I had been posting on another place, but seemed slow, so thought maybe this would be better place for me..
Well its been one week since DH moved out. I actually had a pretty good week. I kept busy, was positive, texted DH a few times just asking somethings about the house, etc. Nothing R wise, just simple stuff.
Then I took a chance and asked him out for dessert Friday night. He agreed, then asked if we could go out for whole meal and if he could bring his laundry over. I said yes. We had a great time, no R talk, just life talk. Was nice to actually have a conversation with him, usually its just me talking and him randomly nodding his head. I got a hug when he left, which was nice.
Well, this weekend is my bday..yea, sucks that all this crap happens now, but oh well..what do you do. I got HB from all of his family, his mom called, his step mom called and I just kept waiting for him to at least text or something and finally he did about 5pm. a "happy birthday" was all I got. I guess it was something right?
Well this weekend, he went up north to spend time with his buddies who are all single and all they do is party and tried to get laid. Yea, great bunch of friends...and so I sit here and think all nasty thoughts...negative thoughts and get angry.
Why can't he grow up? Why can't he be responsible? Why can't he find friends that are married and responsible?? And lastly..is he really who I want to be with if he won't ever change????
I know I can't control him or what he does and I never will be able to, so if he doesnt change, is this the person I want to be with the rest of my life?
First of all - Happy Birthday!!! It sounds to me like you are doing the right things and that's probably why he wanted to have dinner with you - he wasn't anticipating any pressure. However I also think you are asking the right questions - is this really someone you want to be with. I don't know your whole story, but I do know that you can't change someone, they have to want to change themselves. If your H had a history during your M of being irresponsible and hanging around single guys who are just interested in partying and getting laid, then why would you want that in your life.
You're right you can't control him - nor would you really want to would you? However, you can control you and what you want in life.
I am just so tired of this up and down, not only with our marriage but with my feelings as well. I don't know what he wants, nor does he, which is why he decided to move out. He said our problems are not my fault, which he has been thinking for the past few years, but that he is just not happy. BUT does he do anything to figure out how to make himself happy? NO!
I want to be happy and am tired of waiting to be with someone who is ready to live life, do fun things, share secrets and dreams with me.
Maybe the reason I get so upset with him is that I have never truly forgiven him for his EA about 3 years ago. Because if I did, I would trust him now and while I do the majority of the time feel I trust him, now, in this situation we are in, how can I? He is "finding himself" and off on his own with no accountability to us. And if he had and EA when we were together why would he not choose to do this again?
Deep down, I honestly dont think he would, but like I said, I think its because I havent yet forgiven him yet, so the thought just creeps up in my head, like this weekend.
I ruined a perfectly great weekend, after a wonderful date night with my DH, all because I didnt trust him. Frustrating because I don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry for the rambling....just need to get these thoughts out of my head, and better here than to him.
My decision is to do LRT this week. I last texted him last night asking if he could feed dog when I am gone this weekend, and asked him if he could pick me up from airport on Sunday to save some money. He said yes to both.
Now I don't plan to have any contact with him until he picks me up on Sunday..If I can do it. God help me!
Continue to take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. The more time you spend GALing and taking care of you will result in less time spent thinking about him and wondering what he may or may not be doing, which you really can't control anyway. Hang in there and enjoy your time away.
Well, after I said I was not going to contact him all week, I ended up calling him because I needed to ask him a question about the house. I had texted him the night before asking if he was awake and about hour later he said he was in bed and why? Well I never responded, so when I called last night, he has if I had needed something. I told him I had talked to my dad and was just upset and needed someone to talk to. (He knows about the estranged R with my dad)He asked me what he said and I just went into little detail and left it at that, just saying I just needed someone to talk to about it.
Then I told him he had mail and a few other things, and then asked if he still planned on picking me up on Sunday or if I should make other arrangements and he said he would pick me up. He asked when I was leaving and I told him Thursday.
