Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What to do, what to do?

Sounds like good advice! Passion party sounds interesting. If it's something that the Old you would never do then it might be worth a try. I've heard those types of parties can be a nice laugh (never been to one yet but friends have.)

Funny, our anniversary is coming up on Halloween. We've made tentative plans to go to FIL's so the kids can trick-or-treat there and hang out. I plan on maybe doing a card but also bringing a rose for W and each D. Maybe something else small and special.

Definitely want W to know that I'm sincere even if she's unwilling to reconsider right now.

M.A. Good luck with Anniversary looming. I've been thinking about it for months. It's so sad isn't it?

Thanks Dusk & Buttercup. Yep, never been to Passion Party but that's just what I'm going to do. It's such a big night for me because my girls have never spent a night away from me but I think we're all ready. I am going to go out and have some child free fun! You know what, I'm not even going to wish him a Happy A unless he brings it up.

Had a bit of a rough day. Not sure what specifically triggered it but let's just say about an hour ago, I was google'ing Separation Agreements. H was here with our d's all day. I was working from home in the am and then left from 1-4:30pm. I think maybe I had too much contact with him today and my expectations were too high.

Strangers treat me better than my own husband. I deserve to have someone actually care about what I have to say, damn it! Just pretend that you're listening at least. He's so fricken rude! Someone please remind me why I am doing this again. Because right now, I'm tired of his sh!t and am feeling done.

H wanted to ML earlier today and I just couldn't go there again. Last time, I felt so used after wards, it just made me sad. Anyway, I told him I couldn't do it and why. Conversation led us down the old R talk. He says he still doesn't know what he wants. I told him he's been saying that for 4 months and that I am finally starting believe him. I was in denial for awhile about it all. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted to reconcile from day 1 but he if he didn't feel that way then maybe it was time to move on. He didn't say anything, just continued to watch TV. Nice.

Today, I feel like D may not be such a bad thing. Maybe I am kidding myself about this all. He's got some major baggage. Yes, I love him but he just won't own his cr@p. He's in denial about how any of this effects our children. I don't think he realizes how crazy this all is. He's living in his own little world. His selfish little world. Our girls are young. They won't remember this. He's done this once before and if he doesn't go to IC to fix why he does this then I can guarantee it will happen again. The kids will be older then and more impressionable. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. I just don't know.

I'm smacking myself with a 2x4 and getting back up. I need to work on my detaching and my 180'ing.

I have felt and sometime feel this exact same way. As a matter of fact, I think i actually told him something along these lines when I slipped once early on. Just so you know, it didnt go over very well.

Sounds to me like you had a little too much contact as well. Getting into an R talk also didnt help. I dont think you needed to or should have offered him an explaination as to why you didnt want to ML. A simple no, would have possibly been better and avoided the R talk. No, and then busy yourself with something else.

Vent here as much as you need and want to.

Breaking a plate sometimes helps too.

Dusk

Dusk- That's my problem, I talk too much. Need to learn to shut up.

Another chapter in my saga has developed. I made plans for Saturday night (10 yr anniversary) with a girlfriend. We were going out on the town together and I was going to stay at her place that night. Kids are going to be at Grandma's. Well latest development... H and I are going to go out that night. It was kind of awkward how it all came about. But we've decided to see how it goes that night with just the two of us and no kids.

H called this morning and we were talking about the weekend schedule with the kids. He mentioned a ball game he was going to of my alma mater. I joked and said that he should gift me his tickets (it's on our anniversary). Next thing you know, anniversary talk. He asked me what I wanted to do about it (which seems to be the trend with him) and then mentioned that he thought I was done with the R (from my last "eruption"). I told him I was confused. He asked if I wanted to do something for our anniversary in an unsure, unexcited way. I told him, I'd have to think about it and then later said yes, we should see how it goes. If it wasn't our anniversary, I would have loved to decline the invite.

He asked me if I was taking the kids to Grandma's for a sleepover because I had been hoping all along that we would get together for our anniversary. I told him truthfully, I had no expectations but I knew I did not want to spend the night alone. He asked me what my plans were I told him out with a girlfriend and spending the night at her place. He asked if he knew my friend I told him no. He also asked where we were going to go. Our plans were to go to some fun places to have a few drinks and get hit on but I spared that part. I did tell him where we were going and that was enough to get the picture.

