Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W wants to separate

Nagl,That's great! Good for you. Good luck tonight.
Keep going.

Updating.

I guess MC went as well as can be expected. First time either of us have ever been in counseling. Alot of talk around where I behavior comes from (upbringing). How we need to address to I'm more opened up. Talked about the resentment. I broke down when the affair came up. I couldn't stop myself. W reached out and grabbed my hand and held it for awhile until towards the end of the session I let go and put my arm around her and she scooted over towards me and leaned up against me on the couch until the end. It was tough, but we both said we wanted to work through this when asked.

The irony is right now she has more walls than me and I'm the one more opened up. We talked about that a little too.

Anyway, lot of issues to get through. We drove there separately so she had to run and get D2 and I went and met her at home. When she got back we put D2 down for bed and then we just gave eachother a big hug and laid down and watched a little of the world series before going to bed. We were both pretty drained. We agreed that we both like our MC and we are going back next week.

We both have crazy long working days today so haven't talked to her besides a couple txts. I did go in and kiss her goodbye before I left since she was still in bed.

Interested to know where the next session will lead now that we've laid the foundation for the MC. I see hope but still a tough path ahead.

Hi NAGL

Glad to hear that your session went well. I wouldn't worry about the breaking down part, it is a natural part of the healing process and the emotions have to come out for that to happen. I think the most positive thing is that BOTH of you came away from it with a good feeling about your MC. I see so often on this forum where one spouse comes away feeling ganged up on and doesn't want to go back.

I wish you the best in getting your R back on track

Thanks HBH. I wish you well and have been reading along your thread as well. At one point I did feel little ganged up on, but realized it was just the feeling of the truth hurting.

Just making a couple updates for today.

I forgot to add before that my W told me that she called her mom and told her that she cheated on me. Originally, I think she didn't want anyone knowing out of embarassment but felt like she had to come clean. I inquired as to the reaction a little and I was proud of her for telling her mom. Her mom was really dissapointed in her apparantly...I've yet to speak to her about it. Moving on...

I brought home dinner for W and the babysitter (a friend of ours, one of her close friends). We both had a brutally long day at work and got home around 8:30. We ate and all 3 of us sort of had some deep talks about our lives and our friends issues too with her BF. Our friend said at one point "who is this guy? you seem different...". Made me feel pretty good. My W was saying how she told her how I have been really different. It was positive. After friend left we got into an unproductive argument that was mostly instigated by me and the perpetuated by her getting defensive. I won't get into details but I was making her feel guilty about cheating. We were both tired and it was stupid and escalated because neither of us backed down. Finally, I just said stop, I don't want to fight with you, I didn't mean for my words to be received the way you've processed them, we are both tired, I'm sorry for instigating this and I just want to go to bed in a more positive place than being in this unproductive argument. She said sorry too and we just let it go.

Woke up. Had a good workout and was feeling good. On the way back I picked her up a drink she likes from the gas station and some lame roses they sell there for fun. They were still sleeping when I got back (rare for D nowadays). I got ready and then when they were up I gave her the flowers and her drink and it just immediately lit her up and then she quickly made fun of me for giving her gas station flowers, but I know she liked it.
She asked me where I wanted to go out tonight since she booked the babysitter and cancelled her plans. I said I wasn't sure yet. We got close for awhile and were kissing and hugging for a few minutes. She asked if I could "work from home". Unfortunately, not today. She said "hopeful and optimistic" were her emotions to share with me this AM as per MC orders. I said happy, she said, "what? horny?". I laughed but it is true and she probably just knows how I am...anyway, I left after that.

She called me just a little bit ago to tell me our maintenance guy cancelled today...whatever I don't care. I just like to talk to her. She told me some stuff D was doing. I asked about her workout and she talked about it for a couple minutes and about someone else in the gym. Then she asked if I got her note and I was like what are you talking about. She told me to check my ba and it was a picture D made and she wrote on it to "Have a good day. We love you! xoxox". She used to do things like that all the time for me. She always wanted me to be more thoughtful and I see her trying to reciprocate now she notices I'm trying to change. Anyway, I told her that I probably could have gotten away working from home and she was saying "I told you...can you leave early and come walk with us around town". I want to. Not sure I can...feels good just to be asked though.


