Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I just found the dreaded "I love you" text exchng

Thanks, Trent. I am assuming the worst. If the "I love you" messages weren't enough of a thunk on the head for me the sexy underwear that I don't remember ever seeing before probably did the trick. Funny, I've noticed of late that she's been carrying body spray with her wherever she goes. The car always smells quite lovely!

Thanks, Puppy. You're going to smack with a 2 x 4. It was HER mother I told, not my own.

About finances, you're quite right. Thanks for the advice. I pay all of the bills of significance. She buys groceries and clothes etc. Nevertheless, I scrutinized the joint line of credit today and she has taken out $5,000 in the last two months. That's in addition to all the money she spent on groceries etc.

And people tell me I'm paranoid . . .

Who pays for her cellphone?

That needs to be cut off immediately, along with anything else she's using to conduct her affair. Do the moves simultaneously, and then tell her that you've done it, "because I have decided that I will no longer financially enable your affair." Only do this AFTER you've done "Step 2" above.

I'm headed to bed. I hope you can get some sleep. I will tell you, although it will still be very hard, there is NOTHING like a night's rest after a day well-fought, admirably.

Puppy

She just arrived back from wherever she was. She picked the lock, entered my bedroom and sat on the bed. I advised that I did not wish to discuss anything with her and requested she leave the room. Before she did she again said she was going to speak with her lawyer tomorrow and that if I slandered her name she would sue my ass.

..and honestly, that's all you need to know. You will not do yourself any favors trying to put the pieces together in your head.

Work on detaching and setting boundaries for yourself. Some good ones for right now:

* As long as there is "nothing physical going on", you don't want to hear any talk about the OM at all.
* If she thinks she's in love with him, then she can find out for sure -- tell her to pack a bag. She can go to him, or to a friend/relatives' place; it doesn't matter. Affairs are fun because of the thrill of the hidden secret; now that it's out in the open, the fantasy becomes reality and reality is a lot messier.
* If she wants to leave, she has to tell the kids in front of you that she is leaving. You need to be there so she doesn't try to push the blame onto you, or claim that it is a mutual decision.
* You need to protect the kids from your wife's behavior, so if she comes to the house, the OM stays away. You will need to be supportive of your kids 100%, since you can't count on her to do the right thing.

If she leaves the house, go "dark"; no contact, and she doesn't get to know anything of what you are doing.

Although I'm generally pro-exposure, it should ONLY be done after careful thought, a PLAN, and for the right reasons. Not out of weakness or knee-jerk revenge.

Why in the world did you tell her mother???

"I'm really sorry you feel that way. Goodnight!"

By the way, she went to discuss with her OM, either in person or -- more likely -- she parked somewhere and called him.



This is the high-level "Plan" they came up with.

She's bluffing about suing you; she wants you to stay quiet.

Well, she may not be bluffing, but her divorce lawyer may ask her to reconsider if it means that you start bringing in evidence that's she's having an affair. (You don't need to know what the messages say if you can show that she's texted him 2700+ times in a month.)