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Aud,
I had my IC session yesterday. I haven't seen him since last July. I'm glad that I'm getting live support from someone who knows my situation, as it seems like there is some potential for connection and change with my situation. I want to handle it as skillfully as possible.

He made some interesting observations:

He thinks my W's relationship with the puppy is telling. He thinks that if we had children, it would be the same. I would be the one connected to the children, as she has a low tolerance for the work involved.

He thinks my W has intimacy issues, and that her way to connect is sexually.

He recommended a DVD movie called Fireproof. It's about a troubled marriage. I'll look into it.

He advocated for calling the police, or leaving the premises when she has her long, intense rants. I don't agree with calling the police, as I don't fear for my physical safety.

I'll approach it as IC, and my space for now. If my W shows interest in going, I won't discourage it. I would be surprised if she came, as I don't think she wants to be confronted on her issues. I'm going to go bi-weekly.

I'll have to figure-out how to approach her curiosity about what happens in the sessions. I don't think she needs to know every thing that was said. My guideline will be to reveal to her only what I think would be helpful.

I'm going to emphasize respectful communication as the theme of therapy at this time. If she asks about intimacy, I'll tell her that respectful communication must occur first for intimacy to develop. It may be obvious to me, but she may need (as you pointed out) this pointed out to her.

I bought my W flowers for Valentine's Day. I didn't include a card, as I don't know what to say. We have a dinner reserved tonight, but she was hesitant about going. We'll see how it plays out.

CL

OH CL I just don't know how you do it.
I have just noticed you first posted over 5 years ago! You deserve a Sainthood I am sure or just plain old certifying-lol.
You got her flowers as well and a dinner res. Here I am I have spent the day alone and I will spend the night alone-sigh. No cards no flowers, your wife doesn't know how lucky she is.

I am curious about your dog, btw good point about kids/dog thing. I guess God knew she wasn't mother material.
Now the dog, you call him sheep puppy dog, is he an Old English Sheep dog or a Border Collie or neither of those? just wondering thats all.

I hope your wife is appreciative of the flowers and meal.
Take care.

Naej,
My dog is a Bergamasco sheep puppy dog.

My W made plans to attend the dinner with someone else. She had told me a week ago that we wouldn't be going together. I am disappointed, but am thankful that she is honest that she is not ready to have dinner with me. A Valentine's dinner may be too much pressure for both of us.

I did get her flowers, so am happy with my effort at goodwill. She hasn't said anything, but that's OK. I wanted her to have flowers for Valentine's Day.

She did ask me to resume dance practice with her. I have an open invitation to practice. I simply need to ask. I've been told to be on very good behavior.

I'll plan on going out dancing later this evening to the same venue she will be going to, and will plan on dancing with her. We were out dancing earlier this week so expect that she will dance with me.

I found out that she has joined a Spanish translation group, that meets twice per month. I'm glad to see her moving forward with her Spanish skill development.

I was out practicing ballroom dances last night at a studio venue. I got to dance with some ladies who are always happy to see me (including one who's husband gets to take a break), and expand my network.

I'm forced to ask new ladies to dance, when my W isn't there, so it's good for me to go solo, and take responsiblity for developing my own skills, and network. I can focus on practicing, and not have to worry about whether or not my W is having a good time or not.

I couldn't find a thread for you, Naej. I'd be happy to keep up with your situation.

CL

Hi CL, I no longer have a thread. I left the bb some years ago and returned because someone asked me to look at a certain poster and I am sort of still here.
I think my time is coming to an end tho,most if not all my bb friends have left or got banned.

I have never heard of your dog breed I must look him up.
I am away for a week so take care and enjoy your dancing.

naej,

Would you come back to my are you there 25yrs mlc thread plse?

Good job on the flowers, CL! I am sorry your wife did not join you for dinner. Hope she's not out for another "sleep over" since you are trying so hard to reconnect!

When is your next IC?

I'm glad you're still dancing!

Matilda,
It's a confusing time. On the one hand my W is resuming her sleeping elsewhere pattern. On the other hand, she complains that I'm having too good a time dancing with other ladies, and that I need to smile more with her. She's sleeping elsewhere while keeping an eye on me.

The difficult dance in which I imploded, when the sleeping elsewhee restarted has affected her a great deal. She's afraid to be in a close space with me.

I have to work on not being distracted by the sleeping elsewhere, and focus on our R and on myself. Last year, she slept elsewhere and was indifferent to me. This time, she seems to want to connect but is afraid to.

My therapist thinks I tolerate too much, and keeps recommending setting strong limits. I guess it's helpful to hear alternative solutions. If I experiment with his approach, I'd have to be willilng to live with the consequences.

She's asking for respectful communication, so I will provide it. She seems to be working on some of her issues in her own way.

I keep filling-up my Ipod with Buddhist podcasts to keep me grounded. You can download many of them for free from ITunes.

I've committed to meet with my IC bi-weekly.

CL

Yes, your wife IS confusing! Interesting what you wrote: sleeping elsewhere, but keeping an eye on you. Hopefully the counseling and your own style will get you through this rough spot!

CL...your wife needs to hear that you have the right to have your own feelings about her actions--she has no difficulty pointing out how your actions affect her.

I think there is a respectful way to do it, but saying nothing could be giving her the impression that the sleeping elsewhere and cold shoulders are okay with you (which to me, would send an unconscious message of DISrespect...like you really don't much care). Setting boundaries doesn't mean you have to be in conflict all the time, and something you'll learn with dog training is that basic boundaries are vital to a good relationship with your puppy. I think that applies in Rs as well.

Yes, you would have to be willing to live with consequences if you decided to implement strong boundaries. I guess the question becomes: which is worse? Living with the consequences of her bad behavior now, or living with the possible positive or negative outcome of your effort to communicate YOUR needs to her?

I think we can safely add to your list of needs: 1-respectful two-way communication 2-discontinue sleeping elsewhere. I am positive there is a way to approach this in your own style, as Matilda says.

Matilda and Aud,
I resist advice that has a zero tolerance tone to it. I consider that an effort to control the other person. I'm glad you think and appreciate the validation that there is a way to begin to set boundaries in a respectful manner, consistent with my style.

I think you're right. The first step in setting boundaries is to articulate what my expectations are--respectful communication and no sleeping elsewhere. As you say, it can be done in a nonthreatening tone. It doesn't have to be cease and desist or else. I recall from reading DR, that it's about asking for what you want, not demanding.

I'll think about how to integrate my expectations into our communication. One way would be to send her an email after each IC session, giving her a status update about where I'm at, or sharing insights, or new perspectives, or anything I think would be helpful for her to know. I think the written form will allow me to control tone and content with sensitive topics.

I think she's participating in my IC session the same way she participates in our R--from a distance while keeping an eye on it. I like the idea of giving her edited information about the session and my perspective as a way of being proactive, and getting my opinions more into the R.

The problem with setting limits in a M, is that you are legally intertwined. It's not like we're boyfriend and girlfriend, where I can leave at any time. It's like pulling a fire alarm; I better be serious if I want to pursue a D, because I can't stop the alarm from ringing at that point. I'd like to think I can put this fire out on my own, with my own fire extinguisher (skills), without having to call a fireman or woman (attorney).

I think this is the part of the journey where I need to summon some courage.

CL