Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help... I need to stop reacting!

Something else.... I think I know the answer to this but am putting it out there anyway... just because I have no where else to process this stuff and no one else to process it with (so thanks!)

Is there ever any purpose to contact with OP? I'm sure any of us who have been there fantasize about what to say to the homewrecker.... Some days it is all I can do not to do that. I have rehearsed various scripts in my mind so many times....

Just putting it out there... has anyone done that and what effect did it have?

I know it is the WAS that we need to hold responsible but it is so tempting sometimes....

Just having a moment... grrrr.....

I don't think it's a good idea to contact OP. The OP is just as dysfuncial as the WAS I believe. I think it just makes you look insecure and validates even more why WAS did what he/she did.

I contacted the OP. But via email to his work email. But it was on the same day as my Plan B letter and communication to 2 of her friends about Plan B and also exposed the A to one of her ultra catholic friends and communication with OPS.

I only did it out of a huge plan that day to ruin her plans and to make her think about me for a change. On a side note it was also to ruin her trip to see OP while he was staying in another country.

LBS can play games just as well while they gain control of their lives.

OP is dysfunctional. Personally in this stich I do not think that she is even worth you thinking about her. If you do ever work things out. I think it would be good to contact her with a restraining order.

You're just still a bundle of nerves, and I worry that what you would see and hear might be unbearable for you.

You need to get to a place where it's almost like gamesmanship -- like a war game. The word "detached" gets thrown around so much around here, but it really is what needs to happen.

Puppy

No.

OP's spouse, yes, but not OP. It elevates them in importance (think some rag-tag terrorist, negotiating directly with the President of the United States), you don't know if you'll be able to control yourself, the two of them will have a good laugh at your expense, and you'll most likely take what she tells you as some combination of truth and useful information, which it is neither.

Those are just a few, right off the top of my head.

Puppy

Don't EVER dignify OP by contacting them. PDT is right. You are above them and they are not worth the time of day from you.They cannot KNOW that they are getting to you. Part of your gameface is that they are insignificant. That they do not matter. Contacting them will show that they are in your thoughts if only for a fleeting second.

I think we have all have fantasies. It is only human. But we attach too much importance to them. Don't get caught up in their drama. Create some drama for them to get caught up in by successfully DBing. Leave them wondering WTH happened????

OK.... Puppy I hear you that I am not ready. I know you are right. I am looking for some magic bullet to make my anxiety go away and if I find those answers that could make it much worse. So the question then is.... am I strong enough/ready to set the boundaries you are suggesting? Sometimes I think yes, and some days I still crumble from the stress of it all.

So, do I just keep "detaching"? You are saying that word gets thrown around too much. I re-read the original posts on Coach's detachment thread to remind myself what it really means. I guess I am not there yet. This is harder than I could have imagined.

About the OP - OK I hear all of you! lol I pretty much knew that I would get that answer but I needed to hear the reasons. I had not thought at all about the amount of importance that would give her. That makes so much sense! You people who've been here awhile are so smart! :-) Of course, she needs to be insignificant.... not worth my time!

Creating drama by DBing... now that's a concept. Thanks for that idea Kara. Hmmmmmm..... I have been thinking more about how to "act like" the WAS but with keeping my values intact (i.e. no OP). Still working on that one... (so against my nature but I guess that is why they are called 180's right?)

Hi Rocked, just thought I'll pop in and add my 2 cents .

I think you already got the message loud and clear on OP. Besides the fact that she is, has to be, insignificant, realistically, what could you ever achieve from contact? Shame her? They have no shame. Reason with her? They are dysfunctional. Plead with her? They have no honor.

I struggled alot with the contact with OP issue in my sitch too. I guess I can at least partly understand your difficulties. For me, it wasn't so much the actual $ at that time, but of related issues. W had major financial security issues and resentment at my inability to provide it (real and mostly perceived). And she had finally after years of working hard gotten a job she loved and the recognition (and pay) she deserved. I had plenty of advice and "tough love" on this forum about never compromising on NC - all given with the best of intentions and really solid advice. I chose to adapt it and indeed compromise. Was I weak in doing so? To be honest, yes, probably more than I would like to admit. I did think long and hard about it though.

