Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

What is it about holidays and the timing of bombs? H dropped my bomb last Christmas and moved out 1/3/09...So..I'm dreading this one and have two weeks off of work(b/c I thought I'd be caring for the girls by myself)..H is home-sort of...physically but not always mentally.

I'm trying to think of some low-key activities for me and the girls since H doesn't want to take a vacation. My original plan, if I was separated/divorced, was for the girls and I to go on a cruise this Christmas...well that's not happening and H is home but doesn't want to do anything-and then complains that we(really he) just sits and watches TV...

Would anyone share some activities they're planning? I could use some ideas! or strategies to get thru the holidays mentally intact?

KJ,

Not sure what it is about the holidays. Maybe it is the additional pressure and stress (which is there for most of us at some level I think, whether it is purely "good" stress or not). Maybe it is the guilt because holidays and family go together. Who knows.

Sorry, I don't have any activities planned for ideas. I would love some, too.

Hi KJ ~

My H knows how much I love Christmas, so

last year...
ten days before Christmas, he told me he filed for D.
He had just got up from the table after filling out Christmas cards, with both our names on them.

Now this year...
Our D has been at a standstill for most of the year, so he filed a hearing request.
Date? Dec 11th.

In my case, I think ow is pushing it.
"Pretty Please, for me, for Christmas."

MJ

Wow that anti-Christmas behaviour thing is interesting. I know I struggled through Christmas last year, keeping the peace and H exploded on Stephen`s Day(Dec 26th).

This time round we passed trying to keep the marriage together though H is likely to be still living here over Christmas so survival strategies are a must here too.

I know its a double edged sword, but having a little family/other people around for a couple of hours fun might take the pressure off, though you`d have to be very careful of course that the visitors wouldn`t create more tension, so chose invites carefully.

I also intend baling out with the kids over the holiday season-short trips, games, visit neighbours anything not to be around for a brewing row.

And I`m going to minimize the preparations and fuss for the day itself.I will not be tired and stressed.

Last night H asked me if his cousin could come over for Thanksgiving-he said he wasn't sure how to ask me(WTF?..just ask!).. I said fine. I figure the boys can watch football and the girls and I will go to a movie or something... I asked H if we could be civil with a guest and he said he wasn't sure but hoped so...(H doesn't yell with people around-usually-..its just tense sometimes..no fun for guests)

MLJ-your H has impeccable timing! :-( Focus on what you like about Christmas-put your energy there. Make some new memories..I'm just trying to figure out how to do that with H at home in withdrawal/depression...

What I imagine: lots of movies at home, a few out in the theater, maybe sledding if there's snow, making christmas cookies, playing borad games, walks outside if its nice-maybe touring open homes or model homes for fun decorating ideas...bowling..hanging out with friends somewhere other than our home. still thinking of more since I don't think that'll sustain me two weeks...

Okay, so I am just venting here. Overall lately I have been doing well, happy, living my life and taking care of my kids.

Last night I was just overwhelmingly sad. The man I chose to marry would have never done this to me and his kids. That is in good part why I chose him. I trusted him implicitly. I realize he is not that man now but it is still hard to fathom. I know we all (the LBSs) go through this. I just don't understand how a previously responsible adult can decide they have a "right" to put themselves above everyone else, including their children, that they have the "right" to be selfish. Yes, I have heard those words, he has the "right."

I am sad that my kids have a very sucky role model for a man right now. I worry that my daughter will always have insecurities with men when she is older, that she may be always afraid they will walk away from her, that she will never be "good enough" (since it appears her mom wasn't "good enough" for her dad to stick it out with). I worry that my son will think it is okay to walk when things get tough, to ignore his own kids, etc. I pray all the time to be enough for them.

We both come from families with parents who have been married 40+ years and have been through some tough times together.

I know he is in crisis and is not himself and that hurting people hurt people but just having a pity party right now. Really, I am just venting. I have been well overall lately!

I also wonder about the fact that he is still at home. Is that a "bad" thing as far as him being able to work through his issues? I definitely don't want to push him out the door, but I wonder.

TF,

IMO it isn't a bad thing for him to be at home. That doesn't mean it isn't the harder thing. Harder for both of you.

Detaching was much harder for me when my H was here. Yoyu could make the arguement that it was still much earlier on in this too. So, who knows what might have happened had he stayed here. He didn't.

I know you think he is being selfish and I won't argue that point. What I have come to understand though is just home much my H hurts. In some cases I think the MLC or even WAS sees their actions as a natural reaction to their spouses having left them emotionally. Not saying you did, just saying it's something I see.

As far as having the right to be happy, sure we all deserve that. How we get there also deserves alot of careful thought and consideration when we have families. I think for alot they really feel they have tried everything. Does the LBS see it that way? Not usually. Maybe b/c we didn't really hear them as they tried in whatever manner is theirs to tell us what was wrong.

I know you are just venting. I'm feeling very introspective lately. That usually has me looking at things through different lenses.

I hope you feel better and I know that even with things going well overall it's easy to go where you have.

HUGS

Thanks for your input Grace. It is always welcome.

You know, when he shows me his hurt which has happened occasionally over the past few months when he really opens up and lets me into his head, I can see how very deep and soul shattering it is. And that is where the selfishness comes in, I guess. He truly can't focus on anything but himself and his pain. I get that. I just can't fathom how it is possible he can't stop it at will, but I understand he really can't at this point.

Quite honestly, I have done the scrutinizing in the mirror and have listened to his complaints. He had a QLC about 10 years ago and I know the issues that plagued him then have continued and he felt they were "swept under the rug" back then, which maybe they were, but they were issues he had with himself and his identity and really didn't have much at all to do with me.

That is why this sudden change in character and lashing out at me took me by surprise. He hadn't really expressed problems with me/our marriage and I think overall it was pretty good. yes, there were some issues but nothing major and nothing that warranted this kind of reaction!

Anyway, it is what it is. I have been able to sort through the lashings to what is real and what is not and honestly I believe I have taken the fight away. HIs anger which was often directed at me the couple months pre and post bomb really isn't there anymore. EVERYTHING else in his world makes him mad it seems like, everyone else is doing him wrong, everyone is out to get him, etc., is what I hear these days,rather than me being the problem which is something I am grateful for.

I will just keep doing what I am doing. I have been spending a lot of time on my knees lately. The one thing I need to not let happen is that he has seen me sad a few times the past couple of weeks. Not sure if it is good or bad but I don't want him to see me as a mopey person, because I really am not that these days.

Hmmmmm . . . kind of a long post. Sorry!

TF,

Venting is wonderful.

Grace made a good point. Having them home is harder, but is it better or worse, only you know the answer to that. It is different….

I know it is hard to understand how they become selfish. I too heard that it was time for H to be selfish for a change.

I do agree that we haven’t seen all of the “work” on the relationship that they think they have done. But the bottom line with it is still the same… What they did try, or think they have tried, has not worked to make them feel any differently about themselves or their lives and they need to keep going on their search until they take the time to really look into the mirror.

You are doing well for yourself. That I know and believe. You have a strength that I don’t think you are fully aware of.

As far as the holidays, enjoy them. Do whatever brings YOU and your kids joy. If your H is involved, he is. If he isn’t, well that is his choice. Your role in this now, is to feed your own soul. Take care of the only person you can control, which is you, and set the example for your children. They will be impacted by what he does, but they will be equally impacted by how you handle the situation and yourself. If you show them your strength, if you show them that you are good enough to be happy and love yourself, they will learn that and the issues that you brought up, will not be as bad.

Have a good day my friend.