Thanked him for his help and said goodbye. Simple convo, yet it left me feeling more positive. Not sure what it did for him if anything, but I felt better!
Now will see if I can go the rest of the week without any contact. He knows that where I am going (a seminar for work) that my friend is no longer going to be there, so just wonder if hes wondering who I will be hanging out with then.
I feel physically ill. Things have only seemed to have gotten worse. DH has issues..mostly his self worth and until he can love himself, he won't be able to love anybody else..this I know cuz I was there once too.
So now he has given up ...says the time apart makes him realize he just wants to be alone. There is no one else, I believe that, I think its just himself.
This just plain sucks..I really thought we could have worked things out. Now I am just angry...angry for him wasting the last 5 years, which was when this whole crap began. If we would have ended it back then, I could have moved on and been with someone else by now, happily married, having kids..which I have always wanted.
Now I am scared..its been so long...we have been together about 10 year and I don't know how to move on.
I KNOW I am strong enough and can do this..but its so hard..it hurts so bad.
One thing though..when I asked him if we were finally done, I got no response..just silence. Why can't he say it?
Then I threw my wedding ring and other ring he gave me on our wedding night into his bag and he got pissed and left. Why does HE have reason to be pissed? Does he think I was going to be happy about this?
I woke up this morning feeling positive and made the decision to make my marriage work and this is what happened?
what do I do now? Should I leave all the divorce stuff up to him or just do it myself and be done?
Im so mentally exhausted..I dont know how much more I can handle...
I'm sorry that things have gotten worse for you this past month. I think what you need to do is just step back and begin to solely focus on yourself and how you can build a satisfying life on your own going forward.
It is possible that after an extended break that your H will have time to work out his own issues and decide that one of the good things in his life was you and decide to pursue rebuilding your marriage. If that happens then at that point you will be a stronger more self confident person and can decide if that's also what you want as well.
It is also possible that after an extended period of time you or your H will not want to stay married. If that is the case you will be much stronger and more capable of dealing with the end of the marriage.
I know how tough it is to "start over" after being with someone for so long. I have been with my W for the last 17 years. However during the past six months I have begun to prepare myself for the end of this relationship and recognize that there is a better life for me out there. One not filled with suspicions, one not filled with a lack of commitment, one where I am much happier with myself and eventually with someone who appreciates me and is happy to be with me.
You are so right. I have tried over the past 2 months to focus just on myself and while for the most part, I have done pretty well, I still couldn't help but feel angry and frustrated and H. Plus I am also "fixer" so me not being able to "help" him was frustrating for me as well.
Right now I have a lot of anger issues dealing with my marriage and H and think I need to focus on those things and becoming a much better person. I KNOW I deserve to be happy and so now I will try to begin my search towards that direction, wherever it may lead.
Thanks again for your response....It made me feel better and actually step back and take a look at what I need to do now.
I'm glad you are feeling better. Just take each day one at a time and remember to focus as much or even more time on growing the flowers in your yard as you do on exterminating (or fixing) the weeds - if you know what I mean.
Yesterday was a much better day, despite my eyes hurting and burning from all the crying the night before. I had a "snow" day, which was perfect as I really didn't feel like being around anyone anyway.
I felt more positive and did some searches on some audio books to do some work on myself. I have so much anger inside of me, from all the hurt, that I really need to learn how to deal with that. Otherwise I find it coming out when I least expect it to.
Short and to the point texts to my H yesterday just about simple things. Nothing else. So badly wanted to call him or talk to him, but I didn't.
I just sent him an email though and said we needed some boundaries. He can't be coming over here whenever he wants to do laundry or get things, so I told him when times I would be gone that he could come over.
I also told him that I understand about what he is going through with his self worth/love and that I was once there too and until he works through those issues, he will never be able to truly love anyone else. I suggested going to church counselor or someone to get these issues worked on, as I plan to do as well.
Now I just plan to focus on myself, moving forward, staying positive and hopefully pulling myself out of this crappy mood I have been in!
