Matilda, I did take her out for dinner for her birthday. She was on good behavior. The conversation was pleasant. She has a hard time slowing down to relax, and twice went outside to smoke. I think she enjoys the activity of a group better than one-to-one. I feel like I have to be attending to her most of the time. My parents send money for anniversaries and birthdays, so we went to a favorite restaurant, and didn't worry about the money (I didn't and she did). We ran into her father-in-law, who wished her happy birthday. When the check arrived, the bill was paid for, courtesy of him. I sacrificed a night of dancing for her, and was happy to do so.
I visited a neighborhood church this past weekend, only about a mile from where I live. I haven't been to a church in several years. The last church I went to is about a 25 minute drive from where I live. This church and denomination emphasizes simplicity. The service includes a message from the minister,and quiet time in which people can speak if they feel inspired to. It's different from the more programmed services I've been accustomed to. I stayed afterward to introduce myself. My religious background is similar to some of the people there, so I think I will fit. One of the course offerings is spiritual writing, so I think I'll start attending.
My W has been fretting about money again. She woke up yeaterday anxious, telling me that she's been preoccupied. One of her credit cards doubled her interest rate. She's feeling pinched in term of cash flow. I seldom talk about the finances, because I know it stresses her out. I think she's worried, because she may be laid off from her job due to the state budget.
She sent me an email weeks ago with an idea to pay down her credit card balance, and then pay her back at zero interest. I was reluctant, because I think it's more important to change one's spending habits. However, I could see that it's affecting her quality of life, so I emailed her with a counterproposal, using her idea. I decided it was more important to compromise with her, being rigid about my beliefs.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You two certainly make an interesting couple! Email seems to be the way your wife prefers to communicate about stressful issues. Since you mentioned your "wife's father-in-law" I gather she was married before? (otherwise it would have been your father paying the bill). Just being nosey I guess.
Would love to hear more about the spiritual writing class at the new church you found.
It is good to hear you had a nice time with your W on her Birthday. You have done so well at detaching that Im'e jealous! I am getting better though I feel.
I have noticed that even though you are keeping your boundries but still open to compimise with W and I think thats great. Hopefully she will see just what she has with you.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, Aud, and Matilda, I visited the neighborhood church again, last week. They were having a book sale. I found Bones Would Rain From the Sky: Deepening our Relationships with Dogs by Suzanne Clothier. If you look at the chapter titles, it looks like a marital self-help book. This dog trainer focuses on relatonship versus technique. She believes that developing a relationship with a dog is a process of experimentation, with the foundation being our good intentions. This is what we also practice with DB.
I bought a copy of Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline. He was quoted in the service brochure, so I decided to start with him. I decided to start exploring religion from this denomination's perspective. I'm willing to be open-minded. I'm not looking to debate anyone, or to think in terms of black-white, right-wrong. I'm looking to explore and compare new ideas with my existing ones, and practice in different ways to see what those experiences are like.
Journaling, increasing connection in the dance community, practicing dance skills, growing in relationship with my dog, trying-out this new religious community, and trying to detach, but also achieve the highest quality relationship possible with my W at this time should keep me busy.
I may have found the missing puzzle piece to my back problem. I've been struggling with lower back pain since May. Daily walking, yoga, natural antiinflammatories, and chiropractic have all helped, but the pain and stiffness had become a regular part of my life. I thought maybe I was getting arthritis. I decided to return to a Pilates class, at the gym where I go. The difference was significant. It appears that I need to tone my core area. This last week is the most relief I've had in five months.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 10/10/0911:40 AM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Your awareness and choice to persevere reminds me of a quote that hit me between the eyes last week:
"To see and know the worst is to take from Fear her main advantage." -Charlotte Bronte
You know what you face in your M, and you're basing your choices off that knowledge. I hope you find enlightenment in your religious searching, unconditional love in your R with your dog, improved health in your exercise efforts, and miracles in your interactions with your W.
Aud, Matilda, and Jak, Thanks for the encouragement. I like the quote you shared, Aud. I've also heard a similar approach to fear described as inviting the devil to tea, instead of reacting in our usual ways.
I joined my W and a few of her friends for a night of latin dancing. The four of us took a 50 mile road trip to a venue in the next city. My W seemed happy that I chose to spend a Saturday evening with her. It was an enjoyable evening.
She helped me with my class moves last weekend. I'm learning the Hustle this month. It's a difficult dance, as the first step isn't until the second beat. She is complimentary of my dancing, and seems to have a higher opinion of my dancing than in past years. She enjoys dancing with ballroom dancers who have an appreciation for technique.
She had a tantrum one weekday morning. She gets frustrated about the uncompleted household chores, running out of certain household items, and fretting about money. She has been putting more effort into household cleaning on her days off (she works part-time). Her mother comes over weekly, and they spend some mother-daughter time keeping-up with household chores. I realized that my morning routine was going to be broken, let her vent, ran to the grocery store at 6AM to pick up some bread and milk, and helped her with some housecleaning. She threatened to stop letting the dog stay home one day per week, to help limit his daycare expense, but I wouldn't let her back-out of her commitment. She calmed down by the time I left for work.
She continues to spend several nights a week and part of the weekend running around with her friend. She called me late at night one evening, complaining that her friend was having a tantrum, and that she was taking a cab home. She got out of his car, and walked to the dance venue, in a rough neighborhood, and made arrangement with a friend for a ride home. She went out to dinner with her friend the next night. They never made it to the restaurant, as he got lost again, because he refused to use the GPS system, and forbid her to call me for directions.
Self-care activity this week included a church service, walking my dog most early evenings, dance practice with my W, dance lesson, my weekday dance venue, morning journaling, reading, morning stretching and exercise, and a Pilates class.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I am getting better though I feel. 