Quote: . It's not the baby let's forget this D stuff and jump in the rack. But I'll take what I can get.
Whats with jump in the rack, are you letting the old ways, interfere with your present thinking. Is this attitute sp creeping in your interactions, and she is picking it up.
Quote: She told me she was telling me she bumped into her attorney today. He asked her how things were. She said ok, she then said he thought he heard things were a lot better. I don't know what things she meant. I'm not sure why she told me she bumped into her lawyer.
This is easy, she is telling you she has back off the divorce, she can't come right out and admit it.
This of course would be a dream come true. I'll have to keep my eye out for other signs while not getting my hopes up too high. Over the past couples days, she has talked to me more than she has in the past few months since this mess started. Some of the talk is D and money talk. Some is work related stuff and the rest is the upcoming holidays and general stuff. I've noticed a little change in behavior. Since this stuff started, if she were to come in after I was in bed, she wouldn't come to the room to change or anything of the sort. Over the past week when she comes in, she has been coming in and of course turning on lights and bumpin' and bloopin' in what I think is an effort to wake me up. She then starts talking about what ever. I hope this is a good sign.
Quote: I will still have to think of a way to get through to her and aknowledge the hurt that I caused. I just don't have a clue right now as to how to do that.
Active listening, VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE, not to mention saying you are sorry 1000 times.
This is on my game plan. I stopped going down the cheesless tunnel by defending my points of view. I appear to agree with her which on some points I do. Why fight. Sun Tsu something to the effect that feigned weakness is born of great strength. I'll just bend in her wind rather than try to stand in it and be snapped.
Quote: It's not the baby let's forget this D stuff and jump in the rack. But I'll take what I can get.
Whats with jump in the rack, are you letting the old ways, interfere with your present thinking. Is this attitute sp creeping in your interactions, and she is picking it up.
Do you know her 'LOVE LANGUGAGES".
Yea, I know my words make me appear to be 1 dimensional with only one thing on my mind. I have other things on my mind but this is heavy on it of course. You could very well be right when you say this attitude maybe creeping into my interactions. I have to find a happy balance I reckon.
As far as love languages, I don't understand that concept. I guess I'll have to google it up and see what you're saying.
I just popped onto the board to see what was going on and thought I would leave a little update. The update there isn't much of an update. Or at least there are no earth shaking developments.
I didn't hear much from the W yesterday other than to take the boy to get stuff for his crafts and could I pay a bill. When she came home, I was in bed just turning off the tv. She again came in to change complete with the bathroom and closet lights on. This time last year or even 8 months ago, that would have gotten a bad response from me. I just let it slide. She then turned the light off and kept saying my name in a low tone asking if I was awake. She then asked if I picked up the craft stuff and paid the bill. She then told me how her day sucked again. I wish I could do something about it other than listen. She then complained that she fell asleep while trying to see her man(country caterwalling guy) on tv. And that was it.
This morning, she did the same thing. What I find interesting is she actually sat on the bed while talking. It's a king sized bed and she sat in the center on the edge. I thought that may be a small sign as I was still in it. Just minor talk. Before she left, she yelled up that she was leaving and returned my have a good day in a louder tone than 3 weeks ago. In the past, she would have just split. I would only know she was leaving by the garage door coming up.
I hope these are good small signs. A friend from the board thinks so. I haven't been served with the papers she said she had filed. But, tomorrow may be a different story. My shields are up and I will try to remember it's just a piece of paper.
Quote: When she came home, I was in bed just turning off the tv
Get the TV out of the bedroom, mistake I made, it steals connect time, read or listen to radio, or music. Make sure she does not have to compete with it. TV for sure out of the bedroom. If she asks, say you read somewhere it interfered with your sleep pattern. Actually it is was on Dr. Phil.
Quote: She then told me how her day sucked again. I wish I could do something about it other than listen.
Dude, have you read Mars/Venus, all you have to do is listen, thats all, that is helping.
Quote: This morning, she did the same thing. What I find interesting is she actually sat on the bed while talking. It's a king sized bed and she sat in the center on the edge. I thought that may be a small sign as I was still in it. Just minor talk. Before she left, she yelled up that she was leaving and returned my have a good day in a louder tone than 3 weeks ago. In the past, she would have just split. I would only know she was leaving by the garage door coming up.
