Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Old "newbie" needs help FAST!!! Please respond!!

Well Gina B, at least there is some physical contact. A hope, something. Hopefully the rest of the week got a bit better. Unfortunately, my has taken a downward slide into the abyss....Lets see: She has started an argument at least three nights this week. I have tried to calm her down most nights. She accused me of so many things again this week, it was sickening. I walked her downstairs to show her that she drank 4 1/2 bottles of wine this week at home, plus a couple beers. I said you get happy for an hour then something sets you off, you yell, the kids cry, defend me for you yelling at me. Same pattern three nights. I just told her to stop you are killing these kids.

Then tonight as she is getting ready to go out, I see her with matching "sexy" underwear. I make a comment of at least you match...Anyway, I walk downstairs, I look at her phone that she rarely leaves out. I see: I hate him to one of her guy friends, to which he replies: kick him out. Then the other guy is talking to her about a "booty call". I lost it again Gina. I am tired of being made a fool. She tried to tell me it was a joke--i don't care anymore. I do care--just hate being made a fool of Gina. She has said, done so many hurtful things I don't know how she can live with herself. To say to another guy, I hate him. Through all this, I never said I hate her to anyone. I just said i hope the emotional cost to me and our family is worth it. I won't let her bring me down Gina. She has betrayed my faith in her spirit, her soul. I just never thought anyone could do this to another human being. I am hurting tonight Gina and it sucks. She did bring me down. She did make me sad. I couldn't be happy with my sons tongight. She took that away from me.

Again, it ended with us both saying this is finished. Her and I texting back and forth defending our positions. I hate this part of my life Gina. I hate it. Why, How can someone do this to a family. Not want to fight for it. I felt good today and it is ending horribly.

I just want this to be over. I want to move on. The problem is it will be years before I can find someone again. I can't put the kids through me dating finding a new wife. That would be too much for them. I so long for someone to care about me. Love me.

I am rambling...thanks for listening.

Danny:

Giving you big HUGS right off the bat!!! You posted at midnight and I know JUST by your rambling how you felt. I cannot tell you how many nights I’ve been up, at midnight, on Facebook instant messaging with my mom or someone sounding JUST like you do right now. We found each other on here for a reason and I hope that what I’m about to say helps you in some way because you’ve given me such support and care.

Oldtimer, who posts on here, has given me some “in your face” advice lately and I’ve been throwing myself into MYSELF the last two weeks. I’ve really been challenged these last two weeks and without this board and my support system at home and on line, I would’ve just been a ball on the floor. I am going to say to you that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. He doesn’t see it that way at all but I know and have learned enough to know when a duck is a duck. He has some very deep rooted issues that I just want to go away and the fog to lift so he can see what’s what but that’s not going to happen in the way that I want it to. I am completely powerless over his actions. I found a great thread on detachment in the newcomers area on like the third or forth page. (look at my recent posts and you’ll find LOTS of great info there. Written mostly by guys going through the same thing as you. Puppydog Tails wrote this about detachment:

I had to realize (and it took a month to six weeks) that I CANNOT CONTROL MY SPOUSE. Then I also realized one day that I DIDN'T WANT TO. She is an adult, and she will do what she will do, and all I can do is establish my own boundaries, learn to enforce them, and become the best Puppy that I can be.I also learned to -- in every situation -- STOP acting from a position of: "If I do (or say) this, how will she react? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?" ... and instead, operate from a standpoint of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that GOD HIMSELF would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"
Once I learned to do that, and learned to withstand my wife's blowback and anger ... and still stand ... it was very, VERY liberating. So what I did was work on me. I treated her civilly -- like a co-worker, or a roommate. I was considerate, and polite, and friend-LY, but I was NOT her friend, much less her BEST friend (which we had always been). I lived my life, and I let her know what I would and would not tolerate (like no texting OM in front of me or our kids, for instance). And I moved on down the path.

