank fully is freely given and in abundance on here.
Spin a mindset on your marriage, you wouldnt just give your kids anything or everything because you could because it wouldnt be good for them, likewise with your marriage, being a bit selfish for you isnt bad for your marriage if done with the right heart and mind! Sorry I sound if I have swallowed the sermon whole today lol!
Great news about the IC Im sure having someone to confide in person will help a great deal, so far I havent but maybe thats because Im too typically british stiff upper lip lol! and maybe because I get enough feedback and advice on here and with my friends.
Anyway I hope the day gets better for you. x
Cutterbug if youre reading too I hope you get a good nights sleep, mines been a bit up and down the last few days and its not good especially as Im a eight hours a day girl!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
*deep breath* First - Puppy - last night was the first time I shut off the outside light. He came home to a dark house. He actually came home just as I submitted that post so I just pretended to be asleep. No we don't have an alarm system.
Steve - thanks for stopping by my thread. I've read some of your advice to others and I can see you have a lot of wisdom to offer. What you are saying is so hard. I get it with my mind, but my heart is still having a hard time catching up. I've got some other stressors going on in my life at the same time as this and sometimes I am just hanging on. I'm not making excuses, I just don't feel strong enough for this some days.
But what is my alternative? To keep taking this? It just might destroy me...
I guess I get really confused with the DB approach I read about with being the WAS's "friend" - being kind, upbeat, etc. and then taking this more hard line approach. When is that called for, in what circumstances etc.? I get really confused by the various approaches.
I'm not morally comfortable with dating when I am married. I understand making it look like I am and being more mysterious etc. The hard thing is that when the bomb was first droppped my H was actually trying to convince me that I should find another man and was even making suggestions about past boyfriends and encouraging me to get in touch with them. WTF? So, I don't think that will get his attention, just justify his behavior even more - maybe make him feel relieved. I don't know. I just feel pretty hopeless right now, and pretty defeated. Makes it hard to be upbeat and cheerful when I see or communicate with him.
I hear you. I know I need the 2x4's. The question is whether I am strong enough to do anything with them. I always thought I was a stronger person than this. I can't believe what this is turning me into and I just can't seem to find the courage here. But don't give up on me! lol Rabbit and Cutter - thanks for the encouragement and hope you are both hangin' in there too!
Hi RDW, I am sorry for your sitch & that you find yourself here.
I went on ADs, a very low dose in Sept. They take about a month to take effect. They have helped me deal w the rollercoaster emotions, & help put you in a better frame of mind to deal w this unbearable situation. I am person who doesn't like to even take a tylenol but finally after 2 mos. I filled the prescription. It is not a cure all by any means but just in terms of helping you cope through this trauma, it might be something to look into. Lack of sleep can be really detrimental, so please try to take care of yourself physically. I know this is so very hard, please stay strong. (((hugs)))
Thanx LFA. I actually did take AD's for almost a month and they made the insomnia worse, which I guess can be a side effect. The Dr. lowered the dose and it still didn't help, so I went off. Now trying St. John's wort. But sleep problems are still there anyway.
Am feeling a bit more positive than earlier in the day, but came home after work to two sick teenagers, both with fevers. So no GALing tonight... which I had been thinking of. I will be taking care of the kids, which is good. I am focusing on being the best mom I can be these days, and that has been good for them and me. I'll just do a little self care for myself too tonight. H can do whatever the #$&* he wants tonight... the kids and I will be fine.
