Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help... I need to stop reacting!

I am just processing something and want to run past people here to see what you think...
I think I am actually getting to the place where I can say to my H that if he truly wants a D I won't stand in his way.... but, on two conditions:
1. he owns the decision - to our kids and everyone else. This is not my choice and not what I believe to be best for any of us. So, if that is what he wants, he needs to take responsibility.
2. he moves out and finds a way all by himself financially to make that work. If that is what he chooses, I don't think I can emotionally take him being here. He needs to give me a chance to heal.
Up until this point, I had huge resistance to this. It scared the crap out of me to think of saying that to him. I guess maybe the detaching process is working. Does this tend to be an effective strategy? Have others done this and how did it play out?
thoughts??....

Can see where your coming from Rocked but this cant be done as a bluff you really have to be ready to face this final decision!

I know you are right Rabbit.. that is partly why I posted this here... so I could look at the reality of it in words and ask myself this question. Of course my goal is still to save this marriage. I think I need to think on this a bit more....

Rocked:

I just want to tell you that as I write this, I have a completely emotionally detached H upstairs in our bedroom that has spoken about 4 words all day long. The anxiety, rejection and stess I'm feeling right now cannot even be given words. That being said, I've been in and out of this feeling since June so the feeling, I know, will pass and I will breath in and out until it does. I no longer fear this feeling that I have right now because I know it's human, I know I won't die and it's almost become a friend because after each episode of THIS feeling I ALWAYS feel stronger for it. It's as if the pain is creating a different me....if that makes any sense.

I am sooo close to doing what you just said you thing you can also do. I'm not there, but I think I'm close. Do I want to end my marriage and break my 4 y/o daughters family to pieces? NO!!! But, my husband keeps threatening a D and telling me he no longer loves me and is just staying until we get our finances in order so he can afford to move out. BTW..that might be another year or 2. I almost feel like I have to take control and open the "cage" for him so to speak. I know he will not be able to afford to leave and he will absolultely NOT use household money to leave with...so, I'm not sure where the convo would lead in the end but I feel that it would shift the balance somehow. Not in a manipulative way but literally in my own soul. No one on earth should be dealing with what I'm dealing with. Even the strongest self esteem would be shaken and mine is already shakey so you can only imagine the toll it's taken.

I guess all of this was to say that right now, right this minute someone feels just like you do and maybe knowing that will help a little. This board has been such a Godsend to me as Im sure it is to you!!

Good night and god bless you...

Gina B

Gina B,
Thanks so much for posting! It really is odd how it gives comfort to know you are not alone! The way you have described your feelings... it just how I feel so much of the time. I guess I hadn't thought that I get stronger each time. I guess I do, though. I've been dealing with this since April. Maybe that's why I might be a little closer to having that conversation. My H is in a separate bedroom now. Every time I think it is not possible for my heart to keep breaking, it does. Every time I think it is not possible to hurt worse, I do.

One of the main obstacles for my H to leaving is also financial. It is pretty tough on the self esteem to know that your H comes home at least partly because he can't afford to leave. I have had days of wondering if I will ever feel good about myself again. I know I will, but now it is so hard.

I hear what you are saying about it making the shift in your soul. I think that is a big part of why I am contemplating this move. I think my H thinks he can take for granted that I am his "plan B" and will always welcome him with open arms. I have made it clear that I choose this M and that I still love him with all my heart. But, I have also started setting some very important boundaries of how I will let myself be treated. And maybe that boundary also needs to include letting him go and find out for himself.... I don't know. I do know I need to find some self-respect when he doesn't respect me.

I think it would take him very much by surprise and might wake him up a bit. BUT... Rabbit is right... I would have to mean it and be prepared should he say, "fine that is what I will do."

Some days, I am so weary of being hurt and lonely and all the bs that goes with being a LBS that I do want him to go. Then, I look at our kids and I remember the man he used to be, and how much I still love him, my values about marriage and family that I want to continue to teach our kids, etc.

