Update. Hate to be a downer but I want to put my feelings into writing without putting a burden on friends IRL.
Blackrook did a bad thing. While looking for Halloween stuff. BR found another of his picture boxes. I have saved every card my W has given me for the past 10 years. From our first Christmas to our 6 year courtship to our marriage 2 years ago.
I bumped across the ghosts of Halloween past. To see my baby in her Hershey Kiss outfit, her Fruit Of The Loom costume the very first year I met her brought out sad feelings. I was reading her cards again. In them, she said she would love me no matter what. We can handle anything together. Why would she write that s@#t and not mean it. How dare she play with me like that???
Right now I hate her with tears in my eyes wanting her to come through the door and say let's start over. I love her while I hate her. If this is what she's going through, then maybe I have a better chance than I thought to set things right.
She told me once I broke my vows to her. "to love and to cherish." God knows I didn't do this all the time. I did break my vows to her and I feel awful for this. But she's wants to break her vow by getting a D.
Right now, I'm so low. The upside there's nowhere else to go but up.
I think I need to just go out and watch planes land or something. I'm....
Since we're on a BB, there really isn't a whole lot I can do for you... 'cause if I lived anywhere near you I'd drag your ass out of that house and make you go out and have a beer or two.
So. read this -- it's a great story. Maybe it'll help inspire you.
Since we're on a BB, there really isn't a whole lot I can do for you... 'cause if I lived anywhere near you I'd drag your ass out of that house and make you go out and have a beer or two.
So. read this -- it's a great story. Maybe it'll help inspire you.
Keep DBing!!
Corri
Thanks for the concern. I did just that. Shortly after typing this, I went to the folks to visit and see my nephews. I then went to a wings joint and watched the rest of the Notre Dame game. I then came home talked on the phone and sent emails. Then went out to meet ex admin assistant and her friends for drinks. I came home to change to find the W coming home. It seems her friend's wife may not have liked the idea of her and the kids staying. I then took off to meet my cousin and his lady for a couple rounds of pool and beer. This took my mind off things for awhile.
I'll try to DB today as the W is off for the day. Although, she's in a bad mood. What's new??
I would venture a guess at saying your wife is in a bad mood because you AREN'T in a bad mood. You're not sitting around the house, moping and depressed, waiting for her to pay attention to you.
YEAH!!! Good for you. Plaster a smile on that face of yours and continue to act in a bright and sunny manner. People want to be around happy people, your wife included. Whenever you start to feel down, or you feel yourself start to waiver, go back to that success story and read it again.
Keep DBing... vent here when you need to, but at home, you are happy, happy, happy!!
I would venture a guess at saying your wife is in a bad mood because you AREN'T in a bad mood. You're not sitting around the house, moping and depressed, waiting for her to pay attention to you.
YEAH!!! Good for you. Plaster a smile on that face of yours and continue to act in a bright and sunny manner. People want to be around happy people, your wife included. Whenever you start to feel down, or you feel yourself start to waiver, go back to that success story and read it again.
Keep DBing... vent here when you need to, but at home, you are happy, happy, happy!!
Corri
You may have a point there. She seemed a little bummed when I headed out last night. This morning, she asked me how was it. I told her about my night. We then started talking about New Years and whether she was going to have the tradtion or not as I'm to be gone.
Well one thing led to another. I told her how I did a lot of soul searching and can understand her feelings while I can't feel them if the makes any sense. She then went on to tell me how I hurt her and made her think I didn't love her.
I told her that she may never believe it but I have and always will love her. She said "yah, you're right I don't believe you." The talk went on basically it was me talking. I was telling her about the letter I had written. She said she didn't want it. I then told her part of my going to church was to atone for breaking my wedding to cherish and hold and she threw in love.
I then told her things happen for a reason. I told her I come across guys who are where we were 1 year ago. I'm able to warn them about my sith now. I then mentioned I'm coming to a personal break throught that helps me to talk to her like this. She started to cry. I don't know what those tears were.
Anyway, I then told her about me going throuh my memory box. One of the kids came out and dwelled. That broke the momentum. After the girl moved on, the W told me she didn't want to hear about the box, she didn't want to hear about me and my break through. She then said that she just wishes it was over. She then wanted to know how I could want to still stay. I told her I still love her that's how.
Rather than go on the defensive when she told me how I turned things upside down, I validated validated and empathized. Some of the crap she was saying was a re written piece of history.. But I held my DB ground and I'm proud of myself. She then went on to tell me how I don't pitch in around the house, a gripe she made a few weeks ago that I didn't act on. She then said I had stopped cooking. Well I helped clean the joint today with her. I don't know where she comes up with the thought I don't cook but that's where her mind is.
I feel I made my point of remorse and understanding. She just said I shouldn't have pushed her away. I told her we're an ocean apart now but that's not really that far. She then dried up the teas put her shields up and went in.
I think I got through the shields for a second and that's all I needed. It will place a seed in her heart. I also found that she still had all the cards I've given her.