See what active listening does, now get on those love languages.
Quote: I hope these are good small signs.
These are big, she is sleeping, and talking, remember sex is way down her list, NO PRESSURE!!
Don't forget christmas, start paying attention to what she is saying. Also nothing for the house or with a cord. Be creative. A nice touch would be flower delivered to her job, just before christmas.
Quote: Get the TV out of the bedroom, mistake I made, it steals connect time, read or listen to radio, or music. Make sure she does not have to compete with it. TV for sure out of the bedroom. If she asks, say you read somewhere it interfered with your sleep pattern. Actually it is was on Dr. Phil.
That would be right up my alley. But....if(no when) she returns to our bed, she MUST fall asleep to the tv. It's like a night light for her. There doesn't have to be any sound. Just the glimmer of the tv. After she's off, I can turn it off. But that is a good thought. Lately, when she is talking to me, I mute the set and listen.
Quote: She then told me how her day sucked again. I wish I could do something about it other than listen. Dude, have you read Mars/Venus, all you have to do is listen, thats all, that is helping.
Negative, I haven't read those books. I guess I should/will. She has them all over the place. I don't know if she's read them. The spines don't look cracked.
Quote: I hope these are good small signs. These are big, she is sleeping, and talking, remember sex is way down her list, NO PRESSURE!!
I do hope these are big positive signs. I have to keep reading her to see what happens.
As far as Christmas, we told each other we wouldn't get anything. Last year we said that and I did it anyway. She was hot. She is one of the most giving people I know(like my money, food and such ). But for me to give her something and her not get me something got her mad. We'll see how this plays out.
As long as I'm here, I may as well update. Last night, W came home an hour earlier than normal. Of course, she talked about how her day sucked again and how the wind storm we had nearly knocked her off the road. No big talk. Just little everyday topics and she dozed off. This morning, she didn't try to wake me up and didn't say to much of anything. She seemed as if she was going to say something to me. She sent me a nice video of cats doing funny stuff via email at work. That was cool. We have 2 cats.
She really shocked me by coming home 2 hours earlier than normal. She said she wasn't feeling good and her feet hurt. I asked her if she wanted me to get her foot machine which she said yes. Light conversation, mostly money wise and stuff for the kids for Christmas. Still, I'm glad she feels comfortable coming home earlier. She once said she would rather stay on one of her jobs than come home. This is a good thing I hope.
Later, I think she was teasing/testing me. She pulled her feet out and started doing stuff to them. I think I mentioned in an earlier thread I have a foot fetish. Well so what, it's one of the most common fetish around. Or at least I heard that.
Well anyway, she was working her feet around and painting nails and such. In the past to start my engine, she would move them in and out of my sight. I saw her trying to catch me looking. I remembered what she said the other day about not liking me watching her in that way. So, I watched her in the fire place screen. I let her catch me a couple times and I think she was hip to the fire place screen gimic.
I don't know if this is a test or trick. Was I supposed to do what I would do before this and get started.Or was this a test to see if I would respect her wishes. It was hard to resist. She has since fallen asleep and is cutting logs.
Quote: That would be right up my alley. But....if(no when) she returns to our bed, she MUST fall asleep to the tv. It's like a night light for her. There doesn't have to be any sound. Just the glimmer of the tv. After she's off, I can turn it off. But that is a good thought. Lately, when she is talking to me, I mute the set and listen. So be clever, and break it, it only requires one thing disconnected inside. On Phil, it them less than a week to fall asleep without the TV.
Quote: Negative, I haven't read those books. I guess I should/will. She has them all over the place. I don't know if she's read them. The spines don't look cracked. check out http://www.marsvenus.com/index.php , if you bother to read here why aren't you reading everything you can. Mars and love languages are the biggies.
Quote: She really shocked me by coming home 2 hours earlier than normal. Guess things are moving too fast. By the way when she complained about her feet and you got here foot machine, what about you rubbing them.