He called back an hour ago and asked me if I decided. I thought I had already decided but maybe I wasn't clear. I told him, yes, let's go out. He mentioned Monday night as possibly being a better option so we can all go as a family. I declined that option and said let's do Saturday. Of course, here's me thinking... Is he trying to back out? I asked him, "if you aren't comfortable with this than we can do it another time". He said, no, he would be fine. I'm pretty sure that I should have kept my mouth shut right there. I can't figure out if it's my need to rescue people or me trying to take control. I don't know.

Anyway the plan for now is to go to an Ale House for dinner. They've got lots of tv's, pool tables and darts. I thought that would be a good place since we can do things instead of sitting across from each other all awkward.

I don't get a warm and fuzzy from all of this but that's probably me mind reading again. My H is never one to take charge in relationships. He always seems the type to go along for the ride (with women at least). Is this once again the case of me taking charge?

Any opinions or tips on all of this? Should I not go out with him and go out with my GF instead?

It's a definite. I have a date with H tomorrow night for our 10 year anniversary. Wow! I never would have thunk it. I'm excited but I'm trying to keep zero expectations on the night and tread lightly. I'm nervous on how it is all going to go.

Hi Lulu,
Wow...I can totally see why you've gone back and forth wondering if you should or shouldn't go tomorrow night. And you know I've felt the EXACT same way - that my H treats strangers better then me, that he's totally selfish, that he's had long enough to figure out what he wants and that sometimes I wonder why I am fighting this fight.

With all that being said, If I were you, I would go on the date tomorrow night. I mean - it is your 10th anniversary so why not give it a shot? Regardless of what you do - something with him or a girlfriend...the marriage will be on your mind bc it is your anniversary.

I think you have the right attitude and good plans. Just go with an open mind and a good attitude. This is much easier said than done, but just try to have a nice night and don't think too much about things. Simply try to enjoy your dinner and if you really feel uncomortable, order a glass of wine. : ) I think you'll be fine as long as follow your plans to tread lightly and have no expectations. Don't bring the R up. Just try to have fun and show him a little of that beautiful, fun, flirty, carefee woman who he feel in love with. She's still there!

I'm just like you. I do not have my DD stay away from me very often, but since you have a free night - enjoy it. I really hope things gone well for you. I know you could really use a great night to feel better.

Hey...I have a question. It sounds like your H has said to you many, many times the SAME thing my H has said to me - that he doesn't know what he wants. Do you really think that's true, that he really doesn't know? I had such a hard time believing my H when he told me that. But then again, they see everything through a delusional fog so who knows.

Anyway...back to the main topic...look hot tomorrow and show your H that he would be LUCKY to be with you - cause I know it's true!

Gotta run for now. : )

Been thinking about you. I hope Saturday night went well.

Hi Court! Last night went surprisingly well. I had zero expectations and maintained that the whole night. I was nervous about the whole thing and had a couple of glasses of wine to loosen me up. That did not hurt things at all. I was quite chipper!

H picked me up at the house at 7pm and we went to dinner. We had nice small talk. I was very careful to not focus on me and followed the mantra "listen like a lover". I didn't argue, contradict or try to correct him. I listened and acknowledged. I caught myself a few times yapping away and then stopped myself. I was pretty proud of my db'ing efforts. It took A LOT of effort but I did it. Seriously hard work.

We ended up coming back to the house and just watching tv. One thing led to another and we ML. No complaints there. But the pullback came immediately after wards, he left. Even though I was expecting something like that, it still hurt. BUT, I felt pretty good about the whole night. It was major progress.

Of course, it didn't hurt that H called this morning to see if I had spoken to our girls. During the conversation he apologized for leaving abruptly and then as an added bonus he said, "I had a good time last night. It was like the old us." After I picked my jaw up off of the floor, I told him that I had fun too. Kept the conversation short and sweet and that was that. I'll see him tomorrow and will have to keep on keeping on. DB'ing, 180'ing and GAL'ing because something is working!