Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

Hey Sweetie! Sorry I got a little behind in posting, but have caught up on the thread now. I want you to stop being so hard on yourself, okay? Every parent has snapped at their kids. You are just human and you have a lot on you right now. Stop beating yourself to death. I remember the first time I apologized to my child. It was so hard b/c I grew up in a different era where parents didn't apologized to their children. I suppose they thought it was a sign of weakness and that the kids wouldn't respect them after that. But, I found out that was not the way to think......and I did apologize to my child (and can't even remember what it was, but I think I snapped at her)however, I remember how she responded. She was so "forgiving".....and your S will be also. I really believe it allows them to see that we are just human beings and trying our best to raise them up right.

I hope you can finally come to terms about your WAW and just have peace in your life. You may have to think of her as almost being like a child b/c in many ways...that is how she sounds to me. If you could think of her in that way...it may prevent you from getting so stressed when she acts whacky!

You will eventually make friends and build up your social life, but you have spent every waking moment thinking about your boys and trying to have contact with them. That is good, but you also need adult friends.

I can't imagine living or working in such a big city! I hope you can get your "grove on" to get your furniture, etc.

I believe a lot of what you feel is natural b/c it is like all the turmoil has caught up with you.....and your body & mind is exhausted. You've been through so much! Don't be surprised to see things turning around and good things happening soon. Your attitude seems to be at the right place now, where you will be able to move on and enjoy what life has to offer you. I agree with your cousin. Treasure the good things from you MR and don't hold on to the bad stuff. You are going to make way for a brand new life now.....so get ready!

Talk to you later,
Mom

Just catching up on more journaling.

A troubling thing from last week is my 7 year old called me after we talked and said how he was sad and was hurt about how "mean" I was. He was really upset. I told him that I loved him and was really proud of him. I appologized for making him feel sad and told him that I was upset of things that were going on and know I shouldn't have been so short this weekend with both of them. I could almost hear my wife smiling, gloating and laughing in the background.

That nite she posted on her facebook page of how she just doesn't believe how some people still don't get it and haven't changed. A bunch of guys responded in support of her. I just looked at how childish it was and felt like it was HS.

I did pick up both boys on Friday and we spent a relaxing weekend at home. Both boys were excited to see me. She didn't call them on Friday. She called on Sat but my 3 year old didn't want to talk to her. It was a rainy Sat so we went to the bookstore to find some new books. My 7 year old has really gotten good at reading. My 3 year old is just getting into pretending to read. So it was a nice afternoon.

My 7 year old and I talked about him being sad. I told him that I will try not to make him sad but as the dad, there will be things that I say or do that he will not like nor agree with. I told him that it's not because I don't love him, but it's because as the parent, I do have to make the rules.

On Sunday we went to church in the morning. It is always emotional for me to go as I can still remember the last time the 4 of us went together. I was glad to have the boys with me. They did a nice job listening to the sermon and I noticed my 7 year old started to try to sing the songs. Very touching.

It got nice in the afternoon so we went out for a bike ride to the pond where we threw rocks into the water. It was a great afternoon.

She picked up the boys and I packed to head up back up to NY. It was nice to have a relaxing weekend with the boys. We really enjoyed being at home. It was really hard to head back up to NY this time around. I was surprised as it should have been routine by now.

I think part of it was that I had to pack some stuff for my apt so it feels like every week, the home that we had created is getting dismantled and there is NOTHING I can do about it. My 3 year old actually asked if we were going to have to move during the weekend. I told him that we will one day but the three of us will pick out a place together. I could see my 7 year old being really upset about it.

So I'm continuing to try and get my focus back on me. Because I know in order for the boys to my priority, I need to be a priority myself. I need to be strong, happy and confident.

Mom,

I really have come to terms with my situation. I'm ok with it. Really I am. I doesn't mean that I don't get sad or disappointed at times, but I am trying to move my life forward. I have been trying to make "adult" friends here in NY. I've also started to run and am trying to rediscover what makes me happy. For a while, all I could come up with was people that made me happy. Now I realize I can not rely on people to do that. I need to find things that I can do that make me happy, either by myself or with friends.

So I'm looking at getting a motorcycle again (that was something I always enjoyed when before kids) as well as finding a karate/boxing school to attend. I'm also looking at getting a tattoo that my cousins and I had talked about for some time. My WAW was always opposed to it, but it was something I always wanted.



Sometimes I feel like I'm slipping into a MLC, but think of it more in terms of meeting my situation head on. I didn't create this situation, but only I can make the best of it and turn things around. I'm not locking the door but I'm no longer looking at the door nor peeking through it to see if she is making any motion towards it. I truly feel I've done all that I could but need to move on with my life.

There have been women who have told me how "great" of a guy they thought I am. I never really paid much attention to it as I still felt like I was still working on my marriage. Maybe it's time I started to.....

