This is where you must understand that emotional attachment and GALing is not for the benefit of your other half - but for you. It will help you create a mindset where you are able to interact with the world and H with your own needs in the front of your mind and not trying to do or say the 'right thing' to please your H or what you think will 'fix' your M.
If you try to play games with his mind, I feel that eventually you will slip up and reveal your truer self - and destroy any advances you have made.
If you make these changes for your benefit, then you will be more likely to stay true to them. This has a double win/win side.
1/ If you still D, then you will have moved on and will be more able to heal and find other happiness.
2/ If you don't D, then the changes will have worked in saving your M, but also you will also be able to build a stronger M, and you will be a more confident and stronger person in yourself.
Regards, Gyn
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Thanks Gyn! So true... these techniques need to be for me, and if they end up helping save the M... bonus! I am trying to remember that. I am working hard on the PMA and lots of ups and downs with that but getting better. One day at a time... sometimes it is one minute at a time but I always get through...
If he agreed/claims that he has cut off contact, you can reasonably want some transparency. One problem in the near term is that even if he really means it, he will probably slip up. So, you have to ask yourself if you want to know about that, as things stand now. I think it would be fair to tell him that you are going to be checking, and asking him for information (to see his phone, bills, whatever might help) from time to time. I don't know that it is time to draw a line in the sand, yet, but I think letting him know that you are watching is a good plan.
In the meantime, make sure you keep on taking care of you! That's where the real progress comes.
Thanks for your thoughts Jeff. The thing is that throughout the EA that went on from April til now, he has completely refused to let me see any online or phone communication (obviously). I am certain that if I start to push that issue now it will be something that pushes him away again. I feel that the little bit of progress we have made is really fragile.
BUT... you are right that it is more than reasonable of me to ask that.
I don't know... I feel quite torn about this...
He has agreed to joint counselling and I am hoping the M counsellor who seems quite pro-M will help raise that issue.
I am aware that there is a strong likelihood of slipping up...
I think you start by making sure you like yourself. Really, really try to move the focus off of him, and onto you. Besides, which one of you can you control?
As far asking asking for transparency, I can see why you might be wary of doing that just now. Waiting to see what the MC has to say makes lot of sense to me.
Try not to take his inability to make the appointment personally, especially not the first time. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel on that one! For now, assume the best, and give him another chance!
well this is the third appointment he has had an excuse for now... really, really discouraged today. I know you are right... take the focus off him... I am trying. Just feel so, so sad today. Plus, I can feel that he wants to pursue OW and is "worried" about how she is doing... He pretty much said that. doesn't seem to matter how i am doing tho.... *sigh* just trying to keep breathing in and out....
Have gone back to this as my original thread. I understand starting too many makes things confusing. Where things are at now.... of course contact was resumed. Of course H didn't tell me, I confronted and he admitted. H claims they are "winding things down" and I supposed to be patient and let him do that on his own time frame. How I am supposed to be able to trust that, baffles my mind that he would even ask that of me. Still struggling with detaching. In terms of GALing.. I feel like one of us needs to be here for the kids, since H isn't much. They are teenagers... not like you can get a sitter! lol. But they need parental presence and right now that's me. So, I find it hard to do 180's and GAL when i am home most of the time in the evenings. We have a MC appointment on Friday. H says he is coming. We have had one so far, and it went ok. *sigh* do these sitches ever end... feels likes this will drag on forever and I am so tired...
