Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Am I at this stage?

Ya, not on birth control. Should maybe get on that. We don't use condoms, never had. This is the wierd part of my whole sitch. I'm not on birth control because we wanted another baby. So decided that we wouldn't actively "try" but if it happened it happened. We weren't going to actually plan it, just let it happen. So ya how the heck can you be at that stage in your life one day, and then separated the next? Issues, issues, issues. That's all I have to say about him right now. I haven't actually set boundaries cause we have only spoken once since the whole episode and we were having some family time it wasn't really the time or place. But also for those of you that don't know my H, the main reason for our split is because he feels so much pressure in our marriage. He is a people pleaser and in return feels pressure and the need to please me all the time. I have learned to release that pressure off of him, and give him a more carefree, enjoyable environment when he is around me. Talking to him about sexual boundaries and not getting anything from me until he is home would just piss him off, and put that added pressure on him from me to come home. And I don't want to do that. I would rather just stay away and keep my distance. That "talk" would push him away... I know it.

That's not relevant at the moment. Trust me, the issues you two have right now will be nothing to what you will be talking about if you end up pregnant.

Best-case scenario? He'll accuse you of getting pregnant to trap him into staying.
Worst-case scenario? He'll accuse you of sleeping with someone else to trap him into staying.

As my mother said when I had mixed feelings about our pregnancy scare, "I know plenty of single mothers where the biological father is nothing more than a check in the mail, so don't kid yourself about this being a positive thing."



Rule number one: Walk-away spouses rewrite history to fit their perception of the relationship.



Rule number two: You cannot depend on another person to make you happy, because they will let you down.

To be honest, it looks like learning to release that pressure for him didn't do a damn bit of good, did it?. Your obligation in that respect ended when he decided to handle his stress by cutting and running.



No, that's not what it means at all. Setting a boundary is not controlling his behavior, it's you articulating your needs.





How well have your feelings and intuition about the situation worked for you until now? Did giving in and having sex with your husband improve things at all? Did pushing back and behaving in a way he didn't expect get you closer to what you wanted?

This stuff is counter-intuitive. I know it's hard, because I still have trouble wrapping my head around it. But as long as you indulge his selfish behavior, there is no incentive for him to change.

He will not think about changing until he sees there is a chance that he will lose you.

He will not think about changing until he realizes that his life will involve picking his kids up from your house every other weekend. Or worse, not seeing his kids at all.

(OK, I'm serious now. There's an alt address in my profile. I don't expect you to give me your home address, but if you send me a valid address to mail something, I will send you a copy of The Divorce Remedy because you're killing me here!)

Here's a good quote from Admiral James Stockdale, who described how he survived seven years as a POW:

I was thinking more about unintended STDs. You don't know where his head is right now. Either one of them.

Puppy

I strongly disagree. As Trent said, this boundary is for YOU, not him, and it's either "The Right Thing to Do," or it's not. Whether or not it "pisses him off" is completely irrelevant.

In fact, I'll say this, Britt: until you learn to begin to operate from a position of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What would God Himself have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?", rather than a position of "Will this make my husband angry? How will he react? How will his reaction make ME feel?" . . .

You'll never get anywhere.

Puppy

This is also a good point; just because you have no evidence of, or reason to suspect, an affair does not mean that one isn't going on.

Wow. What would I do without you two? Everyday you open my eyes up a little more! I'm sorry Trent about the DR book, really I would have a copy in my hands if it were possible right now! I just can't find a day to go buy it! I have to travel 2 1/2 hours to the nearest city to get to a bookstore that has it! I am looking for the day! Maybe thursday. I'm free that day. I'm trying to understand the whole BOUNDARY thing. I like the little post of examples, but what would an example be in this situation without making it sound rude or controlling? I need help with this extremely!

"He will not think about changing until he sees there is a chance that he will lose you."

You are right Trent. This is a perfect sentence! It was like last week when he had to be here at home and i was running around like I had some new great life it bothered the heck out of him that's when this whole thing started to turn around for me. Since day one my H has thought I'm there no matter what, I have never given him and idea to think otherwise. So for him he can do what he wants say what he wants, take as much time as he wants, cause he knows I'll always be there. Well surprise! As soon as I showed him otherwise he began to fret. That day he expected me to be at home all day with them, cooking their meals, helping out with the children. He even expressed that to me then quickly put his foot in his mouth. And I caught him. So thanks Trent. Excellent piece of advice.

PDT,
The part you mentioned about doing the "right" thing to do is also an excellent piece of advice. That is what I am working on right now with my MC. I right now live too much in fear. I base all my decisions and actions on fear. But if I ever R with H, our marriage will continue to be based on fear and that will not be a healthy marriage whatsoever. I think its because I want a quick success. The longer I prolong things be making him angry, or giving him reasons to pull back, the longer this R will take place and that's what scares me. Christmas is coming, and I want nothing more than for him to be home by then. I'm not sure if setting a timeline is good or bad. I can just imagine the responses I get from that comment. But its true.

My new goal for this week is to set that boundary. Now should I set it no matter what? Or only if he tries to pursue something? Not sure. I don't just want to jump right out there and throw it in his face unless there is a reason?

I was serious about contacting my alt email address. Do eet!



This is what I posted before:

"I know that you have a lot that you're thinking about right now, but the kids and I need to have some stability in our lives. So until you decide to move back in full-time, I don't feel it's a good idea for us to be romantic."

This might be more to the point:

"I know that you have a lot that you're thinking about right now, but I'm getting really confused by the on-again, off-again intimacy. So until you decide to move back in full-time, I don't feel it's a good idea for us to be romantic at all."



You seem to have grasped the essence of the problem. Your marriage is not in a healthy place; but this is a good opportunity to work on getting rid of the bad parts and keep the good parts.



The only response I have is that you have no way of making him do this. You have no control over it, so there's no use hoping for it. Read the Admiral Stockdale quote I posted again -- the ones that couldn't make it are the ones who set arbitrary goals that they had no control over and let themselves get beaten down when those goals weren't met.



There is a reason; you had sex with him, then he blew you off for a day after he said he'd call. Tell him that it really threw you out of whack, so you need some emotional stability.

Trent, kind of embarrassing but I didn't really get the quote till you put in in better terms for me...hehe...so thanks. But now it makes sense. I realize I have no control over my H, and the more I set up these goals in my mind, and the more that my H doesn't meet them, the more I will feel beaten down. So thanks. Its almost like I know all this stuff, I get everything, everything makes complete sense to me, but its actually putting it into action and really doing it is the hard part right now. The detaching thing for example. I understand it, I know how to do it, its just actually doing it that I can't come to terms with. So frustrating! That is true though, he did have sex with me and did blow me off for a day because I didn't fit into his plan that day, but then the following day when he was "bored" I fit in again, so he invited me to hockey. Now its been two days again, and I haven't heard from him. Ugh. No more! I can't wait to tell him this is not the way things are going to be. Just the sexual part I'm talking about. But then again, maybe it was a one time thing and he will not be expecting anymore. Maybe I just gave him his fix.! Its been 4 or 5 days and he hasn't mentioned a word, so for all I know he used me. It was just hard to understand at the time cause of the two hour talk we had a bout the future before it happened. And the cuddling and non-sexual intimacy we shared before "it" happened. Oh well. I can't sit and wonder what his reasons were and what he's thinking. I've got to GAL!