How do any of us ever sort all this out... somedays it is just too much.

Blessings to you too Gina... keep in touch!
Rocked

Rockedworld,

Hi. Just a thought I learned in my own sitch: I definitely understand the daily hurt, limbo status, and constant emotional roller coaster created by the WAS. It is a very very tough feeling that can cripple you for days on end. I've been riding my roller coaster for 16 months, so my thoughts are only based on my experience.

I learned that if you push for an answer, your emotions are overwhelming you, and you're pushing the WAS further away. I did exactly just that last year right after Christmas, asking my W to make her mind up and choose between reconciling or divorcing. Wrong move. We've only been separated for 6 months at that time...

Three weeks later I get D papers in the mail...Worst move I've ever made. Since then, I backed off completely and understood that I pushed too much and it backfired on me. She filed but never pursued the issue on paper. So the D was dismissed 6 months later. Since that time, I learned to just try to GAL, sound upbeat, and never bring up the R. My emotions always waltz back and forth, asking what next, why, if only, etc...But With the help of friends on this forum, I understood the crucial principle of taking care of oneself first, back away from R talks with WAS, and be patient and loving with the WAS and the kids.

If you push the issue, you have to be ready to take the WAS'answer, good or bad. So please think about it carefully before you make your decision. Don't let your emotions guide your decisions. Patience...

JR

Thank you JR. I think that is a very good point. We have only recently started MC and there are tiny signs of progress... even though they are baby steps... they are steps. I could very well ruin that if I push too soon, too hard.

I think I am coming to the conclusion that the fact that I am even considering this move is something shifting within me in terms of detachment. Maybe I should just allow that shift within myself and allow that to help me in my GALing and being stronger. I need to give this more time...

In the meantime...

Puppy, if you are still lurking around somewhere (lol) I have some questions I think you might be helpful with....

Like you say perhaps this is more to do with you rather than him!

I lived with H not sure if he wanted in or out for three months, unfortunately I had not found DB then and was in a mess myself! Unfortunately our MC was awful and sowed the seed of separation in H's mind and off he flew.

My only words of wisdom come from experience, that I wished I'd known about DB before he left, you have H at home still and however awful it is and believe me I know, its like living alone in a nightmare! You still have time on your side, use it wisely.

If MC is going well dont push, just keep waiting and DB'ing your heart out!

Yes??

Puppy

Thanks Rabbit.... I think that is what I need to do for now.

Puppy, thanks for stopping by again.
OK... so I know i still need to work on boundaries. The cell phone issue is one I am struggling with b/c it is used by H for his job, which is contract work, and we are completely dependent on that income. Without that phone, he can't do his work. However, I have let it get behind in payments.... a little passive-aggressive I know, but hopefully a message sent.

My other question has to do with finding out what is really going on. I see from your posts on other threads that you seem to be somewhat of an "expert" on finding out the truth when you are getting lied to by your WAS. You have been blunt with me that you think I am being lied to. H is maintaining the same story... there was an EA, briefly... they let boundaries "get fuzzy" but that they have both realized that is not right and are now in contact "mainly" about work. He adamantly has maintained no PA. They still work together. So, no contact is not possible. H is regularly out until 1 or 2 a.m. and claims to be out with guys from work and/or by himself taking time to "think through things".

I have no proof that H's story about this is or is not true. I know very little about OW.

My questions are: should I try to find out if I am being lied to? Or, do I just keep DBing and let that go for now until/unless some evidence does come forward?
And, if I should... how do I go about it? This type of behavior is soooo outside my nature and I don't have a clue how to go about anything like this.

The last thing I am asking for help with is, basically... that I know I need to grab a backbone here! lol I really do. But, I am scared s---less! I think I am finally getting emotionally strong enough to start moving in this direction, but again don't really know where to start.

Sorry Puppy, I know this is a lot... I really appreciate your help!
Thanks!
Rocked