Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Should I date while I detach?

Depends. Depends on what you want and what you're prepared for.

Several observations - the jealousy thing can work. As soon as my Walkaway saw a photo of me and Miss Someone, she wigged out - and immediately started paying lots more attention to me.

Date Person needs to understand - that is, you need to make crystal clear right from the get-go - that this is Dating, not Relationshipping.

You need to understand that "things" - that is, your M and your Walkaway - aren't going to look the same. You're going to be in a kind of fog of your own. I learned it first-hand. After a couple months of seeing Miss Someone, I've realized that WAW really isn't all that. In essence I've become the Walkaway. In my case I can live with that - most days, anyway. So unless you're prepared to meet someone better, dont do it.

FWIW, my take is that for where you are in your sitch - which looks to be very early in the whole bomb/affair cycle - you shouldn't do it.

1) Your W will use it against you. "See, HE's the one having an affair!"

2) You're in no emotional shape for a new R. Not fair to you, not fair to the new woman.

3) Dating at this juncture - in my opinion - will nuke your chances for reconciliation.

4) And maybe this is just me - but if you asked me out (assuming I was single) and nobody has filed, she's either still living there or only left a few days ago, I'd think you were a slimy player

Now then, there's no reason not to put your goods in the shop window, so to speak. So spiff up, dress well, be immaculate in your grooming, be mysteriously unavailable on random evenings and weekends. But GAL, don't date.

Re: #4 Agree! Dog certainly didn't want to be or date the slimy player. I'm surprised this isn't mentioned more.

BINGO!!

I agree that all situations are different. In my case my H could have cared less if I started to date before our legalities were complete (or hell, even STARTED for that matter) because he was deeply vested in his affair. In his mind (he told me this almost a year later) had I started dating he would have felt better about things because we would have been "even". He actually urged me to date but that was his tool to ease his own guilt.

When a WAS is in the thick of an affair the LBS dating isn't even a blip on their radar. It doesn't make them jealous because they don't care! They are happy with the new buzz and lust of the new R so what the LBS is so very secondary it just doesn't matter to them.

I also think the personality of the WAS prior to the bomb is an element to examine. My H, in the 13 years we were together, was NEVER a jealous person. EVER. It's simply not in his nature. Armed with that info I knew that while his affair was going strong he all of a sudden wouldn't become the jealous type. In fact, me dating would have only validated what he was doing. And I don't validate or mimic bad behavior with the hopes it would have turned things around.

That is one of the reasons I went totally dark on him. No matter what I did or said didn't matter to him so I had to remove myself from the situation for ME. Two months after he moved out he came over to visit and watched the clock until it was time to go meet his GF. It was that very day I told him he was no longer welcome in MY home. A few months later he and I were on a phone call discussing some legal matters and he put me on hold to take a phone call from his GF. Again, unacceptable. So, no more phone calls. He was then regulated to e-mail only.

And just as a FYI - I knew about his affair for FIVE months before I brought it up. When I did bring it up I did so in a kind and quiet manner and he went nuts. Full blown nuts. In the decade plus I have known my H he has *never* spoken to me that way.

There are some WAS's that are simply so staunch in their decision to bail that nothing will make them take a second look. Mix in an affair and no amount of dating by the LBS will make a bit of difference.

IMO some of the tactics are right on.... GAL, detaching and moving forward as an individual. The jealousy and game playing is self destructive (IMO of course) and should not be part of the process.

My H is the type of person that once he decides something that is it. No looking back. No second guessing. His decisions are final. So me dating would have only hindered me and my healing and growth.

That^ is my W to a tee. Fear of loss may work well in some instances, but some WAS are just too far down the line.

CABBR

Well the idea is to try things that are different from what you are currently doing, stop doing what doesn't work and start trying things that might work.

Don't negate fear of loss or walking power - alot of people have had success with these things.

Sure, I agree. I am simply stating that for ME and ME only I did not feel like I was emotionally ready to date (plus I had some major health problems I was dealing with).

Different things work for different people and situations. All we can do is evaluate what works and keep on that path and remove what does not work. But at the end of the day before anything good can happen with a WAS spouse doing "what works" has to be for the LBS so some form of sanity can be established.

I simply offered as a gentle suggestion that dating is not a way to detach or heal. I personally could not do both at the same time and maybe somebody else could. Its all so personal so its hard to give a definitive answer on what is best, ya know?

ME and ME too.

Dog sure isn't ready and hasn't dated.

Doesn't matter when or if you date whether it makes your WAW jealous or not. It isn't for them, it is for YOU...

You don't need our permission. We aren't your parents and as far as I can tell, it seems as if you are of age...

Go for it. There are no guarantees no matter how long you wait.
Your WAW may get jealous or she may not. Who cares? Do it for you.

I wouldn't listen much to those who tell you that they "know" that their WS wouldn't get jealous. They are the same people who would have told you that their WS would never have an affair and wouldn't ever do what they are now doing. The same ones who say that their WS never changes their mind once it is made up must have forgotten that their spouse at one time promised to marry for life.. Looks like they changed their minds on that......

Make your own decisions. You will be fine either way. Don't let a lot of psycho babble sway you. It could very well be the best thing you ever did in your life. No gurantees when you date no matter how long or how short the time you wait. A person can still get hurt by another. Fear paralyzes..