Hi s4h...I think the hope of reconciliation ends when you decide you don't want her anymore. I think from reading most people's situations, there comes a point in their journey when they finally stand back and say "I am tired of my spouse being this way. I don't want to chase him/her any longer. I don't want to have to convince him/her to love me. I am done hoping. I just want to move on".
For each person, this point comes at a different time. For some people, this point comes when their spouse does something so maddening or painful that the LBS finally just doesn't even want them back, even if they willingly came back. For other people, the WAS just keeps drifting and drifting away, and finally the LBS just has to put themselves first and not put the marriage first.
I know your heart is broken and you still want your W back. But when you do finally give up hope, you will actually feel *better* not *worse*. I know that keeping hope alive is somehow a comfort, to know you still haven't abandoned her even if she has abandoned you. To know you have courage and committment, is a big deal. Its something to be proud of in yourself. To weather this storm and still hold out hope that things could change, shows a lot of compassion on your end, a very good trait.
But like I said above, when you do finally give up that hope, you will not be giving up the good qualities within you that make you have that hope. It seems scary to give up the hope because when hope is all you have, then you fear you will have nothing when you give it up.
In this circumstance though, it will eventually become necessary to give up hope so that you can move forward and not remain in limbo. And you might be surprised that when you do finally give it up, you will be relieved. A weight will be lifted off of you. You can breath again. You can stop being so down (although you will still be down, but not AS down). You can see the bright side again. You will begin to have hope for a different future, one that won't seem as gloomy as you had once feared.
You will get there, s4h. It takes time. I know its been a year in your case, but because of her deployment it is more like 4 - 6 months in reality. That isn't that long, really. It takes that long for most people to really come to grips with what is happening.
I hope you can find some comfort in any way you can. Do you have relatives or a close friend who could come visit you for a few days, or who you could go and stay with for a while? I do think you need to separate from her, quickly, and get through that stage so you can continue to move forward. What do you think?
I will pray for you, I know you are pretty down. Hey, I should send you to my cousin so she could do some shiatsu work on you. She has an integrated therapy plan for many types of issues, which would definitely be useful in a sitch like yours where depression can set in so easily. Let me know if you are interested.
You give very good advice. Thank you. I do know that I will feel better once I have completely detached. Really, as I've said before if it were just her and me this would have been done and decided long ago. I mainly have been fighting for the stability of my kids. The stability of keeping the only family they have ever known intact. I really don't want the marriage that I have had in the past few years, it was one of suspicion. However there was a marriage that we once had that was satisfying and happy. We could have it again IF we both wanted it. She just chooses not to now.
Today has been a less than happy day - it is our 14th Wedding Anniversary. No celebration this year, no cards this year, no nothing - just an empty sadness. I know this too shall pass, I just dread the journey.
The shiatsu sounds interesting. You'll have to tell me more.
Shiatsu technique refers to the use of fingers and palm of one's hand to apply pressure to particular sections on the surface of the body for the purpose of correcting the imbalances of the body, and for maintaining and promoting health. It is also a method contributing to the healing of specific illnesses.
Sounds kinda hokey, but it is like a form of energy that passes between the hands and the patient, and it is very complicated to try to figure out "how" it works...without a lot of study of eastern medicine. Similar to the idea of accupressure. As far as I'm concerned, it works because the energy passing between two bodies can be a healing agent...but obviously this is not a western medical idea at all and there is no way to prove it.
Her practice is integrated though, so she also does the usual type of massage, gives counseling, and works with the patient to make sure they are getting proper nutrition, exercise, and she teaches yoga in case a patient needs that. She is also a weight lifter and is military, so she has lots of experience with health and fitness. She is currently giving talks to the Walter Reed execs about offering shiatsu to Iraq veterans with PTSD.
If you want to know more, we'll figure out a way to get her info to you.
Yes W is still in contact with OM but mostly on a verbal basis and the internet. I do not believe there has been much in person contact between them, however I stopped snooping a long time ago. It took too much energy and emotion out of me and besides I had found out everything I needed to know.
I chose not to contact OM's W because evidently he has decided to stay with her and if they are attempting to work things out, then I didn't want to add to her troubles. Plus, contacting her would have not helped my situation at all, not that it is in good shape now anyways.
I still am in limbo but feel it really will not be that way much longer. We will see. Thanks for posting to my thread.
So yesterday I walked into the kitchen and my W was there leaning against the counter. She called me over, wrapped her arms around me and gave me a long passionate kiss. She then looked in my eyes and said "I'm sorry and I love you". Then I woke up and realized it had merely been a dream :(. Talk about being disappointed - it felt so real and I felt so relieved inside until I realized I was dreaming. Then nothing but sadness engulfed me.
In reality she remains emotionally distant to me. Which does not bother me as much as it used to. Not sure if that is because I am just used to it now or if it's because I am detaching from her as well. Probably a combination of both. It's certainly not the best of situations, however we do not argue or create stress for the kids and I figure at this point, every week that my girls have their entire family living together, without drama, is a good week for them - even if it's not for me.
Okay - two nights in a row I have now had these very vivid dreams of my W doing a 180 and coming back to the marriage. They are some of the most realistic dreams I have ever had. It's really driving me crazy!
So today is the one year anniversary of having the bomb dropped on me while vacationing with my W in Hawaii. In some ways I cannot believe it has already been 1 year and in other ways it seems like an eternity has passed by since then.
I continue to be stubborn and refuse to move out of the house since I am not the one who violated the marriage vows. I realize that I am being nice in not throwing her out, but I just can't do that to our girls (rightly or wrongly). However to anyone thinking about living together but separated like this, I don't really recommend it. In our situation, it has to a certain extent caused both of us to think less of each other. It is hard living with someone who you love but refuses to show any outward signs of caring, interest or affection towards you. The only good thing we are doing together is saving money like crazy so that when we do officially separate we will both have an adequate supply of cash to set up two separate households.
:(. Talk about being disappointed - it felt so real and I felt so relieved inside until I realized I was dreaming. Then nothing but sadness engulfed me.