Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W wants to separate

Thanks for the replies all. Thanks for the list Sandi. That is pretty comprehensive. I'm just going to update based on yesterday like I see alot of people doing. I read most of the book on the train and I have ordered the "Light Her Fire" book as well. I have three other that came in yesterday too that all are marriage and passion related that I can get through on my train rides pretty quickly I think. Just a little bit left to go on DR. It did seem to give me a sense of calm and put me in a better mood after I had read it for awhile. It also left me torn about how to act, but the big thing I have in my mind right now is just not to pursue and to be nice and not mope. Those alone seem to keep her in a good mood. I'm not bringing up discussing anything. Just small talk and daughter.

So, last night on my way home I give the polite call and say I'm thinking about grabbing some food and if she was hungry at all. Careful to phrase it in a way that I'm just being nice and thinking about her but not going out of my way. Then she tells me that she has cooked us dinner and it is ready. Then she talked about D2 for awhile and I listened and then said I'd see her in a bit.

So I get home and change then play with my daughter who is too damn cute. I finally sit and eat and it was just sitting in front of the TV the three of us and it was pleasant chit chat. Then we sort of start doing our own things. She did ask if I had a call back on any of the places I was looking at. Obviously, that sucked but I stayed positive and said yes, but I need to keep looking. So, I looked online a little bit and she sat in the room with me for awhile and mentioned that she had a client that might have a place, but that was about it. I stopped engaging, so then she left to go fold clothes in the guest room I'm sleeping in. After awhile of looking online, I remembered that I needed to cancel our hotel this weekend because it is our anniversary in 2 days and we were going to go away. That was also hitting home, but I was positive and told her that it was done.

Then, I said that I wanted to lay down and read so she left the guest room. I had also cleaned the dishes from the dinner she made which she noticed before she went to bed and thanked me for this AM before I went to work. She was asking me about my workout this morning as well and I just kept it nice and short but polite. I gave my daughter a kiss and said goodbye.

So, pleasant so far. I didn't linger and just took off. Then, she called while I was driving an hour later and told me she brought back a couple of movies. I just said thanks, it's no big deal if they're late, I don't care about a few bucks but thanks for bringing them back (really not a reason to call me at all). Then I got the vibe she wanted to talk more but she didn't know what to say or something to keep the conversation going, but I shut it down and just said to have a great day and that I'd see her tonight even though I was happy she called and wouldn't have minded talking to her more. I just know that there is a higher probability that I say something that makes her pullback then come closer the longer the conversation goes at this point in the game so it's better for me to keep it conservative.

Our anniverary is in two days. It's a tough sitch I think. I got her something that she needs that isn't expensive and not romantic, but thoughtful. I might do a simple flowers and cards because I think it's the right thing to do, but I'm keeping it light and vanilla. Nothing to make her feel guilty, just appreciated.

See what happens today. We are both working all day so I'll see her around 8:30 or so for about 1 1/2 hrs before I retire to the guest room.

I'm thinking I should not push my luck in the guest room and just get on top of finding a place quickly and getting out of there, but it feels like I'm rushing the end of us ever being together if I do that and it is not something I feel compelled to rush. I think if I stay too long though she'll just get annoyed that I didn't go and respect her wishes. That's when it's going to be tough and I won't see or talk to her anywhere near as much.....anyway. Til the next update.

Next update. I decided to swing by my buddies place I've never seen yet last night and hang out for awhile. We had a couple glasses of wine, some food and just hung out for awhile. I didn't call to let W know, which I probably should have. I didn't stay too long and got home a little past 9:00. W was mad I didn't call and snapped at me saying she was worried because you can usually set a watch by my actions (prob part of the issue). I didn't handle it well and said something along the lines that I thought we were separating, I didn't know I need to call you still, but apparantly I do. D was in bed at this point.

Afterwards she was heated and snapping at me for something else and I left the room got my clothes back on and as I was leaving she said she was sorry she snapped and I told her that she should be and that I don't deserve to be treated like that. I left for 20 minutes and came back and went to bed without talking to her again.

