DBing for yourself will eventually lead you out of limboland. Either with or without W.
When you are confident enough within yourself, you can say something like this (of course modified to fit your situation), that I "borrowed" from "Passionate Marriage":
"I've been doing some thinking, and I have decided that (four very powerful words, those -- remember them, as we'll use them later, too) I need some space. I'm questioning whether or not I want to remain married to someone who would treat me so poorly, and who would disrespect me so much that you would suggest I 'try out' for the position of being your wife for 3 months. You need to find yourself a place to stay, by the end of the week, because I have some thinking to do."
Here's a novel idea.... the WAS that left you because they didn't want to be with you is suddenly spending more time with you, suddenly communicating with you more often, doing things with you, smiling with you, is comfortable with you. Keep doing what you're doing! Don't bring up relationship talk, talks of reconciling, enjoy the moment! Stop worrying about the future, you don't know what tomorrow will bring so stop worry about tomorrow, enjoy today if today is the day your WAS wants to talk with you and share a drink or a meal with you or wants to do something with you & the kids. Be humble and appreciate the time you have with them, don't hasten the process and demand that things have to change and that you need to reconcile at this moment. Consider this a form of dating even if it isn't officially labeled as such. Stop forcing your spouses to have to be with you. If you have to force someone to love you and be with you, do you really want to be with those people? If those same WAS's make moves towards you, to communicate, to spend time with you & your children, to come over, to share a meal, etc. Enjoy that time you have with them, celebrate a success internally with yourself that you were able to accomplish something of such a grand nature when this WAS originally left you and never wanted to interact with you anymore. Stop asking for more, start appreciating what you have and stop believing that you deserve more than what you have - truth be told no one deserves anything, you get what you get in life because you placed yourself on that path to get the results you received. Stop believing you are entitled to something, entitlement breeds resentment and that will lead you down a path of anger & disappointment and poor results.
robx-
I hope MWD is mining these boards for material for her next book, because there is some really good stuff here, and your post is golden. Her first book DB was good, and DR was better. As this stuff is hashed over and over on the boards, and as some of the members here become experienced "gurus", I think the concept of DBing continues to be refined.
In my opinion, the DB and DR books should be expanded to include more material on how to DB, and stay sane, when an affair is involved, and that's why I snipped out your particular paragraph to discuss. Given how prevelant affairs are in situations here, I think your paragraph is ignoring a very important issue.
I don't know if you've followed my sitch or not, but that paragraph describes mine in spades. My W is doing everything as you describe, and my instinct is to just enjoy it, let time go by, and see what happens. I have no desire to rush to reconciliation or force my W's hand. However, my W is involved in a long distance affair, so I don't feel I should just give her a free pass, and let her cake eat. I asked her if she'd like us to spend time together and go out and have fun, and she quickly said yes, but I had to "spoil" the good vibes and tell her I can't do it if she's still involved with someone else. That turned our fun light moment very heavy. I was insisting that "things have to change", something you say not to do.
Do you think your advice still applies even if an affair is ongoing?
DBing for yourself will eventually lead you out of limboland. Either with or without W.
When you are confident enough within yourself, you can say something like this (of course modified to fit your situation), that I "borrowed" from "Passionate Marriage":
"I've been doing some thinking, and I have decided that (four very powerful words, those -- remember them, as we'll use them later, too) I need some space. I'm questioning whether or not I want to remain married to someone who would treat me so poorly, and who would disrespect me so much that you would suggest I 'try out' for the position of being your wife for 3 months. You need to find yourself a place to stay, by the end of the week, because I have some thinking to do."
Jeff,
I can see the value in what you suggest. But, this would seem to be nothing but pressure, which is the opposite of what robx seems to be suggesting.
I don't think it's pressure, once you get to the point that you are ready to set that kind of boundary. Of course, you have to also be ready to accept the consequences.
Pressure, in my mind, is more covert. Little comments, having a friend talk to her, talking about how it will affect the kids. All trying to het her to act a certain way. Setting a boundary recognizes that you can't control how she acts, that she is free in that regard. But that you can control your reaction to it.
The point, in my mind, is that when you are really "getting it", you are not DBing to try to get a certain reaction out of your spouse, you are DBing to grow yourself. As long as you are looking for a reaction you haven't detached.
My W lived in a different room forever... two years, maybe more. If I didn't do something, she would have lived there forever. I finally got to the point where that just wasn't acceptable.
I don't think it's pressure, once you get to the point that you are ready to set that kind of boundary. Of course, you have to also be ready to accept the consequences.
Pressure, in my mind, is more covert. Little comments, having a friend talk to her, talking about how it will affect the kids. All trying to het her to act a certain way. Setting a boundary recognizes that you can't control how she acts, that she is free in that regard. But that you can control your reaction to it.
The point, in my mind, is that when you are really "getting it", you are not DBing to try to get a certain reaction out of your spouse, you are DBing to grow yourself. As long as you are looking for a reaction you haven't detached.
My W lived in a different room forever... two years, maybe more. If I didn't do something, she would have lived there forever. I finally got to the point where that just wasn't acceptable.
OK Jeff, I'm with you. So how long did it take you to get to the point of not taking it anymore? Just curious - I know each sitch is different as far as a timetable is concerend. No way I think you can say in X months, I'm done.
Also, how did you know you were ready to accept the consequences?
How long..... I guess really almost four years, depending on when we say it started. There was never a "bomb", no OP, so there isn't really a line in the sand to count from. Probably too long, but that was my own problem, really.
How did I know? I can't answer that. It wasn't a sudden thing, more of a wave. One day I realized that even if she wanted to work on the M, I wasn't sure that I wanted to. I realized that my life was not better with her. Not things that one likes to think about. But it comes from inside.
futureunknown. While an affair is going on what are you doing in the marriage? Seriously? Remove yourself from it. Set the boundary and enforce it. Your choice is to be in a marriage with only the two of you. Her choice is accept this or leave. Not both. Respect yourself. You made your mistakes. Let her go make her mistakes.
Reread this line
Stop believing you are entitled to something, entitlement breeds resentment and that will lead you down a path of anger & disappointment and poor results.
Remember this applies to the both of you. It applies to everyone.
I find the biggest mistake the LBS makes is that they get so rapped up in their hurt feelings that they think they are the only person entitled to be hurt. And they do what ever they can to take on more and more hurt. We become a Martyr for our WAS. Feeling that we need to take their hurt as well since were such good LBS's and thats what a good LBS does. I read it over and over in these stiches. It becomes a way of life. Some of us even think that this our entitlment and trophey to carry around. Some use it as a weapon, attacking with guilt and hurt.
CAKE EATING is ENTITLEMENT.
And I just completely lost my train of thought....
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I have already thought about many of the "unpleasant" issues you raised. Maybe it's that I think IN A NEW M, she and I could add so much to each others' lives. I know in the current one, that can't happen.
"I've been doing some thinking, and I have decided that (four very powerful words, those -- remember them, as we'll use them later, too) I need some space. I'm questioning whether or not I want to remain married to someone who would treat me so poorly, and who would disrespect me so much that you would suggest I 'try out' for the position of being your wife for 3 months. You need to find yourself a place to stay, by the end of the week, because I have some thinking to do."
If I wasn't at work I could type some doozies.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
