Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help... I need to stop reacting!

Puppy, you have given me good food for thought. The internet access is used by the whole family. The phone is another issue...
Re: the pastor, I think I have decided to direct him to talk to my H directly, as I think that is who he is concerned about....
Torn, i hope you find help here... I know I have. When you feel so alone and overwhelmed, there are people who have been there and can understand like no one can.
C-Bart - thanks for those thoughts. That is a good reminder and very true. Knowing my H's personality that would be a big mistake and would shut down any further progress. I am thinking very carefully about how to word things.. being able to be firm and clear but not backing in a corner. Not easy!
H confirmed again today that he is coming. Had expected some last minute excuse, which I guess could still happen. We will see how tomorrow goes... wish me luck!

Hi Rocked, I agree with puppy, and I am absolutely pro-exposure as well. I would tell the pastor exactly what your H is doing.

If you have to be ashamed of something that you are doing then maybe you shouldnt be doing it! And its not your job to cover his butt when hes doing something like this, if someone directly asks, you wouldnt want to lie, now would you?

In the counselling sessions I would be careful to keep up at least some of your wall, just make sure that you dont seem desperate and arent pressuring him, and be prepared for a little pull back from him, Im not saying that it will definately happen, but it might, so just be ready.

Good luck tomorrow!

Thanks Bluerain.
I have nothing to be ashamed of in what I am doing. I am struggling with not protecting him, but still protecting me and the kids...
Thanks for your thoughts about the sessions. It sure is a delicate balance to maintain! And, I think you are right about the pull back. I should prepare myself for that. That happened after our first session, and we had this really great conversation after the session. I wasn't prepared for it that time, and it blindsided me then. This time, I need to prepare myself and not let it throw me off. I have noticed that as a consistent pattern... every time there is any positive movement that could be good for the M, he pulls back.

He probably scares himself. Just think about how much shame he might have to face if he comes back to your M whole-heartedly and breaks it off with the OW. Maybe he has realisations that hes made a terrible mistake, that could freak him out too. I know that that was one of the things that kept my H from entertaining the idea of reconciling.

And I wasnt referring to you being ashamed- just him, I guess I should have said that if HES doing something he has to be ashamed of...!

Hi Rocked just catching up with things and saying Hi, pull back is pretty common after getting some quality moments! My H isnt having an A but behaves in pretty much the same way, he comes up to see me we have a nice time then he pulls back, although atm he seems to have me in a right pickle on what to do, he wants contact and attention but doesnt want to make the effort to drive the two hours to see me, his choice to move so far away!

Thanks Bluerain and Rabbit for some confirmation that this behavior is common... that helps a lot! Because, as I'm sure you have experienced, this "alien" that used to be your H just isn't who he used to be and it is so hard to accept!
This a.m. we had coffee together before work, which was initiated by H rather than his usual tendency to rush off and avoid too much conversation with me. He lingered, chatted, was friendly, etc. More than likely the pull back will come after the session later today. I will try to just accept it for what it is and not take it personally.
Bluerain... that is a helpful perspective about why that might be happening. thanks so much!
Rabbit... hope you are hanging in there... will need to stop by your thread again and see how you are doing.

Maybe we can help you with your "food":

What do you think are the potential UPSIDES if you make him pay 100% for his own cellphone?

What do you anticipate would be the potential DOWNSIDES?

Puppy

I can't go there right now Puppy. I am processing yesterday's MC session, which was intense.... productive in some ways, difficult in others. My head is spinning with it all and it is all I can handle right now. I'm going to have to find some strength within me today to detach... or something....

Journaling,
I am trying to figure out why I am so emotional today... just can't stop the tears. Fortunately have the house to myself. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that the old M is gone, and I am grieving that. Because there was so much good. H admits it was a good M. I am just so sad. I know that if there is hope for us it will be a new M. I know that can be better than anything we've had before. But I still have to grieve. And, I am just finding it so hard today.
I have to give myself space to do this so that by the time the family comes home later in the day I can be more detached and GALing.
Just can't handle any challenges today... know I need to go there.... and I will. Today I could just use some encouragement that things can get better. You know it's just one of those days you wish there was someone to put their arms around you and tell you it's going to be ok, YOU are going to be ok. I don't know how much more loneliness I can take.

Things can get better. have there been any encouraging signs? Change in affection from your H? Hopeful comments? (I'm not sure about the "H admits it was a good M"; was that a mournful comment or a "maybe we can work things out"-type comment?)

And yeah, I can use those comforting hugs as well from time to time. Sending you a long-distance one now...