I would also suggest a sit down (prepare for her to be defensive and BE prepared to handle it). Let her know that you have come to the realization that the living conditions you are currently dealing with no longer suit you and you feel its best for the family to proceed forward with legalities.
Your W views you as the obstacle to her happiness right now. So, remove yourself totally. Be polite and civil during this talk and under ANY circumstance do not fall back to any old destructive behaviors or patterns.
Before you have this talk you may want to research divorce/separation options in your state. Not as a threat but to show her it can be done in a fair, respectful and private way.
If she brings up money or any other issue that is tied in with divorce (custody, support) kindly let her know that the both of you can discuss it with the attnys to find the best solution.
If she starts to freak out (and she might just to see if you will resort back to your old ways) calmly end the talk and let her know when she is ready to discuss this in a more productive fashion ya'll will continue. Thank her for her time.
Interesting post robx. My W plans on going by the house some time during the week to grab some things. She has been out of the house for a few weeks now - she was at her parent's house, but yesterday decided to move into a house that her brother-in-law owns (free for her while it is still on the market). She still has some personal belongings at the house such as clothes, artwork, etc.....things I could care less about. Do you think it would be prudent for me to pack up all her stuuf in advance and send her a signal?
UMMM.... yeah!
I would get rid of her stuff, put it in boxes for her, put it on the front porch, contact her by email, tell her that her stuff has been packed up and is waiting for her to pick them up, you did your part to get her stuff out of the house and tell her to enjoy her life because you are finally going to start enjoying yours.
'nuff said.
If she gets all angry, stop her in the middle of her conversation and just say to her "none of this is necessary, just pick up your things and leave please. Thank you"
Prudent has nothing to do with this, take some action that says you're moving on with your life, taking back the home for yourself and you're going to enjoy your single life.
Things to do now that she is out of the house: 1. Paint the main living space, ie. living room 2. Re-arrange furniture 3. Put up some new pics and take down the old ones, remove pics of her
Nothing says moving on like making your place YOUR place
Enjoy yourself during this process, it's very therapeutic.
I would like your opinion. I'm in Limboland. I've given her space to heal and do what she needs to do. But when does giving space turn into crossing a boundry and having no respect for me and not loving me.
She has stated that the only reason that I'm here is that I really have no place to go and financially we couldn't stay in the house and would have to move. She could kick me out just as fast because of my previous behavior and has cause to do so.
I believe she is testing me because I said something to her a couple of weeks ago about being out until 3 in the morning.
I love her and realize she doesn't trust me anymore. I also realize she enjoys her single life and doing what she wants to do.
The only way I see this playing out is if I go all they way and get a lawyer, realtor and head in that direction full steam.
She views me standing up to her as more controlling behavior. If I show up with boxes she will kick me to the curb. She has me bent over a barrel and she knows it.
I am working on dealing with my anger, counseling, Love without hurt, praying. I've done a great job in that department. Even my kids have made comments on how well I've done.
This begs the question, How long do I stay?
I can tell her things need to change but I need to do it without coming across as a Controlling SOB. Breakaway is that even possible.
You can't wait for the other spouse to lead you out of "limboland", that decision will always be up to you. How do you get out of limboland? You chart the direction for yourself to leave limbo and it doesn't matter if she joins you or not, you make the decision, you move on.
Still waiting to hear JTJ, what is it that you did to your wife? You know these forums and the internet in general afford us alot of anonymity, you can be honest. Honestly you might be judged and judged harshly for what you did to your wife but if you want help that is focus on what you did and how to repair that damage, it will help to know what happened.
Since you were abusive both verbally and physically you are in somewhat of a different situation.
For one thing.. If she is having an affair, then it really is hard to put the blame on her. I certainly can understand her position. The affair is probably the only thing that gave her the strength to stand up to you and say.. ENOUGH.. (looks like it worked quite well didn't it?)
So.. The question then is what CAN you do to turn this around...
1) Be nice. Don't argue. Be kind. Don't go overboard, but be consistent in your behavior. IF she wants to go out until 3:00.. so be it....
HOWEVER... We still need fo find out who this OM is. I thought I saw somewhere where you thought he was married? We need to find out because when you find out you can make your new gameplan on what you discovered...