I did not want to rock the boat for a WAW who "at least" promised to end the A and try to work things out. I didn't want to destroy her self image, an important avenue for her self-expression (her job), and heighten her perceived $ worries. Of course, the natural answer would be "tough, she made choices, now she has to face the consequences". That would almost invariably be the right response. I took a (pretty big) risk in compromising on that. As in your sitch, contact with OP was supposed to be "strictly business".

I did however, insist on:

- deletion of all personal contacts on online chats and mobile devices.
- Passwords to all the various email accounts she had set up to contact him.
- reasonable explanation on time spent apart from me.
- (as little as that may count), her word that the A was over and she would not only not contact him, but discourage contact from him.
- to be informed if he does contact her.
- her best efforts to have him removed from her portfolio
- and/or she has to look for a new job opportunity

I also made it clear:

- I was compromising and extending trust in working out our M, but I was NOT happy with the arrangement.
- she would have to show me she was working on the M.
- the arrangement was not to be permanent.
- I would be GAL and if at any point I had reasonable doubt about her, I would give her fair warning and want out. I was not and will not live in an open M.

And I "DBed" and detached the best I could. I have to stress, contact, even negative contact, is known to reset the clock to 00:00:00 and I really had no assurance how this would pan out. Then again, whether you insist on full NC or not, the point of detaching is really to leave it to your spouse to make his/her own choices. I felt I could deal with the consequences if she continued to make the wrong ones.

It was a VERY difficult and painful route - for her as well. She didn't get over the fog or the addiction overnight. All I can say is that she woke up and then earned the trust back. I have to say I was emotionally done at certain points and it would have taken very little for me to pull the plug. Through a million ways, her actions, her entire PERSON changed somewhere along the line. As I posted elsewhere, the dropping of the WAS mode entails a complete change of BEING - some things cannot be faked.

In hindsight, what may have helped was an incident very early on when OM texted her in what was clearly a non business tone. She immediately texted back to leave her alone. He claimed it was a mis-sent text. I was in a cold rage and called his home and asked to speak to OMW. When told she was busy, I left a polite message for her that her H had an A with my W, and that W wanted him to stop pursuing her. Only much later in our sitch, W told me OM called her and freaked out, telling her that I had no right to invade his home like that. She told him to stop contact then, and to consider what he had done to my home.

I just wanted to share this - I am not saying you should make the same choices. My W is an immensely strong woman and I did sense a part of her that really wanted out of the fog.

Hi Deep,
Thanks for your thoughts and sharing your sitch with me. That is very helpful. My H has not yet decided he can commit to the M, so I have no leverage to ask those kinds of things... yet. I am still holding out hope that he will wake up at some point too. He is attending MC with me, and so far the MC has started challenging him quite effectively... but also not pushing too hard, so I am hopeful. (but very cautiously so... the months since the bomb have taught me never to get my hopes up too much... very dangerous to the emotional well being!
It is encouraging to hear that your wife did eventually wake up. And, that you survived all the pain, heart ache and anxiety. Also - that you were emotionally done at times but still found your way through to forgive and move forward. It IS possible! Sometimes I just need to hear that.
One day at a time... sometimes one hour at a time .... that is what I am just trying to do now. Thanks again...

Journaling,
I'm sure no one is on line right now but I am really struggling. Third night in a row H is out so late. All three nights right after MC session where he agreed to not "avoid" being home so much and make efforts!
As usual, can't sleep.
Clearly I am not detaching.
I guess I don't know how, am not ready?
How did others get through this?
I don't where else to turn. H and I both have high profile jobs and I don't know what I would do without the confidentiality of this forum.
I used to think of myself as a strong person. I don't think I am strong enough for this.
I know tomorrow will be a new day and I will find some strength and some way to get through. Right now it's just hard to see.
Thanks for letting me vent.