Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife out till 3;30 in the morning

FYI - I moved my wife out of our home, she hated it, she cried miserably, she knew I finally had enough of her crap and wasn't going to live like this forever - the thought of having to move back in with her parents was awful along with now having to be responsible for the children for a significant portion of the time because I wasn't going to do everything for her 100% of the time anymore.

Actions speak louder than words.

Now she wants back in the house, now she is the one trying to convince me that the relationship is worth a 2nd chance.

My word previous to all of this had no effect.

It was only when I was willing to call it quits and kick her out of the home did she finally realize I wasn't just telling her things had to change, I was making sure they would change FOR ME regardless of her.

Breakaway, you're right, she could move back in at any time legally and she has even mentioned that too a few times but she doesn't want to force her way back, she's trying to earn her way back, she is respecting me now - that's the difference.

breakaway I would love to hear your take on what would be the action you would take if you were in this position.

Breakaway,

Your right. I shouldn't be trying to gather intel its just more of the same abusive controlling behavior. If she caught me. I would be dead. I do have love without hurt and working. i've doing awesome on that side of things. Whatever

Interesting post robx. My W plans on going by the house some time during the week to grab some things. She has been out of the house for a few weeks now - she was at her parent's house, but yesterday decided to move into a house that her brother-in-law owns (free for her while it is still on the market). She still has some personal belongings at the house such as clothes, artwork, etc.....things I could care less about. Do you think it would be prudent for me to pack up all her stuuf in advance and send her a signal?

I already said what action I would take..I would contact people who could best advise me on what action to take after being an abuser, not people who can advise me further on manipulation and control.

JTJ, your wife might be an absolutely horrible, crazy person, I have no idea, but you already know that YOU are still learning how to behave in a nonabusive noncontrolling manner, and this situation is full of landmines for you.

There are men at the MEVAC site who are more than willing to talk with you by phone, for free, that can help you figure this out. I think they would be well qualified to help you continue to learn how to manage this very very difficult scenario.

My personal opinion would be that "throwing her out" as if it's up to you who lives in the house would seem a mistake. Yes you get to choose who you live with, but that is a joint home, you don't get to decide who lives there. File for divorce or separation if you think you need to do that, but a dramatic forcing out will not make her respect you.

Breakaway,

I would like your opinion. I'm in Limboland. I've given her space to heal and do what she needs to do. But when does giving space turn into crossing a boundry and having no respect for me and not loving me.

She has stated that the only reason that I'm here is that I really have no place to go and financially we couldn't stay in the house and would have to move. She could kick me out just as fast because of my previous behavior and has cause to do so.

I believe she is testing me because I said something to her a couple of weeks ago about being out until 3 in the morning.

I love her and realize she doesn't trust me anymore. I also realize she enjoys her single life and doing what she wants to do.

The only way I see this playing out is if I go all they way and get a lawyer, realtor and head in that direction full steam.

She views me standing up to her as more controlling behavior. If I show up with boxes she will kick me to the curb. She has me bent over a barrel and she knows it.

I am working on dealing with my anger, counseling, Love without hurt, praying. I've done a great job in that department. Even my kids have made comments on how well I've done.

This begs the question, How long do I stay?

I can tell her things need to change but I need to do it without coming across as a Controlling SOB. Breakaway is that even possible.

J, I'm just guessing here, about her...but it seems like she hasn't even scratched the surface of healing what's gone on in the past. You really don't have control over that. And she might not be having an affair, she might just be out partying her ass off with other women, and yeah, probably flirting, etc etc. And all the "fun" is possibly just more drowning out her own painful feelings. I can say that...I can imagine myself thinking, oh, you don't want me coming home at 3:30?? Okay then, how about 4:30. That's not appropriate of course, but I think that's what is happening. No she doesn't respect you, she's MAD AS HELL. These are very unhealthy things going on with her. But you cannot underestimate what the previous behavior did to her.

I really really commend your efforts to change. And be so honest about it. I really do. That's why I would hate to see you move backward.

I think if you don't want things to continue as they are, you have to be calm and rational. Putting her stuff on the porch is a manipulation, and says you are the boss, and you know the whole thing will blow up in your face. long run.

If you say things like You don't WANT a roommate You WANT ......it doesn't matter what you say after that. What you want got forfeited earlier in the game, in her mind. But you have the right to say, okay then, but I can't live like this either.

Let me think about it more. My reaction is to sit down with her and tell her the truth. This relationship is totally screwed up, that you don't want a divorce, but you don't want to live this way anymore. You are not trying to hurt her, but this is not what's best for you, for her, or for the kids. It's time to seek separation/divorce. Do not threaten to remove her from the home. You both know that you can't keep the home if you divorce...the court will settle it one way or the other. Don't even go there. It doesn't matter in the long run. If you do, she'll be able to say she knew you didn't really change.

But I will think about it some more...I'm late for something right now!!

I would also suggest a sit down (prepare for her to be defensive and BE prepared to handle it). Let her know that you have come to the realization that the living conditions you are currently dealing with no longer suit you and you feel its best for the family to proceed forward with legalities.

Your W views you as the obstacle to her happiness right now. So, remove yourself totally. Be polite and civil during this talk and under ANY circumstance do not fall back to any old destructive behaviors or patterns.

Before you have this talk you may want to research divorce/separation options in your state. Not as a threat but to show her it can be done in a fair, respectful and private way.

If she brings up money or any other issue that is tied in with divorce (custody, support) kindly let her know that the both of you can discuss it with the attnys to find the best solution.

If she starts to freak out (and she might just to see if you will resort back to your old ways) calmly end the talk and let her know when she is ready to discuss this in a more productive fashion ya'll will continue. Thank her for her time.

You dont think that has already happened in this situation?



How much and how badly did you abuse her in the past?

Million dollar question right now....