IF.. IF he IS married, that is the opening for you to break up the affair by exposing it TO HIS WIFE.... He would probably go running back to his wife if she knew. IF the OM is married you could then confront him and tell him that you WILL expose to his wife unless he ends the affair... (don't tell your wife your plan. Just continue to treat her kindly)
THAT is your best chance to get her to observe your changes and give the marriage a chance. You can NOT let this affair continue.
Taking the tough approach in your situation is not going to work right now because of your past history of abuse. It would actually be a smart thing for HER to get out because she should have not accepted your behavior a long time ago. You have no leg to stand on in her eyes at this point.(and HER eyes are the only ones that matter in her view right now.) You would ber cutting your own throat at this time. Maybe later, but not now.
GET the facts. IMPERATIVE to find out who the OM is and if he is married. Then break it up by telling him you WILL expose the affair to his wife and anybody else he knows...
Sorry for leaving everyone hanging after the last post by breakaway I took a break myself.
First Thimgs abuse:
I gave her a black eye while we were dating Puncher her in the ribs a seperate time Married Punched her on top of the head repeatidly 5-7 times dating pushed her on the floor, or pushed her physically 12-15 times.
probably more but the abusive mind creates a fog when anger fear worry and control form together.
There has been a couple of times where she hit me that I did not hit her but I sure did teach her what to do when you get angry.
Verbal: Said anything and everything Controlling you name it I did it. I was a very mean mean person I'm going to get you before you get me.
Last time I did anything physically to her was almost a year ago pushed her and shoved her down into a chair. I discovered one of her guy friends asked her to send him photos of herself in a bikini. Looking through her email. She came home complaining that I was lying aroud drunk while kids were outside plying in yard. I had 4 beers at lunch with a client and went home and went to sleep on our bed.
I don't know if she is in an affair and couldn't prove it without snooping and if I got caught she would slaughter me in court and I may never see my kids unsupervised for a long time. If she is having an affair I don't blame her. If there is a fire in the forrest the animals are going to run whereever thay think they can be safe.
I've not yelled at my kids but mabe a handful of times the last four months and have stopped spanking as a form of discipline.
I'm I an abuser yes. Can become compassionate and loving yes. I believe this journey is alot like AA for Alcoholics. I need to understand and accept this is who I am and I need to turn it all over to GOd. I've cut way back on drinking and take xanax for me to sleep and anti-depressents fro the sadness I feel.
I'm reaping what I've sown. Two years ago I kneeled down in church and told God I didn't want to be like this anymore and asked him to teach me how to Love. God does answer prayers. Becareful what you pray for.
Also i want to add that a looked at pornography from the time i was 15 until a few months ago. never really paid for it Just always found the free stuff. It led to objectify women and look at them as a means to an end for my pleasure. In the last four months I've only looked at pornography 1 time.
I'm a catholic and I've drawn strength from praying the rosary daily, Praying the divine mercy chaplet and attending a Holy hour at least 1 time a month and the stations of the cross. Thanks for everyones thoughts I really do appreciate them. Worry--->fear---->Anger---->Control.
My wife bought me a watch at the mall saturday. She has always told me how picky I am and how i critisize everything. She must have asked 5 times if I like the watch. I said I did and I'm wearing it right now.
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
Things to do now that she is out of the house: 1. Paint the main living space, ie. living room 2. Re-arrange furniture 3. Put up some new pics and take down the old ones, remove pics of her
4. Put up a velvet "Dogs Playing Cards" wall hanging. ALWAYS in good taste.
Yes I am. I've actually found a lot of peace. The counseling didn't do as much as praying and turning everything over to God and realizing I had no control over my behaviors and actions. Also realizing I'm not a bad person, bad behaviors yes, and you can change behaviors. I've realized you can't control other people by what you say or do and their path to salvation is theirs and I can't control that. Letting it go.
I don't know whats best for everyone. I can't keep myself safe through control. Anger hurts the person 10 times more that is angry than the person I'm acting upon. I love myself and only now can I love others. i've cried almost everyday since April it is cathartic.
My 10 year old has even told some of her friends parents how much I've changed and she can't believe it.
Healing I've done so much. The hurt I've caused others I've apologized and tried to make amends. I pray that everyone I've hurt heals. I hope everyoone gives thanks for what they have. I'm glad I didn't live like this my entire Life and I can and will change. I hope my wife heals. Married to her or not I hope she heals.
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