Quote: I don't know if this is a test or trick. Was I supposed to do what I would do before this and get started.Or was this a test to see if I would respect her wishes. It was hard to resist. She has since fallen asleep and is cutting logs. Hey if we knew we would not be here either. Just go slow. the most important is LISTENNING.
Blackrook expected it but hoped it wouldn't happen. W did in fact file for a D as she said she had. Once again, our names grace the vital statistics section of the local paper. I had my shield up getting ready for this but.... To think unless something major happens, my marriage will be over in 60 days. Ahhh. I can't keep my shields up. I need to let this go before I leave. I guess I will clip this and put it next to our marriage announcement.
She just left and she was very nice to me. I'm sure she knows it has shown up in the paper. Her mother like mine reads every section of the paper. I reckon I'll be hearing from family who didn't have a clue this was going on today.
I'm trapped between doing a LRT and going on with what I'm doing. Things are so confusing right now. She shows signs of wanting to try. But, the filing. She did say she would do it after our big blow up.
The last few nights have been better than most in the past couple months. I guess I'll let this stuff out, go to work and move on. I can only keep on doing what I'm doing and pray God wants us to stay together.
Poepad. I don't know about rubbing her feet. That could have been her goal but I don't know. I wonder if her calmness and niceness comes from relief in filing. I don't know. I will read the book and see what comes of it.
When you're on a count down, things look different. I know I've advised others a D is just a piece of paper. I guess I'll have to remember that too. I know there are a lot of success stories from sitch worse than mine.
Time to go to work. Please say and prayer for me and my wife.
Quote: Blackrook expected it but hoped it wouldn't happen. W did in fact file for a D as she said she had. Take a deep breath, rome was not built in one day.
Quote: She just left and she was very nice to me. Don't acknowledge it, let her bring it up, talk to your lawyer quietly, if you have to do any negotiating, kill her with kindness, do not raise your voice, and let the litte things go. Be firm, use lots of I feel statements. I just learn when you are talking to a women, look into her eyes, then her lips, and back. Then watch for body langugage.
Quote: Poepad. I don't know about rubbing her feet. That could have been her goal but I don't know. Mine would ask this, I would say no. Lesson, she would not mention it, if she did not want it.
Quote: When you're on a count down, things look different. I know I've advised others a D is just a piece of paper. I guess I'll have to remember that too. I know there are a lot of success stories from sitch worse than mine. You are making progess, continue to do so, if need be you can delay the D, if she don't.
Poepad. I don't plan on bringing anything up. I'm sure she may know it was in the paper. She called me at work to ask if her brother can crash with us a night or two. She then talked about other things going on in her family. She spoke as if nothing was going on. Over the past few days, she has been very nice to be around and seems to like to come home rather than stay out. She actually seems as if she wants to talk to me and that shows by waking me up.
My cuz told me to chill out. In his words, "she is to confused now that things are in motions. She still wants to be with you but doesn't know how to do it." I hope that 's true. I can help guide her. If it's a pride thing, I'll eat the crap to save things. She does have a pride streak.
I hope I'm making progress. In the back of my head, I know I am. I do sense a change in her. More relaxed. She seems to be running a series of final exams on me. I think the fact that I said I didn't care if her bro stayed was a good step. In the past, I would say yes but be mad and let it show. She asked me did I mind if she went out of town to some craft mart in the next state. I guess she didn't have to ask me anything. She could have said she was at work and unless I went up there....
I see some positive and perhaps shouldn't be upset that the D finally made it to the paper 10 days after she said she filed. When she's gone, I may start reading these Mars & Venus books.
Hi Blackie Hope you are still OK. I think you are doing well.
Quote: My cuz told me to chill out. In his words, "she is to confused now that things are in motions. She still wants to be with you but doesn't know how to do it." I hope that 's true. I can help guide her. If it's a pride thing, I'll eat the crap to save things. She does have a pride streak.
That is really sweet. Pride can get in the way. I think it is right that you need a way out for her that is not just backing down. She may feel she made a serious decision and to go back on it would be sort of fickle. I'm not sure exactly what would work for her. At least she needs to know everything will be different in future and I expect that is what you want too. But don't rush anything as your cuz says chill and give her some space to think things thru.
). But for me to give her something and her not get me something got her mad. We'll see how this plays out.