Danny, our spouses are in a place of darkness. They can’t see what they are doing at all. Your wife can’t see how inappropriate it is to get smashed at night and go our a lot and watch her children miss her and cry. My husband is involved with Victoria to a point but I believe the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. What he is doing is not loving. He has been outside I the cold with a fire burning for HOURS. He came in, ate the dinner I made and went back outside to talk on the phone with God knows who and I was left inside to put her to bed while she asked why Daddy didn’t kiss her goodnight. Our spouses are lost right now. They are trying to figure out who they are and what they want. Without proper psychological help, I fear they never will.

So, where does that leave us????? Well my dear boy it leaves us to find a way to detach from these hurtful actions. It’s made harder by the fact that they are still in the home. However, it CAN be done because I’ve seen it done. I am doing my best to live as though he is already gone or almost like he IS my roommate. It’s really, really hard but I’m trying for the past few days to just let him be and not expect anything from him. If I do, I will be disappointed every time. It’s like expecting a man with no legs to get up and walk. It’s just NOT going to happen so why do I constantly expect a very confused person to make rational, sane, responsible choices. He just simply can’t right now. So, I’m going to say something harsh to you but it is with so much love and tenderness in my heart to please try to hear it the way it’s intended……you said “She did bring me down. She did make me sad. I couldn't be happy with my sons tonight. She took that away from me.” I made a statement like this in therapy the other day and my therapist said…”That’s not true. He didn’t make you feel any way. You CHOSE to feel that way”. See Danny, they may act a certain way but as we learn to detach we have to realize it’s our responsibility to feel the way we feel. I’m not saying that your feelings weren’t justified but you need to own the feelings.

Let me try and explain this another way. My husband has been so removed and void of any emotion towards me (other than sex…which is something that I’m thinking of not allowing anymore due to it’s emotional toll) that it’s almost leaving me curled up in a ball. I have chosen the past few days to not curl up in a ball and put one foot in front of the other and GAL and put on a happy face in front of him and all these things that are taking soooo much effort. I needed a bit of help to deal with this so I turned to my drug of choice…a Big Mac, large fries and Oreo cookies. Now, you know how hard I’ve been working on the weight loss so this was a BIG no-no. BUT, instead of saying, “See, he drove me to fall off the wagon”, I said “I am making a conscious choice to medicate. I know it’s not good but I own it.” Yes, he was acting horribly towards me but I had a choice to eat that Big Mac or not. And, for some reason the minute I start to own that choice, I become stronger. I realize that the more I am my H’s victim, the more he owns my power. I cannot give him that.

I believe my H might be engaged back into his affair and I’m dying to ask him. Not sure if it’s proper “DB” procedure and I think I’m going to do my best not to. I guess it’s because I feel that if I definitively knew….it would push me over the edge to make him leave and end this. Maybe I just want an excuse….cuz this is really, really hard. I always said I wouldn’t be the one to break my kids heart though…and I won’t.

Danny, I know you are in pain and I’m soo, sooo sorry. I wish we weren’t walking this walk and I pray that we don’t have too many more nights like you had last night. Just do your best to stay true to who you are, keep getting support, love those kids and try to detach from her. Stay strong for them and use them as your true North. We can do this…we can. We are good people who want the best for our kids. A person who posted to me on my ADHD forum said to me about my daughter “There are lots of reasons to stay in a decent marriage, but kid manipulation isn't one of them. She needs stability and attention to thrive. That may, or may not, come in a neatly wrapped "happily ever after" package of mom, dad and her.” It was hard to hear but very, very true. Maybe this environment isn’t whats best for her and staying with my H for her sake may be doing more harm than good. I don’t know.

Danny, I pray that tonight is better for you and you sleep in peace and wake in peace. We deserve to be peaceful, whole and sane….

Nite Danny….God’s speed.

Gina B

Hey you
How are you?

Hey Gina:

I had to take my son on a boyscout campout saturday night in 28 degree weather. I actually read your reply saturday night. It helped. It helps to know that you are not the only one in the world going through this. Friday night, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and you just want it all to go away. But you are right, for our kids and sanity we have to put one foot in front of the other and move on. After events like Friday, it takes me a little while to recover and act happy again.

