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Just? H E double hockey sticks Lady...most people don't even do that!

So give yourself a little more than a little credit there.

That is really all you can do.

Ok now for the stick:



That worked out so well in the past...didn't it? Trying to figure them out, what they were thinking?

Instead,

Ask, talk, commincate.



You.
Him.

Ok Jack, by getting into his head I meant I had to do that by talking, asking and communicating with him. I need to learn to phrase my sentences better I guess! lol

And actually I didnt save me....God did! lol

Im just saying that I have really done alot of changing in me in the last 3 years. I feel good about myself most days....Im happy now instead of down all the time. I think people can see that...maybe even my H.

I did tell him that I wanted to talk to him more about all of this a little deeper....we are supposed to get together Friday evening and go out to dinner and do some talking. I asked him how long he had been thinking about this and he said he thinks about it everyday...so I know its not something he is doing on a whim....thats different. A few other things seem different so far too.

ok, so my H and I went out to eat Friday night. Everything seemed more comfortable than it had in the past when we would do this. I decided at dinner to ask what had been on his mind lately. So, we talked about somethings. I asked what had brought all this about this time....it basically had come down to me being his friend through all of this. That he had lots of so called "friends", but when he needed them they werent there for him like he would be for them. I on the other hand have always been there for him.

Then he said it was also out of simplicity. I asked him did he mean it was convienient....he said no, it wasnt like that....just simplier to come home than to be on his own...starting over. Im not sure what to make of that comment, but it was a red flag to me.

I did end up telling him that after talking to him I didnt feel like he was ready to come home. I told him he still had issues he seemed to be working through and I did not wanna walk on eggshells around him.

Basically this has nothing to do with me really. Or our marriage...its all about him. He is the kind of person that has to know for sure that he is doing the right thing before he does it. He has to play it all out in his head. He has to "GET IT".

We did agree that he needed to make a decision either way and not let things continue the way they have. He said he hasnt brought up the separation papers or divorce in the last year because I havent brought them up and if neither of us was concerned about it then he didnt have to think about it.......

Im not sure where we stand now....I told him that us dating would be ok...He wanted me to get the kids opinion and I said no...that Im sure they would want him home and I wasnt going to bring it up to them. No need to get their hopes up right now.

I think he is still having some issues with the exOW not wanting to even be his friend. I think he is more hurt by that than her not being with him. OF course I am only assuming this. Really I see him hurting over it....and I wonder how long this hurt will last...we didnt talk about the Ex OW at all during our dinner.

Funny thing is that we had longer to talk during dinner because they messed up our order and we were there 30 min longer waiting and we did end up getting half off our order!

After dinner we went and did a little shopping which was nice and he seemed very comfortable. IN the past he would comment on dates that he was really nervous but not this time.

Im really not sure what is going to happen right now. I have no idea...Im just taking it all one day at a time.

The one thing I know for sure is that he isnt ready to come home, and this we both know.

At least you ar both aware that he isn't ready so there is no wondering will he/won't he right now. It sounds like the interaction went well though.

I'm praying for you K. You have control of yourself and your situation now and I'm sure that you will be strong enough not to let your H drag you back down. He needs to work his way up to your level!!

Hi kissak,

I have been coming here everyday to see if you had written about your date.

Your evening out seems to have been very good for both of you.

I find it very interesting how after all these years apart your H has come to the conclusion (IMO) that you are the only one who has remained true to him.

The OW up and left and didn't waste time moving on. I agree with you that he appears to still be hurt and in some sort of mourning over that relationship. Perhaps he really did love her. He then took on the roll of the "LBS" as her boyfriend. From our views we can certainly understand how devastating it is to be the LBS.

I have read on the BB many times that it can take a very, very long time for the returning spouse to actually get over the relationship with the OP.

I would investigate further with him about the "simplicity" comment. I would not want him back if it was to only make his life easier. I would only want him back if he wanted to be my husband and a full-time family man again, a man who realized what he was losing and throwing away, a man who truly does love me.

I agree with not telling the kids. There is plenty of time for that down the road after you and H spend more time talking and dating.

It had to have been comfortable on both sides for you to have dinner and then do some shopping together. I would guess, if dinner had made him edgy, shopping would have been out of the question.

