Is there anyone out there who regards, given the facts referred to above (and her acknowledgement that she "loves" OM), the denials as plausible? From my perspective, one (especially a guy) doesn't get to "I love you xo" simply by kissing and talking.
No, not plausible. Not with:
- 2,700+ text messages
- mysterious cash withdrawals
- virulent reaction to your accusations
- lingerie purchases
- her admission that she loves him.
A "luv ya!" -- yeah, plausible. But not an "I love you" plus all of the above.
This is why I didn't want you to do anything, D'd&B'd. You needed to have gathered your evidence more carefully, and planned your course of action, before exposing to her mother.
What's done is done. Complete your legal and financial moves immediately, and we'll go from there.
I managed to get out of the house before WAS awoke. However, this morning I received a telephone call from an angry mother-in-law who says she spoke with OM (he is mother-in-laws personal trainer as well) who denies any PA (and presumably EA). She also says she knows her daughter and she would never do such a thing.
This is a cheeseless tunnel. My mother-in-law steadfastly maintained her daughter's innocence ("She says she's just a friend!") throughout, despite all of the evidence I had. I just continued to tell her and my FIL "She's lying to you. She's lying to all of us, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have told you this if I didn't have proof."
She's going to continue to hit you with all kinds of bile today. When she says you shouldn't have said anything to her mother, or continues with any of the "slander" stuff, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way. Everything I've done, I've done to try to save our marriage." You may want to also add "Since you brought up slander, I guess this is a legal issue now, and best left up to the attorneys."
Print this and give it to your MIL and tell her you want her help to save your marriage.
Dear Readers: I have received so many questions in the last month about cheating spouses that I wanted to write a general response to a few of the letters written to me. I posted this last week on the blog, but I am going to put it in print for those who aren't online.
I have been sorting through various responses received on this and have to say that this topic always causes quite a stir. Those with guilty consciences seem to come out of the woodwork, as do those who are on the receiving end and can relate. I would like to thank everyone for sharing their stories and opinions.
To respond globally to some of the questions posed: No matter what your views on this are, whether or not you have a personal interest in the matter, or whether it is your own "little friendship" involved, the fact remains that the person is married. No amount of denial, defensiveness or justification on anyone's part can change that.
If indeed a couple was having marital difficulties before, that is something between the couple, not the couple and the affair-ee. To air your marital strife to the "other man/woman" is immature, and hurtful and unfair to the one who should be hearing it: The spouse. As for the cheating, if the other man/woman thinks it can't happen to them, think again. Likely the person has done it before, and odds are, they'll do it again.
If there is no affair, and it is just a friendship, there is no reason for it to be hidden from the spouse. I believe a man and woman can have a platonic relationship, as long as there is respect for something called boundaries. If either one oversteps the boundaries, all bets are off. If the spouse is a jealous person and has trust issues, hiding the relationship and having them find out later will just make it worse. I'll say it again: No trust equals no relationship.
It is far too easy to walk away from marriages these days. This is especially true when one spouse finds someone else who tickles their fancy a little more than their husband or wife. It doesn't have to be a sexual relationship. It can simply be a person who listens to their problems with a sympathetic ear, or laughs with them over silly things, and perhaps their spouse doesn't do that anymore. Instead of looking at this other person and thinking "he/she is so much better than my husband/wife," why not look at it with the attitude of "how can my spouse and I work on things so that we have this type of relationship again?" That alone may save a marriage or two. And there you have it ... my two cents."
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Waste of time. You can't teach an adulterer, and it will make him appear weak and defensive. We also don't want him putting things out there IN WRITING right now, when his wife has repeatedly thrown around the "slander" charge. I'm sure his atty would agree with this.
No, he should keep his communications VERBAL at this point, and very general ("I'm sorry you feel that way." ; "Everything I'm doing, I'm doing to try and save my marriage." etc.).
He needs to focus on doing his legal and financial moves right now, and avoid any further drama that letters like this are only going to stir up.