I am still in responding with one word mode. I just don't know if she is cheating are not. I tell myself it doesn't matter, buy you know the truth, it does. I feel like she is going to be the one to make me file for divorce. It always seems like I am the one having the hard time with everything.

I always try to put little tests out to see how serious she is. We have an appointment this week with a therapist to talk to him about how to tell the kids. Before I made the appointment, I asked if she wanted to still make the appointment, the answer was yes.

I thought I was at that point like in your note from puppydog Tails--at least I was for a week. Then when she goes out looking like she does with her "matching underwear" and her Cougar outfit, it all just hits me again. I don't recall her wearing anything that matches that much in our marriage. Then when I read the texts to the other guy...It just shakes you to the core. I guess it is that feeling of ownership that you still have. That is my wife and all her attention is going to other guys, whether there is something physical or not. The emotion piece is there and my wife nor your husband will never understand how that hurts.

The question for both of us Gina is what's next? How much longer do we go on like this? 1 month, 3 months, 6 months? How much more of this emotional abandonment can we take before we just say enough..I know they are lost. My W even said she does get physically sick about what is happening. I was glad to hear that there is at least some guilt. I will tell you after friday, I am starting to lose faith in her soul..

You are right, our emotions are a choice. I am letting her win again. I am letting her get to me. I just miss that closeness with someone. It has been 6 months. You just start to crave it. Your mind starts to wonder what it is going to be like when you are separated and she is with someone else. I would imagine people have gone much longer with no kids to make up that love and closesness that is missing.


Keep up the work on the weight. I can only imagine how hard it is to be working on that while your world around you is falling apart. Hey I love the big mac too. One of my favorites as well...

You definitely sound more confident about what is happening at home. Almost like you are an outsider looking in through the window and able to objectively understand what is going on. I am glad we found each other gina. Much easier to talk with someone going through this at the same stage as me....

Take care and talk to you soon.

Hey Gina,

Another great day in my life...We went to go see a therapist about how divorce will affect our sons. Half way through it ended up turning into a marital session. One of the key components to our kids handling divorce is the ability for the parents to get along. Well the session ended with Joanne getting upset because I was controlling, I was acting like her father, etc...because I get mad when she goes out.

Lets see:

-Wife says I don't love you. I don't want to be married to you anymore

-Wife takes off wedding ring. Dresses like she is 25.

-Always drinks 3 glasses of wine before she goes out.

-Comes home at 3am. Speaks to and sees exboyfriend on occasion that I despise.

Because I typically do get angry the next day. I am still being controlling. Or the compromise(she called it acting like her father) was her not drinking before she is going out. Or not staying out till 3am.

So she actually said before the session started, she was thinking of reconciling. She had just told me in the moring she stop loving me 10 years ago and wasn't going to stay in a loveless marriage. Which she has said monthly since this started.

-But I am supposed to be her friend, because she can be mine. She said for the kids she would always act friendly if our roles were switched right now.

I had to say, don't ever try to put yourself in my shoes. You don't understand my feelings, I don't understand yours. You don't get that it isn't about being controlling. It is about detaching from you. Detaching from the life we used to share. It is you going out with your friends, me going out with mine--their is no longer a "WE." The loss of a marriage, the loss of a friend, the loss of a way of life. The loss of a solid family for our sons. She can't understand that is where my emotions come from. That is why I am always distant toward her. I tried the acting happy and friendly route. It went no where...I am tired of acting like something I'm not. It just was a pretend family. For the most part, I do act happy when I am around the kids. I just have a hard time being friendly with her with through all this. I do have a hard time when she is out. It is a natural feeling for a person to feel this way. Am I just to say how was your night? It is ok, you can sleep, I am sure you are tired from your late night? Sorry, that isn't going to happen.

How was your week Gina?

Thanks as always for listening.

Danny.