As I told my WAW when I asked about dinner for what would have been our 10 year anniversary, I will always look back at the time together as a positive as I have two incredible boys that I will always love and cherish. That alone made the years priceless.

I have learned so much during those years and particularly over this past year. A dear friend of mine had lamented about how people spend so many years training/learning to be successful in their careers but there is very little relative to being in a relationship/marriage and as a parent. I feel like I've learned more in the past 9 months than I had in my entire lifetime.

I'm still learning everyday, about myself and relationships. So I know that I will be better trained for my next relationship so the outcome will be different.

So thanks for the encouragment mom :-)

you're sounding really good cip. I am happy for you bro'.

T

Thanks T

Funny part is I don't feel "good" most of the time. I still feel hurt, angry, disappointed many times. I do have moments when I'm happy. That is primarily when I'm with my boys. I'm trying to find things that make me happy here in NY. That is my biggest struggle right now.

I know where I'm at in my situation. I don't like it nor am I happy about it but I do accept that I've done all that I could have done. She is the one who broke the promise in the worst way, with multiple people. That is what she will have to bear.

I don't think you are slipping into MLC. It is all the adjustments you've had to make that has caught up with you and causing you to think about a different life than the one you originally thought you would have (with wife). So, as you said, you are thinking about things you once enjoyed that doesn't include your wife....or not necessarily any others.....just you. It's been a few years since you've done that so you probably do feel a bit odd trying to fit your nitch, so to speak.

You're going to be fine. Try not to worry about what you think W may be saying to the boys (I know that's hard) and try try to focus on your life in NYC through the week and your kids on the weekend. When you can to talk to them on week nights....that is an extra bonus.

Have to leave for work. Hope you have a good day.

cipa,

hope you're doing better today. I've been reading up on your sitch and yes it does suck how much your W has changed. Mine too. Have you ever dropped hints that you were with another woman? What do you think your W would think about that?

Just thinking of other ways to get out of the position you're in.

I just get a little worried about the MLC issue as I do feel that is part of the issue with my WAW. I just don't want to walk into the same fog. A few of my friends made that comment when I told them I was planning on getting a motorcycle again and finally getting the tattoo that I've wanted for years (it would be my first tattoo - it's a chinese symbol for family, my cousins and I had talked about all getting one to match).

I did go for my run tonite. It was a miserable nite where it was cold and rainy but I still went out. It went better than last nite's run, but I'm still getting used to running outside instead of on a treadmill. I do like the outside better, but it's a little discouraging how much harder it is.

I talked to one of my buddies who runs (10 milers) and he said that was normal. Most people who train on treadmills have to train to run twice as far/hard vs people who run outside.

I was a little down tonite as for dinner I just wound up eating a couple of hot pockets. I had hoped to go out to dinner with one of my NY friends but it didn't work out.

I did get to talk to my friend in DC and my cousin so that was good to catch up.

My WAW called me to ask if I wanted to buy my son's school pictures. I then talked to my boys. Then she got back onto the phone asking about how I wanted to handle the holidays. I reminded that her that I asked her for us to work things out without the courts a few of weeks ago but she never got back to me. She said she still wanted to do that so I told her that we should talk by the end of this week to work it out (we have a court date in 2 weeks).

So, I'm still sad and disappointed but I am good. One of my dear friends helped me put an email together to let her know that I'm done dealing with her BS and she should not expect me to be her back up plan or safety net anymore. This is particularly in light of the fact that we hadn't talked in a few weeks. Tonite, she sounded unusually "friendly" but I'm not buying it. Perhaps I'm cynical but she has yet to do anything to try and earn back any trust.

Tomorrow nite, I've got it set up to go out with a couple of buddies to watch game 2 of the world series. Hopefully it will go better than tonite's game. Go Yankees!

Thanks again for the encouragement "mom"

Stuck,

I've been following your thread but haven't really been able to add much. Relative to "other women", I've been very sensitive to that as that was something she had accusing me of over the last two years. I didn't get it because I had never done anything that would be remotely considered as such nor even considered it. Now I know why as that was what she had been doing, cheating on me.

Anyway, there were a few times where she really "reacted" to situations where she thought I might have found someone else this year. I hadn't nor was I even trying. At one point, she had flat out accused me that I would go find someone as soon as she left me in April this year. At first I thought she was really worried about it, but in hindsight, it was just her projecting onto me.

So I can't really comment on it as while there are some similarities in our situation, there is a key one. Your wife had not had a physical affair. Mine has had multilple. Perhaps we could have worked through one, but I don't have the strength nor desire to work through anything beyond that.

I wish I could offer more than that, but know that you are always in my prayers and I hope your miracle happens.

Take care

Just checking to see how your weekend went. Did you take the boys Trick/Treating?