This morning after my workout, I came home and couldn't abide by the DB ways. I think I get torn between detachment and turning spiteful. But, it all just felt so stupid. I feel like I was trying to play mind games in the dating scene again or something. I mention that I'm probably just going to move in with these two guys I know for a month because it's cheap and no commitment after she asked again last night if I had any luck. I said I'll look another day but if nothing comes up, I'll go with them to get out of her hair. Then I mention I'm talking with an IC today. She said if I wanted she would call around some MCs today. I (probably stupidly) said, are you sure your ready for that. She was a little put off, but I said I was serious and she said that the sooner the better so all hope doesn't vanish basically. We talked a little around the subject. She said she was sorry she snapped, that she is still really angry and frustrated that it has taken this for me to initiate any change. It really hurts her and it seems like it took an inconvenience to my life to realize it. I said I understood and don't blame her and that we both deserve to just be treated better than snapping at each other like that. She teared up, I wanted to hug her sooo bad but resisted (probably the only thing I did right). She commented on D and how wonderful she was regardless of what happens to us. I think alot of the emotion was more towards the guilt of the effect on D and not us and I want to be realistic about that. I need to just try to be a better person an try to win her over a little. I read another thread on detaching that put another perspective on it for me. I can still do nice things, but I just can't pursue like crazy I think. I need to strike a balance. Part of the reason I'm in this mess is because I'm not thoughtful and selfish. I think pulling back would only reinforce that notion...

Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary. We both work late. I'm still sending flowers to her work. It would just be the wrong thing not too. I'll probably make a little something too, which I don't usually do. I can get into this cold mode where I turn spiteful and my wife doesn't deserve that. Regardless of how things are going now, it is still our 5 year anniversary.

I'm torn on the situation of me moving out and her agreeing to the MC. She said she wants to see what it's like without me. I understand in my head, but my heart just say, no no no, she'll realize what a jerk you are and never want you back once you leave. I need to just go and respect her. That's when it's going to be tough to not find reasons to reach out to her all the time....I really hate this. Sorry for the fragmented and incoherant post. I just typed this up real quick and didn't proof it.

I spent all damn day yesterday on this site reading through. It's so hard to take my mind off it. Need to try and get some work done.

I'm new here too, but one of the things I read on other posts was that if you don't want to move out - you shouldn't. Basically, if your wife wants the separation, then she should have to do the work to make it happen. I tend to agree with this. Unfortunately, in my situation I couldn't handle it that way. You'll have to make your own call, but it's something to consider.

You are in a place that I have been at before. Let me tell you clearly: it is much better to have the opportunity to interact with your wife and spend quality time with your daughter than it is to be apart. As hard as it may be, stay focused on the changes you want to make and don't forget about them even if things start to improve. When things start to improve, it's easy to go back to your old ways - this really fouls things up. Don't do it. Commit to positive change in the way you approach your M.

Hi LTD. I'm sorry about your sitch. My wife said she would move out if it was practical, but we have a D2/dog and cat. She carries the load of care (part of the issue), so it just makes it easier if I go. I'm just scared that once I do there will be nothing keeping us together except when I come over on the weekends for daddy daughter day. Once it gets to that point, I fear her stubborness will force her to just push me out of her head for better or worse. It really is killing me.

Not a good night or morning really. Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary. Oh joy.

Last night, she picked up D from her mom who watches her a couple of afternoons a week while we work. I grabbed us a bite and brought it back on the way home. She thanked me and we started to eat. Of course I can't keep my mouth shut and am just having a tough time. I tell her I've scheduled an appointment to see a counseler for tomorrow morning and long story short, she has a couple of names and thinks we should just go see the same one rather than me go to one IC and then another MC especially because of the cost.

This spawned into me trying to get her to open up to me. I asked if she was ready to see a counseler and if she really thinks I should move out before we do. She retorted, "what do you think it will change my mind" and became angry. Then I talked about the couseling and that how alot of the issues we already know about are going to come out. I said our horrible sex life as an extension of my selfish behavior. This really made her angry. She started to cry at one point and asked me to leave the room because she couldn't continue, but I stayed for a bit and just told her I understand why she is so angry and that it took me so long to finally realize how big of a problem we had and we never confronted it. She said that she has tried and we've talked about separating before and I said that it just didn't seem as real to me then and I have no way to explain it but something has clicked in my brain and I finally understand now. Obviously, it isn't a good answer but it really is the truth. She said that she was so mad at me and that it's been 5 years and she doesn't think I can change if I haven't already. So, she was really upset and angry and starting to withdraw and we discussed what the separation arrangements would be when I go surrounding our D. I tried to stop prying.