Danny:

I'm going to write more later but just wanted to check in. My week has been interesting to say the least as far as the relationship goes. As far as I go...I'm sick as a dog...sick, sick, sick. Coughing like a trucker w/ a 3 pack a day habit and feel a bit like I got run over by the trucker. LOL. Daughter is in the same boat and I've actually stayed home the past two days with her and worked from here. We've just been miserable.

I just took my nightly dose of "knock me out so I don't cough up a lung in my sleep" medicine. I am already getting loopy and only took it 10 min ago. Just wanted to tell you I've beent thinking about you cuz I knew you were going to have that session. I am just so suprised that divorce papers haven't even been filed by her yet and she wants to tell the kids. Why even tell the kids if the ball isn't really rolling yet. I know that they are keenly aware of what's going on..but...I don't know. What if there is still a chance that you two can work this out. It's not over till it's over and even though she says it's over, she hasn't filed yet...very odd.

Anyway, I have so much to say to you and I can't hardly get a coherant sentance typed. Just wanted you to know that I'm here for you and I'm praying for you.

Write more tomorrow....try to stay calm and do your best to get to a peaceful place. Put some music on Youtube and put ear phones on...lean back in your chair and just float. It does wonders for ya. Try a song called "City Lights" by Sara Barallies ..her live version from the Filmore. LOL. BTW..never told you but I'm a music freak...I mean it's my complete salvation. Try, it..Youtube.com...you'll be in a different mindset in hours. Just get lost in some music!!

BIGGEST HUGS to you my buddy!!!

Gina B

Hey Gina,

Sorry to hear you are so sick. I am a huge music person too. Have over 40 gigs of music on my ipod. It has definitely been my savior and escape thru all of this. I have everything from the 60's through 2009. I have been typically the rock n' roll guy and top 40. However, a year ago I actually started to like country as well. Never thought that would happen... I will check it out on you tube. While you are there on you tube, type in divorce affects children, a video by sarah mclachlan will come up for the song angel. If that doesn't hit someone in the heart, I don't know what will.

You will enjoy this one. she asks me tonight if I will be her a house, she will pay me back when our house sells. I about fell off my chair at work. I said what happens if our house doesn't sell and we are stuck with two mortgages? I said you can do what you want when we divorce, right now, I am not taking chances in buying a $250k house. I feel like she is this 18 year old girl who still doesn't understand life.

Anyway, it is late here too. Have some football games tomorrow. Wife is out as usual. Was a nice night with the boys playing games.

Take care and hope you feel better soon. I am a big fan of Nyquil...

Danny

Hi Danny:

Well, I’m back to work as of yesterday and digging out from all the emails and such. I’m still coughing my head off but I do feel a bit better. Hycodan is a Godsend.

Ok, I have so much to say to you and to tell you that I’m not sure where to start so…I will just start with this:
I do have a hard time when she is out. It is a natural feeling for a person to feel this way. Am I just to say how was your night? It is ok, you can sleep, I am sure you are tired from your late night? Sorry, that isn't going to happen.