[/quote] So, what do you want? What are you going to do? [/quote]
I would like to save the marriage. I'm not sure where to begin. I was thinking of setting some boundaries such as no texting in the house; no taking the children to the fitness studio; letting it be known that I will not finance the affair; and suggesting, given her profession of love for and emotional connection with OM that she consider moving out. Other than that I will avoid all R talks. Am I missing anything?
Waste of time. You can't teach an adulterer, and it will make him appear weak and defensive. We also don't want him putting things out there IN WRITING right now, when his wife has repeatedly thrown around the "slander" charge. I'm sure his atty would agree with this.
No, he should keep his communications VERBAL at this point, and very general ("I'm sorry you feel that way." ; "Everything I'm doing, I'm doing to try and save my marriage." etc.).
He needs to focus on doing his legal and financial moves right now, and avoid any further drama that letters like this are only going to stir up.
Puppy
Here's some advice that piggy backs on what Puppy said (every bit of which is spot on). First, truth is always a defense to a claim of slander (spoken defamation)/libel (written defamation). Second, absolutely DON'T put anything in writing she might construe as slander. Let your L do that. We are good for that.
So, what do you want? What are you going to do? [/quote]
I would like to save the marriage. I'm not sure where to begin. I was thinking of setting some boundaries such as no texting in the house; no taking the children to the fitness studio; letting it be known that I will not finance the affair; and suggesting, given her profession of love for and emotional connection with OM that she consider moving out. Other than that I will avoid all R talks. Am I missing anything? [/quote]
I think these are a good start. Make sure you are clear on what you mean when you say "I will not finance your affair." Cellphone is the best place to start, but also look at any gifts she might have given to OM, lingerie, her hair/nail appts. (other than a basic wet cut) (rationale: I will not pay for you to make yourself more attracted for someone other than your husband"), new clothing (other than basic needs/seasonal change-of-wardrobe). Basically, you want to separate her basic NEEDS from her WANTS/affair stuff. When in doubt, err on the side of paying it. Ler her know IN WRITING that you will continue to meet the family's financial needs -- just not her affair.
You also might want to add "no talking to OM on your phone in front of the kids."
No. During her affair, she threatened to file, several times. "I'll just get a DIVORCE then!" was her rant. I finally filed, in order to protect myself and my kids. I went for full custody, and it would have been UGLY.
Last year, her affair had been over for a year, and it was more mutual. Very amicable, and we agreed to use a mediator, and we met with him once. Even went so far as to divvy up the various holidays, birthdays, etc. Very sad.
Every time we've peered into the abyss, we've backed away. And now things are going better than ever!
It was a crazy day as Puppy predicted. We cancelled 4 way meeting with lawyers given my learning of the affair. This is what her lawyer said about the other R: "As an aside, while my client advises that there is no doubt that my client is emotionally connected to a man, they have not had a physical relationship. While she has known this fellow for some time, their relationship evolved and they established a strong emotional connection after the separation."
Her lawyer also became very aggressive and started to make noises that they intended to attempt to obtain a court order to remove me from the home. I had to run home at lunch and ended up talking with WAS. She claims that she has ended the emotional relationship as OM is instead going to work on his marriage. She claims they do not intend to have any further contact. She claims that they never had sexual relations and that the extent of their physical contact was 5-6 occasions where they "kissed". She accused me of nearly breaking up a marriage (OM's). WAS claims she would not have continued relationship with OM (if they had not been discovered) because OM is married. I'm rather skeptical of that claim given that less than 24 hours ago she was professing her love for OM and saying that his marriage was over in any event. I told her that everything I've done has been done in effort to save marriage. Unfortunately, I became a little too embroiled in R talk and some of her complaints. She said that OM was her friend; that he listened to her; that he told her she was wonderful; that he accepted her....things she said she yearned for with me but never received. WAS was initially going to take kids and stay with her mom. However, she's now decided to stay put.