While she said she wanted me gone, I don't feel bad at all and I am keeping the smiley face on. Go Blackrook.
Any advice from you lurker would also be appreciated. Honeypot where ya at???
War Journal Addendum:
Blackrook is back from his fog of self pity. PMA is coming back up to nominal levels after great DB effort. Feedback from today's effort is coming in. I'm an a$$hole. But that's ok. Little one reports he saw mommy sitting in the garage smoking and crying. When asked what was wrong, she replied that a$$hole. As dumb as this sound, I like that. I've been nothing but nice, not doormat here but I validated the heck out of her issues. I told her I understand and how selfish I was. This obviously had some affect on her. The kid said mommy wants to be mad at you but you won't let her in his opinion. Claims I don't cook. Big Italian based dinner on the books for today. I'll bust her belt today. Take that my love. I'll show you who loves ya.
W complained base boards needed to be scrubbed and walked off. Blackrook dropped to his hands and knees and scrubbed. W perplexed. I didn't bother to tell her that on my list of things to do on my day off later this week. That will be our secret.
Little one reports that at party, mommy claimed an item of mine as hers. Her friend(who I'm not sure is an enemy or not) tells her when you're married it's ours. She then quipped not for long and laughed. Friend didn't appreciate joke and moved on.Little one asked how much did I love mommy. I told him I would take death without hesitation if it would save mommy's life. His response was "that's deep."
More to follow. This will be an interesting day and week. I wonder if W will email me jokes this week because "she knows I could use them". In a way, I feel sorry for her, she's all over the emotional map just as I've been. I guess walking in those shoes helps me understand her. I hated her yesterday and loved her to death the next. I'm on auto pilot and letting God do his thing.
Hi Blackrook What you are doing is great but it seems to me you are caught in a mass of guilt. Everybody makes mistakes and some of them are pretty bad, but that is life. You have to learn from them and move on. An ideal marriage is not based on one partner trying desperately to atone for whatever he did to upset his W.
I'm not saying you shouldn't do things to try to please her. But the point is you don't have to prove you love her, you just have to act in a normal loving manner towards her all the time from now on. If you tell her you love her and she doesn't believe it, this says more about her than about the way you are acting.
Yes you treated her badly, but you were depressed and not your normal self. So give yourself a break. At the same time you say "how dare she not know that I love her". Again I think this anger towards her comes from guilt. You know that the way you treated her caused her to feel this way and you feel bad about that. But again give yourself a break. You did not set out to maliciously cause her pain. In fact this was probably a side effect of your own pain. If you can forgive yourself for your mistakes you will be able to feel sympathy for her and treat her with the love she needs to heal.
To make things right you need to be in a positive frame of mind. This is a new era for you, so forget about what is past except in terms of not making the same mistakes again. Treat your wife as you would treat someone who had been hurt before in a difficult relationship. Be kind and reassuring, give her time and space if she needs it. Let her see that you are trustworthy. Be the kind of guy she fell in love with again, and regard the recent problems as a blip. Its OK to apologise for what you did, as long as you remember that was in the past and you are better now. Life is too short for regrets.
I think Jiji has made some solid points here and you should really think about them.
I also think that until W gets a court order to have you LEGALLY removed from your house, and the cop shows up to escort you away, do NOT leave... and if it ever comes up in conversation, tell her you have no intentions of leaving. (You may want to look this up in your DB book, but I would never, ever, ever voluntarily leave. If she wants to leave, fine you can't stop her, but the kids stay in their home).
Keep going. I think you are making excellent progress!! Happy, happy, happy!!!!
Thanks JiJi. It's funny, that's my W's nephew's pet name for her. The little dude can't say her name.
What you say is true. I will have to work on forgiving myself. I do feel extreme guilt in turning a once loving do anything for you, brilliant beautiful, sexy woman into a woman who doesn't feel anything good about herself. It will be hard to ease this guilt. I try to atone to God. I'm sure he knows my heart. When I see her crying like today, my heart breaks. In my heart, I know that she's trying like heck to hate me,but I think she's having a hard time. 10 years is a lot of time to start hating someone that was your life. A week ago, we were watching Jerry Maguire. Previous to this, I thought his "you complete me" statement was laughable. No real guy talks like this. When this scene came on, she shifted several times. Today, I told her the changes I'm going through helped me to understand what that meant. I told her that I feel incomplete without her and I actually told her that she did in fact complete me. She sat there and then threw up her shields. I'm sure she was thinking dayumit Blackrook you a$$hole, why didn't you say this when I needed it the most. I think my saying it now created anger for this reason.
If this pain I feel, the rejection and loss of love is only a fraction of what she felt, I feel even worse. I'll do my best to forgive myself.
W just came in from the grocery full of pi$$ and vinegar trying to pick a fight. Lord give me strength not to fall for this obvious ploy. I think I will kill her with kindness right now.
The old Blackrook would have been off and running for a fight now.
How dare she play with me like that???