Of course it’s natural for you to have a difficult time when she is out. She is your wife, she is doing God knows what with God knows whom and you have every right to feel the way you feel. It is natural to feel sad, hurt and even depressed. This is where I have found the detachment piece comes in. I have found that true loving detachment is an art. It’s an art that I have nowhere near perfected but I’m starting, slowly, to get better at it. I do my best, when he is not with me, to try to keep myself busy and focus on me. I even, on occasion, have gotten a babysitter so that I can go out too. I am usually left to care for our daughter when he is away from the house (either in his shed, bowling, etc). This used to sort of tie my hands in terms of my ability to GAL. I was only able to do things in the home. Now, I have my CoDA meeting once per week and I try and get out one other night if possible. I do my best NOT to dwell on the fact that I’m alone and missing him and dwelling on the breakdown of the marriage. Instead, I try to feel comfortable with the aloneness and use that time with my daughter and deepening the bond between us. I work out, I write to friends, I post here, I immerse myself in self-growth. Then, when he comes back, I don’t unleash that anger because I don’t look at him being gone as a personal affront…I look at him being gone as “his loss”. I got the gift of putting my daughter in a bathtub and playing with her and tucking her in. I got the gift of a new pedicure or facial or some selfimproving tidbit that I learned. HE is the one that loses just as your wife loses. We have to stop looking at this as OUR loss. NOW, the biggest issue is that the real LOSERS in this whole thing is our children. Can we get our spouses to see that? NO!!! We can’t. And making them feel shame is only deepening the parent/child relationship that they have come to resent so much. They hate the relationship because they actually hate themselves and their own neediness. Look at your wife for God sake…She had the gall to ask you to buy her a house. My LORD….do you see how sad and pathetic that thought process is? It’s just so sad to me that my husband “asks” me if he can spend $40 on something. The reason he asks is because he had NO CLUE what’s in our account or how many bills still need to be paid or anything like that. He doesn’t want to know anything about it and isn’t good with numbers or money….so…I keep track of all of that stuff. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am doing my best to look at my husband with compassion instead of contempt and also realizing that, just as he is imperfect…..so am I. I do not understand what my husband is doing right now and I pray he wakes up….I mean it…I pray for him every night.

You mention that I seem more in control and as I type this I realize that I am. I still have my days because unlike you, I’m on a rollercoaster ride with my hubby. He’s emotionally present and then withdraws without warning. Although I am thankful that there is a part of him that is still engaging at times, I find myself wishing that things were either one way or the other. BUT, then I realize that I don’t have to go on the rollercoaster ride with him. I can choose to be happy, fulfilled and peaceful despite how he is treating me. When I tie my emotional state to how he is treating me, I am in my co-dependance full bore. It is when I stay on my own path despite what he may or may not be giving me….that’s when I practice my recovery.

On Sunday the 17th, I taped a Karaoke audition video for Oprah’s Karaoke Challenge. He said he would help me and did and also went way above and beyond what he had to do and worked hard to make me sound my best despite my horrible cough and cold. It was a moment that brought us together and when I sing he is visibly proud of me. We ended up being intimate that night and Monday night and Tuesday night. Then, on Wednesday…it was all over. He became very removed, and spent Wednesday night to this past Sunday night in his shed working on a project. He did come grocery shopping with daughter and I on Saturday but didn’t go apple/pumpkin picking this Sunday. I had a little bit of a sad day on Sunday but it was more because my daughter really missed him at first and it made me angry that he would do this to her. I looked around at all the couples and all the dad’s holding their kids. My daughter got a blister on her foot and needed to be carried off the apple hill so, I put her on my shoulders and walked a mile to the car with her that way while carrying a pumpkin and 2 bags of apples. She was so excited. She said “Wait until Daddy hears that you did this. He’s going to be so proud of you that you walked so far with me on your shoulders.” You see, Ron is the carrier of the child, bringer in of the groceries, slayer of the dragons, lifter of the heavy...and I am..well...um...NOT. I said to her that I will always keep her safe and she never has to worry when I am around. She has this big sense, as I did as a child, that the men are the protectors/heros and women are the kissy, nurturers. I need to teach her that momma can do what needs to be done. I can mow the lawn, cut down a tree (which I can), kill a spider and clean out the gutters. I’m also very good at banishing monsters from under her bed. :-) She did tell me later that I had to have daddy teach me how to start her go-kart. She was very happy that I told her that I would and she said she wants to be there to watch.