....anyway, enough of the play by play. Sorry for the long rambling posts...I type too fast. I'm just starting to notice things I never noticed before and think about things that I never cared about...been feeling better lately. Hoping for a good night out with W tonight. We haven't gone out alone since a little before the bomb and I have to say, I'm sort of nervous like I'm going out on a first date or something...probably sounds lame. I can tell she's been thinking about too because ever since she cancelled her plans a couple days ago she has brought it up a few times...

anyway, happy friday to whoever happens to read this

notagoodlistener,

Nice to read about some happy moments. Makes me have some hope.

Updating.

Friday night was great. Went out into city and had a nice dinner and drunks with W. Instead of going out after we both wanted to come home after a long week. We relieved the sitter and just watched a movie in bed. W was out cold. Within 20 minutes. She doesn't sleep when she us stressed so hasn't slept well in over a month. Past few nights she's been getting about 9 hours in which is crazy. I live off a brutal 5:30 a night. Anyway, great convo at dinner. She brought up R talks all in a positive forward looking light.

Saturday she works. I had D2 for the day and took her to the park and played with her all day. W came home and we decided to cook dinner together (I don't cook, so this is one of my efforts). Had a nice dinner. I ended up giving her a nice massage after. I downloaded some massage music and had the oil going I had bought a day earlier when she mentioned how sore and tight she was. Anyway, that led to the best intimacy we've had in a long time and the first since the bomb. She had said the precious night how she was nervous about it because we hadn't been in synch at all. Well not anymore. I felt like she was my new girlfriend the past few days and we've been cuddling and kissing every chance we get. Anyway. Tmi.

Sunday she ran a road race so I drove up separate with d2 to cheer her on. She did great and took 2nd in her age group (must have been the massage). We went to brunch after and did some shopping. Had a good day overall. Went to bed early after watching a show together.

Mondays are brutal for me but she is off. She handled rescheduling our 2nd mc session til next week because counselor had an emergency fir this week. I cane home around 8. Long day. She had made a great dinner for me that I thanked her profusely for to make sure she knew how much I appreciated it. We watched a show and crashed. We both have long days at work today. I'm going to try and escape a little early and pick up something for us to eat since she'll be picking up d2 from the sitter after she gets out.

Anyway, enough typing on my phone. Sorry for typos.

I think I'm officially piecing now and need to maintain positive change and acts if caring and thoughtfulness because they really mean alot to her and make me feel good about me as well. Good few days...

I have not read your entire stitch, but I read the update. I am so glad you are working it out. It sounds like you both had a great weekend.

Pretty good week. Tuesday was a big workday for both of us and we were out of commission until about 8PM. She picked up D2 and I picked up dinner and we met at home. Relaxed a little and watched a show and went to bed tired. Exchanged a good amount of txts and calls throughout the day.

Wed, I worked from home so I could hang out with them in the morning. We went to lunch and picked up her brother at the train station. They stayed the past couple nights.
Ended up ML again Wed night which is always nice.

Thurs, work from home again because new TV came. She worked and came home tired. We were hanging out with BIL and his GF. I went to bed early after getting annoyed when she asked me about going out the night before Thanksgiving. She's got a couple of harmless guy friends from HS, but for some reason the thought of them triggers the thought of the OM because he went to HS with them. Even though she was asking in way to suggest that I go with her, I don't know...I couldn't control it. I should work on that thought stopping thing. I just got mad. Sort of shut down. She noticed it and said something in the hall to me briefly but since we had company we didn't talk about it.

Her sister is flying in today from the westcoast and staying the weekend too. Hopefully we have a good time. W works tomorrow and her parents are coming over to help with some house work we need done. So it will be me and her parents and sister hanging out all day. I really love them though.

I only texted her today and didn't call after leaving really early when she was still sleeping for work. Sort of went to bed on a bad note, but it's to be expected. Overall, most of this week has been good with moments of greatness and just a couple of moments where the frustration came back. She even bought this book for me one night of these marriage stories about being married for life and wrote in it saying how wonderful she thinks are marriage can be and that one day we will have our own life story...I have to say that it made my day.

anyway, just keeping the updates going so I can refer back from time to time.

This is part of the WAW mode and it takes a lot to get those walls down. They did not go up in just a few months. Remember not to push or expect too much too quickly.

The fact that she told her mother on her own accord is huge!! I was rather forced to tell my mother about my EA and I am still struggling with the disappointment it caused her. I have seen her age these last two years more than the rest of her lifetime put together. That is a hurt that I can't seem to get rid of even when I pray about it. I caused her pain & great disappointment in me........and I was her "good" girl so it was as if she had nothing else to be proud of after I messed up. So, as I said.....for your W to tell her mother, and probably knowing how she would react to the news....is a very big step.

Take care.

Sandi