Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is detaching pushing WAW back into OM's arms?

I think I'm doing a great job of detaching -- but I'm prepared for 2x4s! So swing away...

I've noticed when my WAW gets upset, she grabs her cell, runs into her room (at her parents house), and shuts the door.

She told me -- and separately the OM and his mom told me -- 3 weeks ago that the A was over and that contact had broken off. But since my WAW has lost all her friends in town over the SA (and how cruel it is to our 3 toddlers) I can't imagine who there is left for her to call but the OM.

OM promised me when I called him that it was over, because he and his LBW we're trying to salvage THEIR M. Now I'm wondering if I should call him again to check up like I said I might.

I've detached, GAL'd and act like life is great when I'm around my WAW. But is there a fine line to this? I want to be someone my WAW can rely on and turn to. But I guess her shame, guilt and anger are blocking it.

So if I'm detaching by the book, is that leaving the OM as the only person she can talk to???

Last nite at her parents house, she suggested I stick around to read a bedtime story to our 23mo twins. Afterwards, for the first time in two months, she walked me to the door w/o an argument, and asked if I'd forgotten anything, like she didn't want me to leave. I politely said no, c-ya, and left. That felt great! But I'd give anything for us to really talk.

what is "detaching by the book?"

Act as if you could care less what she does.

Act as if you could care less that your vows are violated.

Act as if you're having a fantastic time without her.

you're still attached to the outcome,
so you're not "detached"

You think going through the motions of being detached is "detached" but it isn't.

- You're still invested in every action that she takes.
- You're still invested in speaking to the OM if he is still talking to your wife, hmmmm... yeah cheaters never lie.... 2x4 "whack!"

Stop all of this.

Detaching is detaching, let go, move on.

That last part where she suggested you read a story to your kids and she walked you to the door, good stuff.

If she wants to talk to you, she will, nothing more you can do about that, let it be.

Thanks, Guys! I needed that THWACK upside the head!!

Truth??

If spouse wants the OP, ANYTHING you do can "push" them into the OPs arms!!!!

1)When I was nice to the OW in a public setting (she worked with my H), they got together later to talk about "Why BBJ was acting nice" like I was the manipulative one.

However had I been rude, I am sure they would have gotten together to talk about what a b!tch I was!

2)If you try to talk about the R, they might 'run' to the OP to get away. But if you don't talk to them, you fear they may 'run' to the OP for company. That does not equal being detached, b/c you are trying to figure out WHICH action you take will get you what you want...I learned that through experience!

3)If it rains they need to OP to stay dry, if it is cold they need them for warmth, etc etc--get the idea? You cannot try to find a way for them to NOT want the other person.

4)I asked the OW straight up if she was messing with my H because I had heard that from someone at the office. She lied to my face. 8 days later I had the chance to ask her about it as she was lying in a hotel room bed where I had just caught her with my husband. Her reason for lying to me? "I thought it was your H's place to tell you we were together, not mine...."

5)The person whose actions you can influence the most = you.

Here's another perspective on it:

With an OM, she has this fantasy life where she gets whatever needs she has fulfilled by him (emotional support, great sex, whatever), but it is the shell of a real relationship. If you detach and she runs to him, that fantasy becomes reality -- and reality is never as much fun.

It goes from being the sweet text msgs in the middle of the day and the quickie romp between the sheets when she "had to work late" to figuring out how to live together.

It's now about dirty clothes on the floor and who empties the dishwasher. It's about how cranky she gets when she's on her period, or how often he has the guys over to watch sports or play cards. How much space in the closet does she get for her stuff? How can she take the cat with her if he's allergic to pet dander?

These are all contrived and hypothetical examples, but I feel my point still stands.

I have chosen the path that if the WAS wants to live that life. Then WAS goes and lives it. Win Win. You get to heal, learn and improve yourself. WAS gets the OP and OP gets the WAS.

a couple days ago you wrote this,

"Today's obscenity-filled text rant from my WAW included a common refrain: "You're making it so easy for me not to love you anymore!! I can't wait for this to be over!!!""

Eegads. coming from someone who did what she did then dragged you to the lawyers office on your birthday, poop.

you'll get alot of differing opionons on this board, but i see nothing wrong with taking the next 30 - 45 days off from your marriage and cut off initiating communication with her. Your children are old enough that you donot have to be around her when you have them and you arent required that she supervise your parenting time. Maybe she needs to finally learn what a facebook affair does to a marriage.

Her obscenity-filled rant and arguments in the doorway sounds like she still sees you as her punching bag. I dont believe this is a positive direction towards reconcillation nor a very good attempt at co-parenting. If you are OK with that either the virtual 'thwhack' does nothing or you like 'em in some weird virtual way. I would personally say, "Look you cheated on me and you still feel you can treat me like crap when I see my kids. You really need to take some time to think about how to treat other people. In the meantime maybe your mama can meet me in the police parking lot when we exchange the children. I am done." But that is me. I dont like to get punched.

You have a whole life ahead of you and broken hearts are easily mended and reconcillation is possible, but not through interactions with her right now. Some people need to learn the hard way the ramifications of their actions. And she needs to learn what she did was not appropriate and hurtful.

Does it matter if you push her into the arms of the OM? Probably not, doubtful his marriage will be over anytime soon. His wife is a mess, he probably doesnt see paying alimony and child support as big WooHoo, he needs to deal with his guilt and family problems, let your wife go and she will become needy and pressuring on him, and he will dump her. They almost always do.

And in the meantime you know what to do.

There is that, too. You can decide if you want to let your spouse come back if the relationship with the OP falls apart. (Which is what happened with my parents, actually.)

My point was that letting your spouse run away to the OP isn't necessarily a bad thing.