I know I’m rambling but I just wanted to say that even though we don't realize it...WE ARE IN CONTROL. I am in staying in this marriage until it’s time not to. If he wants a divorce, I can’t control that. I can only control my side of the road and I am going to be the best mom, wife, friend, partner I can be in the process. Right now I HAVE to be ok with being his friend and that’s taking strength that I didn’t even know that I had. You have it too. Love her Danny….love her in spite of all that she’s doing. She is still your wife and the mother of your children. You can love her and still not be emotionally tied to her apron strings. You can love her and still detach from the hurtful things she does. Love her as you would a friend that is not well and in crisis. She is in crisis Danny and trying to find her way. I’m not saying that you have to hang in there and be the martar. I’m just saying that loving her to the best of your ability, still protecting your own self, is the best gift you will ever give your sons…EVER. Think of the men you want them to be when they grow up...and be THAT man. Jewel has lyrics of a song that goes "I want to be the woman I want my daughter to be". Yup...that's ME!!! Part of this is also holding her accountable for her actions. If she stays out late and can’t get up to take care of the boys and leaves this all to you….call her on it. Not in a belittling way but tell her that although you understand she had a late night, it’s only fair, as long as you both live in the house, that you share the care of the children. Leaving you to get up every weekend day to get them b-fast, etc is completely unacceptable.

I saw this quote on a terrific website that I go to often to maintain my resolve to work at this marriage even in the darkest times:

“I'm not advocating for loveless marriages. But it's also the case that marriage
doesn't make us happy every day. No marriage does, but your marriage serves
as so much more than just a vehicle for immediate individual adult needs. It makes
one world for your child, and children will tell you that means everything to them.”
Elizabeth Marquardt, Between Two Worlds

I know she won’t understand for a while but she will know someday that I did everything I could to save our family because I knew it meant the world to her….and that meant the world to me.

Hugs to you Danny-boy!!! Keep the faith and love on those boys. They will get you through this. Let me know how you’re doing.

Gina B

Hey Gina: Thought you might enjoy the latest letter exchange between my wife and I...This all started when she was gone all sunday and sunday night. She says that she is going to realestate class sunday nights from 6-10pm. She doesn't come home till midnight. I did call the realestate place and they don't offer classes on sunday. My wife told me that she takes the classes at another realestate office..So naturally, the mind wanders to bad places and I had to say something to her about it..The friday before, she came home at 4:30 in the morning. I did lie a little. I did really say something to her because I am wondering what she is doing till midnight on a sunday when her class ended two hours earlier..Contrary to what her letter sounds like, i am not watching her like a hawk.

Her letter to me:

I know you are going out friday night to a party I am going to get a sitter for the boys because Phyllis is having a halloween party that I want to go to but if i cannot get a sitter I will not go. Sunday Is Michelle's birthday and I want to go to her party. I hope you don't have a problem with it but if you do let me know.



Next week and weekend is your birthday weekend. I am not sure what day but kathi is having a party for Elisa's birthday It is going to be a late night so I am going to sleep at Kathi's so I don't upset you.


I just want to communicate all this to you ahead of time so you don't get upset and you know exactly where I will be at all times. Because of course I have a curfew and you are watching me apparently like big brother in the sky.


I know you don't trust me and I don't even care anymore. I am trying my best to move on with my career and to study on sunday nights for you to ask me all these questions really bothers me I am so sick and tired of it. I am going to tell you everything and evertime I speak to a guy I will let you know and if I start to date I will know because for some reason you have an obsession as to find out if I am doing something. It doesn't matter you can spend all the money you want on great lawyers you wont get anymore then you are entitled to I know my rights and I know your rights. I am not stupid. I am not looking to screw you or upset the children anymore than I have to you can come and put the kids to bed everynight if you want. I don't care I will be there for my kids like I have been for the past 12 years. 6 months doesn't make you a better parent. Do you know when you were studing for your masters how much you were gone and you were never around. I hate that you will not let me move on with my life without giving me a guilt trip. Do you know I realized something this morning when I woke up. That I am so depressed. I am not depressed about the divorce I am depressed about the distrust and the attitude you are giving me because I want to move on with my life. I am more depressed now then I have ever been in our marriage.



You know I was listening to a speaker last night and she said about what she has done with her life and what she has invested in and do you know I am leaving this marriage with nothing to my name. And I left and cried in the bathroom. Don't get me wrong I am happy that I have created and raised our 3 boys and I have that to show for my life. But I am almost 40 and nothing to show for my self. I have accomplished nothing in my life other than raise 3 boys. I know you think that should have been enough but it isn't for me what do or will I do when they are gone and making a life for themselves. I will have nothing I cannot let that happen to myself. I feel stupid that I cannot even afford to live on my own and I need my parents to help me. I should have never let that happen. Don't respond to this you can try to find out anything about what I am doing but you will find that you are just making a fool of yourself.

