Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The Quick Solution & being "Unique"

Affairs: my 2 euro cents and based on my personal experience and on what I have read, which btw, I must add, that when I first read the relevant material, I RESISTED to recognise myself as on of the many standard script cases. I was UNIQUE damn it!!!

When there is an affair, you must set boundaries and be firm about it, but I think the timing is crucial. I didnt set boundaries because I had not a confession of an affair, just my gut feelings, some evidence and just like most people, I thought my darling Husband wasnt able to lie to me looking in my eyes. (I wasnt the only one Unique, I had also married a Unique man!!! LOL)

I found out recently and I I have thought what I would have done differently if I knew all along. Basically nothing different the first YEAR. You see, when they are so hot about their A partner (if i'ts not a one night stand), their emotional connection to them is much stronger than the one with the LBS. It's all those chemicals Puppy talks about, it's the excitement and the new life that we, the old worn out pair of shoes cant compare with. Add the anger and hurtful scenes played before and after the bomb, add their need to get away from what makes them feel guilty and ashamed deep down, the person that isproof of their wrong choice, their failure, theirm mistake, and your boundaries will push them further away.

In my case, we went through the stages Michelle decsribes, the anger had to disolve, some connection had to be establshed,I had to find my old good me, his affair had to play out.

Once they are gone, they are gone. The agreement has been violated, the big step is already taken, our influence on them, on their emotion or logic is gone. They need to stabilise, we need to stabilise. Then the fog is lifted. What becomes visible then, is what will make the difference.

If I had tried to set boundaries earlier, we would be divorced by now. Mind you, I never was a doormat, or at least that's what I think, never had sex with him, never accommodated his affair (that I didnt know about), never had money problems or parenting issues. He was pretty good with all that. So, I had set boundaries, but NOT related to her, related to how he treated me.

If I had pushed early on, based on entitlement (as Rob says) because of our vows, we would have been divorced. Our vows (in the broad sense) meant nothing to him. He HAD SEPARATED himself from me to prove me that.

I can understand how IGNORING the A while you know about it, is extremely difficult. Heck, I cant stop thinking about it now that is over... Maybe that helped me. That I didnt know and I only had a vague idea I was being compared with her but he never flashed her in my face or to any of our friends or family.

I may still end up divorced. But guess what? I feel I should set boundaries now that he wants to reconcile. It's not an easy thing to do, makes me feel I will break this fragile thing between us. But I know when I will, I will feel enpowered.
K

Something I like to remind myself often: do I choose Right over Happy? Do I like me being a martyr and what do I gain out of that?

Thanks Robx. You just helped me get through one more week.

Thanks for that post. I needed it.

Rob : They notice that you have changed, you're no longer disagreeing with them on the divorce, in fact you're going in the opposite direction, you're agreeing because it frees you from limbo and you really are agreeing, they knew your intentions all along and since they didn't want be a part of that reality of reconciliation, you're now a part of their reality, pursuing a divorce, they have no one to fight against, you agree with their feelings because you share those same feelings, there is no more animosity, they can't fight someone that agrees with them, you're no longer their pet, you aren't pursuing them, you've become an individual again, you're charting your own course, you're going your own way and you are creating space between the two of you...

That's exactly how things happened with me. The only convos we had the last year, before he asked to reconcile the first time (another story) were about me demanding a divorce in a calm, matter of fact way, wishing him well with the woman he loved (I didnt know I was so spot on, just bluffed), telling him not to worry about me or the kids, we would be fine and we could be "friends".
K

I would have said that DBing is about getting us to a point well pasrt where the bomb was dropped.... do we want to go back to where we were? We know our spouse isn't the same, do we want to be the same? Do we want the relationship to be the same? I don't think so!

I see this in any suggestion by a WAS that "I'll wait until X (30 days, after Xmas, etc) and make a decision then. Let's see how things go" - it puts the LBS into a "try out" mode.



BINGO!!!

I guess you both have to acknowledge what happened if you're going to move forward on the path of reconciliation.

When I say bring you back to the point before the bomb was dropped, I meant bringing you back to a point just before that fatal event occurred where one spouse told the other that they want a divorce.

Technically you're right, it's not accurate to say back to that point, you want to get to a point where the idea of divorce is no longer considered the only option. When the WAS wants to work on reconciliation, that is when you are at the DB touchdown line, successful reconciliation, successful marriage counselling and real cooperation by the spouses involved to create a new relationship that is better than the old is what scores the actual touchdown.

Divorce busting is getting you to the point where the WAS reconsiders the marriage and wants to work on repairing & improving it with you as a partner: you are both deciding at that point to work on it, it isn't just one person dictating to the other what must be done, it's a joint decision.

I loved it when SmileysPerson said something similar the other day, and I love this part now.

Divorce Busting is about changing course away from a near-certain outcome. It's relationship triage -- how bad are things, and what needs to be done to stop the bleeding until you can wheel it into surgery?

(Of course, that makes it sound like what most people do in this situation -- beg the other person to stay, cry, etc. -- but that would be like giving someone two Tylenol and telling them to hold on while their leg is bleeding out.)

yeah I just don't have the military background to add the color & imagery that SP can add to just about everything he writes ;-)

- that's why I'm waiting for him to write a book about all of his experiences with divorce busting and his own take on what was successful, what wasn't, etc.

I have to believe it would be a huge success.

Well you see at that point, one person has dictated how the marriage will go (ie. we're getting a divorce) and the other person is trying to dictate unsuccessfully that they want something different from their spouse.

It's about getting both spouses back to a point where they can agree to move in the direction of reconciliation and charting a course for a new relationship (it has to be NEW, this is so important) and working actively towards that goal and being accountable for their actions and how they contribute to that positive outcome.