Then I was on the computer and something struck me. I've never ever been jealous at all with her for some reason, but I found myself looking at Facebook and she had a play date with our D and this guy she knows who has a S from quite awhile back and they sort of reconnected just recently. Their playdate was about 3 weeks ago and there are some pics up. Next thing I know I've been freaking out ever since. I feel like I've turned into this loser who tried to look at her phone calls and noticed one was to him just yesterday. Now I don't know what to think. I know he supposedly has a girlfriend and he lives about 45 minutes away. The other threads on this forum have totally freaked me out and when I asked her I know she said 'No, I don't even have time with work and D to have an affair if I wanted'. Which is true. But it could be turning into an emotional A first right?

I also gave her the headphones I bought her for her ipod. I know...NO GIFTS!

Well, this morning was very very tough on me. I skipped my morning workout and just layed there by myself in guest room in a state of severe depression as today is our 5 year anniversary. She asked if I was going out tonight this AM and I said I really didn't feel like it and asked if she was. She said she was invited to go out but wasn't sure she was going to. She said she'd cut my hair for me tonight when we get home from work. I waited awhile until just before I left and I said, I know things are going so well between us but I just want to say happy anniversary. She was a little sad and said, I know 5 years is a big one too. Then I asked if she wanted me to bring something home from work to eat because I'll be out earlier than her tonight and I feel like it's the right thing to do.

I'm thinking of sending flowers and writing a letter for today, but I'm not sure. I really feel like I'm losing her and will be moving out in the next week or so. I'm realizing that we are going down a path that could lead us to being divorced in the next few months and it is killing me. I know words are not enough at this point and I need to let my actions speak. I don't know what to do. It's our anniversary and I need to do something. I hate myself right now. I cried the whole way to work pretty much with the radio off just totally pathetic. I can't even function.

Crying isn't pathetic...especially in the situation you're in. It is a natural expression of sadness. I would be more concerned with someone who didn't show any emotion in a situation like this.

I know about the no gifts thing, but I tend to feel for major events (i.e. 5th anniversary) something simple is probably appropriate. Anything you do should be kept light and simple, though (i.e. a humorous card instead of something mushy). I could be wrong, but I would let her cut your hair tonight, too. It is a chance to spend some somewhat intimate time together. The fact that she's even offering really seems like a good sign to me.

Stop talking about your relationship at every opportunity. It will just push her further away. If she is willing to go to counseling, why question it? Do you want to make this worse?

Keep an eye open about the other guy, but remember that in DR they talk about staying upbeat and being the best version of yourself you can be. If there is a potential EA out there, you need to make yourself more appealing than that guy, not a pouting version of yourself. It's OK to cry, as I mentioned above. Do it when you're by yourself, allow yourself to express sadness, then get over it and project confidence around your wife. I know it's hard, but you can do it.

Well, I caved in and got $100 worth of flowers sent to her work for anniversary. I purposely didn't have a card with them though. She did the polite text message, "Thank you, they are unbelievable...".

I'm actually writing a letter right now that I'm not sure I'm going to give her but it is something she would have wanted me to do for years that I never did and is something she complained about. I never really communicated how I really felt to her for some reason. I may give it to her tonight depending on what happens. We'll be under the same roof for a couple hours and I might as well soak up the time with her while I can before I move out. If I do though, I know I need to back way off after and give her alot of room.

I just can't believe how bad it hurts right now. I feel myself slipping into this horrible depression to a point where I can't even function properly. 5 years today we were married and I'd give anything to do it all over again.

My advice is don't move unless you are legally obligated to. If your name is on the lease, you should live there too. She is the one who wants to split, so let her find a new place. If she leaves and you can't afford it, find a roommate. This is her decision, not yours and she should be the one taking the actions. You have no business making it easier for her. Do not enable her decision to make you miserable.

We have a daughter who is not even 2 years old yet though and I don't want to disrupt her life. My wife does the majority of the care for her or she said that she would leave but it is just cheaper for me to. It's a tough spot to be in. I've hinted that maybe she should go, but it took a turn for the worst and triggered the talk about just another example of how selfish I am. She would go if I really pressed, but then I think it would really be over or the damage would be so high.

Would you still recommend I stay put even with the daughter and her taking care of her. I do agree that she is the one that wants to go though. I just don't want to cause an even bigger rift.

She will respect you if you take a stand. She won't tell you and she will pitch a fit but it's true.
"Wife, I understand you want some space from me. I don't believe a seperation is in our marriage's, our family's or my best interest. I have decided that I am not going to move out. If you think that you still need space I won't stand in your way of you moving out."
Don't discuss it any further, she wants it then she can figure it out. It's not being selfish, she's projecting on to you and trying to make you defensive. Be the leader of your family.

Cheers