I think Jiji has made some solid points here and you should really think about them.
I also think that until W gets a court order to have you LEGALLY removed from your house, and the cop shows up to escort you away, do NOT leave... and if it ever comes up in conversation, tell her you have no intentions of leaving. (You may want to look this up in your DB book, but I would never, ever, ever voluntarily leave. If she wants to leave, fine you can't stop her, but the kids stay in their home).
Keep going. I think you are making excellent progress!! Happy, happy, happy!!!!
Corri
I have really thought on the points made by Jiji. These feeling of guilt will not go away overnight but hopefully they will eventually.
With regard to the house. I've talked to 4 attorneys. My attorney, my folk;s attorney, my grandmother's attorney and finally an attorney I used to throw a little business to. According to them, the only way a judge would make me move is if she went dirty. That is make a false claim of abuse. But to do that would drag the kids in. In the end, according to counsel, if it came down to it, I would get the house. I put down over $15,000 to her $1600.00 She made up a list of behavior and such. According to the female attorneys, I should have...well used it as toilet paper.
As far as the police are concerned, I come from a cop family here. Local, state and one federal. I've already arranged my back up in case she tries to involve the cop friends she has. In fact, I believe on of them has already been told what the deal is.
But... I don't want a war. I hope for peace but prepare for war.
I was asked why I call this a war journal. It comes from my favorite comic book, The Punisher. No I'm not out to punish but this is my comfort zone and I'm a comic geek. I also call it war journal because I'm in an all out war for my angel's heart. I may lose battles and make tactical blunders, but my strategic battle plan seems to be moving forward. With the help of faithful, understading people. FV in particular, I think I will stay on plan.
Anyway.
W has tried to pick fights with me all day. The kids see this and ask why. W has been critical and insulting. My reply, I'm sorry, I'll try to do better. I understand. I count to 20 and keep going. I blow off her attempts at battle as I wonder if they are a test of the new Blackrook.
W tried to make me mad by constantly saying how hot movie star guy is. It doesn't matter to me. I just say yea, if I were a woman I would think so too. Went to pick up Sun Tsu's Art of War. I've read this book many times and now am applying some of the principals to my war.
Hey Blackie, I haven't forgotten about you; I was out of town for a while, though.
It sounds like you are making progress. I know that it seems hard to believe that at times, but things ARE changing around your house. Just the fact that they are getting uglier has to mean something! She is being shaken out of her world, which up to this point was: Blackrook doesn't love or desire me and, therefore, I should leave.
Now that mission statement might not be true anymore but, believe me, she doesn't know what the truth really IS. She doesn't know whether to trust you or run.
I once saw a show where they described this kind of deep hurt as being a hole. And the hurt would not fully go away until the hole was filled up. For your wife, I really believe that her "hole" is feeling un-desired. And that she needs obvious shows of desire and affection to fill it. Now, that would have been a lot easier were you not to the point of separation but you know what...this is what you have to deal with and so you must move out of that gridlock stage of guilt and living in the past.
You are where you are, for a variety of reasons. Some of them hers, some of them yours. I know she wants to live in the past--I did that too with my husband. I absolutely refused to move into the present and deal with what IS; I wanted to stay firmly rooted in what WAS. It was because I needed that time to mentally work through the feelings that continuous rejection causes. I couldn't just accept that all of a sudden he DID desire me, any more than I could have accepted (in the beginning) that one little rejection meant that he was losing his desire for me. Does that make sense? It was a CUMULATIVE effect to get to the point of feeling neutered and it was a cumulative effect to get me out of it. He was consistent with his message of love and desire and I did start to melt.
One thing I want to suggest here is to lose the doormat attitude. Women do not find this attractive or appealing. It is a sort of paradox that men don't understand all that well. We want a man who does things around the house, but we do not respect you if you only do it when we bark at you like a dog, and you jump to attention.
Be strong and consistent with your messages to her, Blackie. I think that she wants to trust and love you again but she is very very scared to do so. I think that the advice that the others gave you is excellent! Be a happy and smiling and strong person and she will be attracted to that. I also think it's awesome that you went out and did things for yourself and even better that it seemed to shake her up a bit.
Let me ask you one last thing: How are you prepared to do things differently, when you get her back? What things are going to change, in regards to how you interact with her? Give it some thought because she might need to hear that: "Honey, I know you don't believe that this change is for good, but THIS is the person that I want to be and this is how I'm going to get there..." and then proceed to spell it out for her, what your plans are for permanent change.
This is a very strange situation for you to be in, because (here comes a generalization) men are much more "face-value" type creatures. My H approached it as a broken contract type of thing and, as such, wanted to do a one-time apology that was going to repair it, and then we could move forward from there. I, as a typical woman, needed much more time to stew it over and resent and make him prove it to me, before I was willing to put my heart on the line again. To me, it wasn't a matter of an apology--there aren't words enough to make that kind of hurt go away, anyway. What DID matter was his actions. His actions consistently backed up his words and he has never, NOT ONCE, wavered from that. Him getting back in touch with his sexuality was not something that happened so that I would get happy again, it was something that he did because he wanted it to be an active and consistent part of our everyday lives.