You sound like you have your thoughts and emotions "together". I will be praying for you and your family that your H is on his way home. Even if he doesn't return right away, just to have his presence about more often and see him participate in/with the family would be wonderful. It would be nice with the holidays approaching.

I agree with mishka, let your H do the work, if he wants it...he will work for it, nothing will stop him!!!

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika

Thanks Mishka and Sanderika....

Nothing as really happened this week. We are still going on as before I guess. H did come in and stay a while after getting the kids on Tuesday night. He seemed to make hiself at home, even asked for something to eat. He seemed to be in a mood last night though....I tried to ignore it.

His brother and his gf just had their first baby on Monday and now his sister is in ICU from complications from the flu. HE also has a big test today for his job...so I know he is under alot of stress this week.

He still has a long way to go...

Thanks for your prayers...I will be updating if anything else comes up.

Just checking in....

Weekend was good. H came over last thursday and stayed the night with the kids while I went to a late night movie with some friends. Friday evening he came over and stayed about an hour and watched a movie with the kids. Saturday he came over to the house and helped me in my shop, lots of cleaning to do out there. It was nice to have his help. A few times he mentioned things he would like to do out there (in the future). He stayed and ate supper with us.

Saw him briefly on Sunday, he stopped by for lunch.

Kids are becoming very curious about things. Wondering why daddy is around more. My son keeps mentioning "family" things alot....he even made the comment Saturday at dinner that "we are all sitting down like a family to eat, ONLY were NOT!" I werent sure what to say to that. ONly that we will always be a family.

Things are going slow. But thats ok. He still has alot to work through. Just taking it day by day. Still no mention of him coming back lately. Just trying to reconnect I guess. I still see him making comments on Fb about friends not being there for him and how he is blank sometimes, and talking about letting it all be???

So I know he is still not through his crisis and he will not be coming back till he is. Right now Im just working on being a friend to him, when it seems everyone else has left him. Some might not agree after all he has put me through, but thats just how I am....

HOpe everyone here has the happiest THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Smile and enjoy everyday!

(((((Kissak)))))

I come by everyday to see if you have updated. Your sitch has been of great interest to me, as it is close to mine. I admire your strength and manner in which you have handled this all.

I am happy for you.....time is proving to mend the problems with your H and in your marriage.

You will work through this with H. H appears to be working through his problems and I think a "snail's pace" is best. You often hear....when it is rushed, it fails and things end up right back at square one. You are strong and capable of making the right decisions.

It must feel good to have him around more often and I can see the questions and excitement in the kids. I think you are wise to remain cautious and reserved about your heart. After what he has put you through.....a "snail's pace" for you is best too.

I would think by your continued treatment towards him as kindly and a caring friend will bring him back. You have remained true to him and he is trusting what he sees and feels is genuine. (I have used the same towards my H) Your H is realizing where he belongs and I can imagine he is finding comfort in the thought more and more everyday. I do believe they have to be comfortable and certain to take the walk back.

I hope for you, he is genuine too.

Take care, my thoughts are with you everday.....patience and time seems to be the remedy.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.....

Sanderika

Hi all! I had a great thanksgiving....ate wayyyyy toooo much though! Glad all that food is gone now!!

Something happened on that morning though that I should probably tell!

My H called me on thanksgiving morning, we were talking about his dad. His dad was in the hospt, he had a heart attack the week before. We talked a good while, then when he was ready to hang up he said "I will see you for dinner at your moms" I said "ok, I will talk to you later"...then he said "i love you".

I was soo shocked to hear those words that I kinda mumble them back to him without thinking...and said goodbye and he said the same.

Well, there I was...picking my jaw up off the floor. My H has not said those 3 words in that way in 3 YEARS!! After I collected myself, I texted him and said that I was sorry, but he had caught me off guard. He replyed with "i know, It caught me off guard too". It has never been said since or even discussed.

So weird. So very weird to me.

Anyway, things have been going ok. He comes over more, and spends time with the kids at my house.

Ive told him that I really dont wanna talk about him coming home until after the holidays. Because I know they are an emotional time and I dont want him acting on those emotions.

But all is good for now.

We did have a great thanksgiving day. My parents and the rest of my disfunctional family put aside all differences with the ex's for one day and enjoyed a great feast!

Your situation sounds so promising. You are doing amazing and pacing yourself with boundaries. Great job.