Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Question

I have a question to ask about my sitch but it's too -- how to say it, personal or embarassing -- but since there's now personal messaging I don't really know how to ask it.

Any ideas?

All I can say is blurt it out!

No one here knows you. It's safer here than if there was PM, of anything like that.

Amen to that. NOTHING surprises any of us...trust me.

The clarity you're finding in this is amazing! It sounds like you are right on track and have your strategies and goals lined up. Keep it up girl!

Thanks for helping me to get back on track too. I feel like I'm still the student, but I hopefully, I can still offer some encouragement! Hope you're having a good day! =)

Lucky-

I am definitely a novice still myself. I also read DR in September, but I think what is good with me is I never let H and myself get into a routine like him being gone is "normal". Even before DR, I have always set the boundary that separation will never be the norm and I will not stand for it for long so I think that is what has kept me motivated and ok with things like LRT because I don't want things to stay this way longer than the first of the year.

I dropped H's letter off about the bills, but first I made a copy so H can't say I didn't tell him. We will see where that goes. He has a therapy appointment tonight, but I don't think the therapist is about saving marriages so it scares me. It seems more like he is about people being happy, but that is the impression I get from H and could be wrong.

S is feeling warm again and getting fussy...uh oh

Watch deadlines like "the first of the year." I keep doing that to myself and as each one comes and goes I fall apart a little bit more.

You were 10 I believe when H. Ross Perot ran for president the first time. He chose this retired Admiral Stockdale for VP. Stockdale's claim to fame was he spent something like eight years in a POW camp. They asked him about the prisoners who didn't make it. He said:

"That's easy, the optimists. They'd keep saying things like, I'll be out of here by Christmas. Then Christmas would pass and they'd say I'll be out of here by summer, and on and on and after each deadline, they'd die a little bit more."

I know what he says is true and yet I keep doing it to myself.

Oh, that's good. Everyone around me keeps trying to push me to set deadlines ("well if he doesn't come back by Christmas, you should just move on"). I need to keep this in mind.

Awest - good thinking about making copies. You hope for the best, but it's good to protect yourself too.

How's S doing? Hopefully he'll feel better in the morning.

I am still hoping, but the reason for the deadlines is finances. If H does not follow through this time, I cannot afford everything on my own. I will have to do something. I have talked to H before about this and even made a spread sheet showing how much in debt I would be without his support (I am only asking $475 a month which is what the child support calculator figured for IN). He always says he will pay it, but does not. He does not have to pay rent. Really all he has to pay for is the utilities where he is living around $300 a month, an internet bill of $20, and his college loan which is $200. I end up paying everything else and I cannot do that again because I do not have the money so if he will not pay I will have to take legal action and my L said she does not recommend legal separation because in IN it is just like a divorce, costs just as much, and if decide to divorce have to pay it again.

I am not leaning toward divorce like I was at the beginning of Oct, actually the thought saddens me because I do have a renewed hope and strength about my goals, but you can't live without money. If H does not come through by Thanksgiving, I might ask for another sit down and see if he will start paying.

I did not hear from him last night and don't plan on hearing from him at all this weekend because he will go to the ND home game with OW.

In that case, I agree. He's been freeloading far too long.

That’s how it is here in CA too. I had talked to a L last spring b/c I thought a legal separation would be the answer for me (since I’m so against D), but she said too that it’s the same process as a D, so the same cost, the same custody and money battles, so it didn’t seem worth it. So instead I‘m going to fight until I can fight no more, (which will probably come down to a money issue for me too). H has never offered to help money wise with our S and he even threatened that if I asked for child support in D, he would then ask for spousal support (I make just slightly more then him). L said that was ridiculous, that there was no way he would ever get spousal support and that of course he would be required to pay some child support. I’m glad L straighten that out b/c he’s sure a good manipulator!

So you say H is going out with OW to the game this weekend. How do you know this? Does he just straight up tell you – “I’m going out with OW this weekend”?