I know you can do this, Blackie. Keep your spirits up and be the strong and happy (and horny) man that she cannot resist!
Thanks Honey. I just logged on during my break. I'm in a room full of people and I feel lonely. Before 8-15-03 I would call my babe or better yet, she would feel the need to call.
I know I have a lot of work to do. I think yesterday was a turning point although it was rough. I have heard not to be a doormat. My mothere while keeping out of this has said the same thing. But I don't want to come back out as the war lord I was.
I just need to plan my next move a little better. We clashed a little this morning but I refused to fight. I do understand the cumlative effect. It was my feeling that she was extremely confused. Old Blackrook has never exposed all of his soul to his W. Quoting Jerry Maguire and actually knowing what you complete means shook her a bit I think. In a way, I felt a wave of happy come after I told her she was my life, then it was replaced with anger. I think she's thinking why didn't you tell me this a long time ago.
Well I need to get my mind back on mission. The guilt is still here but I'll have to deal with it. Wait!!! She just sent me an email. Let me read it and see what it is. Maybe it's more jokes like she sent last week. Then again, maybe it's a slam.
Quote: I, as a typical woman, needed much more time to stew it over and resent and make him prove it to me, before I was willing to put my heart on the line again.
I don't know if it is a male/female thing. I know men who stew with the best of them! I do know, however, that this is a characteristic of mine. Not one I like at all! Been working on changing it and have seen some real benefits for myself as a result. If it is a female characteristic, I sure would like to see us lose it!
Quote: I, as a typical woman, needed much more time to stew it over and resent and make him prove it to me, before I was willing to put my heart on the line again.
I don't know if it is a male/female thing. I know men who stew with the best of them! I do know, however, that this is a characteristic of mine. Not one I like at all! Been working on changing it and have seen some real benefits for myself as a result. If it is a female characteristic, I sure would like to see us lose it!
MPT
This is/was one of my problems, stewing in the bitter juices of my anger for whatever she has done. Looking back, that was a waste of energy and time. I could have used that energy elsewhere. This will sound silly but in the past, if I were mad at her, I would punish her in bed. That is to say take her to the edge and stop. Bring her back, stop a couple times and then boooom!!! By doing that, I felt I got my revenge and she got..... I wish I had done that in the past couple years rather than stew.
Honey. I know how I will/am changing and will put it in writing soon. As far as that steak is concerned, if it were put in front of me right now, I would gobble on the baby(in more ways than one)and take us to the sky..... Uhhggggh. This morning was hard. Aside from the mass confusion, the object of my fetish were looking good. I couldn't take my eyes off. She rolled her eyes and went about her biz. I just wanted to...... Back to work kid.
Wheeeee!!! The ride continues. W starts sending trivial emails about soup and such. Just like old times. Just out of the blue. Came home a little later than I thought, but I figured correctly that she was at well meaning friend's house. No doubt rappin' about the latest events. Hopefully, they tell her to take a chance on the kid.
While putting away groceries, I ask a question that didn't make sense to her. Her reply, "HONEY, why would you ask that." Then she thought about what she said. A Freudian slip perhaps. Looking for small steps everywhere. Tonights gonna be cold, maybe a 3 blackrook night. Maybe, she'll join me. Her side of the waterbed is up to 80. Well, small steps. Tomorrow the ride may very well be going down hill and up.
W was in good but funny mood this morning. She popped in and out of the bathroom as if to see where I was. I don't know what that was about. Should I have gone in or what. W put on sexy shirt that showed her.....Just had to tell her how nice she looked in it. Unlike the other day where I got an enthusiasitic thanks, no comment. She just kept doing her thing.
W called me upstairs. I was hoping she wanted to hop in the sack and say I trust you I love you....Wake up. It happens but not for me. Only wanted opinion on shoes and wiggled toes a bit. I think that was some type of teas. Unfortunately (I think) I didn't have to say I was turned on....there was a physical sign. She turned off after that.
Yay Blackrook! Seems like what you are doing is working. Just be patient and don't expect any over night miracles. However maybe if things are going well you could try being a bit romantic and see what she does. Take it slowly tho.
Quote: Yay Blackrook! Seems like what you are doing is working. Just be patient and don't expect any over night miracles. However maybe if things are going well you could try being a bit romantic and see what she does. Take it slowly tho.
Why, I want it all now. Why can't she be the rare ones Michelle spoke of that change overnight. Back to reality, yea, it took a year to get here, it will take time. I may try the romantic thing later on. I sent her jokes today. Lately we've been emailing jokes back and forth at work. I sent a couple sexual type jokes. She thinks there may be a pattern.
We want a man who does things around the house, but we do not respect you if you only do it when we bark at you like a dog, and you jump to attention.