My Response:

The reason I asked: The kids asked me last night if Sundays are going to be like this always which is why I asked. I didn’t want to make you feel guilty.



-It is called, “the letting go and detaching” It takes time for this to happen. You are not in my shoes. I am not in yours. Yes there is distrust on my side. I DID NOT create that—you did. You will never know what an emotional affair does to someone—if you read up on it, you will find that it is the same as a physical affair. Considering how some people have handled themselves who have been through this that I spoke to, I do know I am handling it quite well whether you think I am or not.



-Six months ago, I had a wife that I loved and thought she loved me. She is gone now. Because I loved you, it is natural to be deeply hurt that your wife is going out to bars without him while living in the same house. My wife is talking to, seeing and confiding in two of her exboyfriends. One of them I despise. I really don’t get why you can’t understand that is a normal feeling…Ask anyone—that would make any normal person who loved their wife or husband jealous and distrustful. Because you didn’t love me, you have no problem telling me to go find someone else.



-Someone said to me last week, Joanne has pretty much said she doesn’t love you weekly for the last 24 weeks in a row. She says that she hasn’t loved you for 10 years. Why are you hanging on? I didn’t have a good answer other than I didn’t want to lose 50% of my time with our sons. The boys and I had such a good time last night. It is those moments that you and I will both loose when we are not with them. So , I kept thinking there would be this moment that you would say, “I want to try” I understand that will not happen now.



-I never said I was a better parent, never.



-Raising a family is enough for some mothers. It obviously isn’t enough for you. You know what, I completely understand and don’t blame you. We could have talked about this years ago that you need to have your sense of mission fulfilled. That you needed this in your life. You chose to hide away all your feelings, desires and not share. You know deep down I would have supported you. Think what you want, I would have. If you don’t think I would have been there for you, then you never really knew me at all.



-You don’t understand what I think about your “moving on with your life” means. I can’t stop you or “control” you. You make your own decisions and choices. The sooner you figure out that I am not your father or this controlling person the better. You have always been the one in control of yourself. Someday you will understand that. We can only control ourselves. This isn’t about your feelings anymore nor mine Joanne. We have a responsibility to our sons.



--You called me controlling last week. Not wanting you to drink and drive is not controlling or not wanting you to stay out till 3am is not controlling—it is human. Bars close at 2am. So it is human to worry about the mother of your children.



-I am sorry you are depressed. That isn’t healthy for you or the boys. I hope you do make that appointment to get help not for us, but for you.



-Here are the mediators, I am ready when you are. Just make the appointment and I will be there.



The Association for Conflict Resolution www.acrnet.org , www.divorcenet.com, and http://divorcemediation.us/states/illinois.htm.


I am truly sorry that it has come to this.


Danny.


Well that is the latest...I like your line about loving her for the boys. That may be the only way I can still tolerate living in the same house with her. I can only imagine how hard it is on you at home trying to adhere to this. You keep getting pulled back in emotionally then tossed aside again. Has to be a rollercoaster for you daily. I haven't been able to get any emotion whatsoever...So maybe it is easier for me to practice everyday. The last couple days have been OK. I would imagine that is because I woke up and decided they were going to be OK.

I liked your story about what happened on Sunday regarding you carrying her on your shoulderrs. It is amazing how kids pick up on the littlest things of her wanting to tell her dad what you did. That is what hurts the most I guess. Is that their innocence is going to be lost. They are going to have to grow up so fast because of divorce. To your point, the real losers in this whole thing is the kids. You can tell by my wife's letter, this is about her. No one else.

You have to tell me if you get picked for Oprah...

Hi Gina,

I haven't posted to you in a while. How is everything? Hope you're doing better with your cold.

-LFH