Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Is it time to start piecing?

So, the dynamic seems to have changed. I have been working on detachment for the last several weeks. And, then, it just happened. Inexplicably, I reached a point where I just don't care what eventually happens. I'm not giving up, I just no longer will invest any of my energy in being concerned with what W eventually chooses to do.

The issue is that I can sense my feelings for my W waning. I can appreciate the whole my love bucket is empty thing. This is not something I am doing intentionally, just something I notice.

Is it a common issue for the LBS to reach a point of not wanting the WAS anymore? At some point, if the WAS does not indicate somehow that they want to work on the M, I can see how the LBS could have a change of heart.

Maybe this is the wrong board for this particular issue, but I appreciate any input.

Quick update. Have a "date" with my W later this month. She and I are big Food Network fans, and Alton Brown is taping a 10th Anniversary show at a local performing arts centers. I picked up tickets and have set up the sitter.

Per Coach's advice, I called W yesterday to let her know I had the tickets and that I was excited. But, I didn't invite her, yet. She obviously assumed she would be going since she asked me what date it was.

Got home, didn't talk much about the tix, then told her I had the sitter lined up and all she had to do was show up.

She was happy I got the tix, but she didn't act overly excited (not down either). But, I'm not worrying about her reaction.

Great, remember, no expectations!

GIMA, I think it is very common for this to happen. Just read the many sitch's on this board. WAS announces they're not happy and plans to leave the LBS. Many times an A is involved. Haven't been happy for years, blah, blah, blah.

LBS picks themselves up off the floor and begins to GAL and plan for their future without WAS. WAS sees this and begins to think they made a mistake, but still leaves LBS in limbo. LBS begins to figure out they deserve more than what they're getting and detaches more. WAS sees this and doesn't like it and gradually begins to start heading back more towards the marriage, but the LBS has got to the point the WAS was at when they dropped the bomb.

Question is, can/does the original LBS want to give marriage a try and if so, do they have the patience necessary for BOTH the WAS' and LBS' feelings to return?

If I could give you some advise...decide what you want. If it's to save your marriage, set a deadline for yourself. Decide that you will have all the patience in the world and not PUSH anything, but take it as it comes for that time period. Then evaluate where you are as a couple. During that time period, no wishy washy thinking allowed. You're in it 100% for that time period. When it's over, see if there's been progress and if so, decide if you can go longer and set another deadline. If there's been progress but you've run out of gas, make your decision then.

Hope this helps.

That's great advice. My C (last saw last week) said he could see a time when I would need to bring things to a head if W doesn't. Otherwise, I will reach a point where I no longer want her.

I still find it odd that W has not brought up any R or D talk since April. Who know why, but it does seem odd.

GIMA,

I know it seems like an eternity, trust me, I know, but from your sig line it's only been since April that the bomb was dropped. That's no time in things like this.

Like I posted to you before, my W had an A that ended in April 08. Whether there's an A involved or not, for it to only be since April with any WAS is nothing. Not what you want to hear, but it's fact.

My W didn't start even talking to me for 2 months after her A ended. 6 months later she couldn't even tell me she wanted to TRY. It's been over 17 months since the A ended and we finally seem to be getting over the hump. It was a good 9 months after her A ended that I started to see a change in her feelings.

That's why I advised setting a deadline for yourself. If you analyze every action/conversation every time they happen, you'll drive yourself nuts. You have to look at your relationship over LONG periods of time and judge how things are. Because in those long periods of time there will be things that make you go WTF? But overall, things may be improving.

Don't worry about no R talks. In fact, that's a good thing. And it's even better that she hasn't mentioned D. Her not mentioning D means she's not sure of what she wants. And that gives you more time to make an impression on her that makes her want to stay.

Look, she didn't get into WAW mode over night and she's not going to get out of it overnight either. She was SO SURE she wanted to walk away that she dropped the bomb on you. For those feelings to change it will take TIME.

I suspect, right now, she's having second thoughts on the marriage and is just observing. Women do that. Observe. And that's a good thing for you. Not mentioned D in 4 months. Good. She's confused. 4 months ago she was SURE what she wanted, but now, not so much.

NO PRESSURE. Be there for her when she'll accept you being there and when she's not in the mood for you, GAL, give her the space she needs.

Can't promise it'll work, but if you're not going to give her an ultimatum (and the risks involved), it's the only way.

Hope this helps.

Hope4us,

I agree with everything you said. I know it has only been 4 months. It's probably just my impatience creeping in.

In the 4 months, I have seen a change in W's demeanor, tone of voice, and interest in me. She is no longer angry at me, she seems to initiate conversations often (not always), and seems interested to talk to me. This past weekend, she pulled back some, but that could have been b/c she did not understand her role in relation to me being at my grandfather's funeral.

I am not ready to give up on hte M or issue an ultimatum. So, I will push back on the impatience and keep moving forward.

One question. At this stage, since we seem to no longer be in hte LRT, should I continue with hte absolute no pursiong. I have been following this, but will occasionally initiate sending her IM's (she has done this too). I am not contemplating chasing her - NO WAY. Just feels like it's time to begin to reach out to her to some limited degree (hence why I started this thread here).

Ok, Here's what I did.

Until W started talking with me, initiating conversations with me, I only talked to her about the kids or finances or household stuff (groceries, etc).

When I started to notice her warming some, I didn't immediately start pursuing even in the smallest way. Respond to her when she initiates, but for a while, let her drive the ship.

Then, slowly, ever so slowly, start to initiate yourself. Make them short and sweet. Almost like drive by IM's etc. Whatever you do, don't push it. But take your clues from her. If she's in a talkative mood, go a little further. If she isn't, drop a "I can tell you're busy, I'll let you go" on her and get the F out of the conversation.

Always, always be the first to end things. Even if the convo is going great, make it seem like you've got places to go and people to see.

If you sense a pull back, then pull back yourself. I did probably a dozen mini-LRT's on my W. Heck, did one this past week. And it only took her a couple of hours to reel me back in. So if you sense she's getting a little uncomfortable with all the interaction, pull back.

And expect pull backs from her. My W has had at least 3 major pull backs and more minor ones than I can count. Seems like it's part of the process. They start getting comfortable and then realize, "Hey, this can't happen, I don't like H and want a D". So they pull back. But that all seems to be part of the process they have to go through.

Again, let her drive the ship. And then monitor the results.

But whatever you do, DO NOT PUSH IT. I can only guess where we'd be right now if I hadn't got so darn giddy when I'd sense her moving towards me and pushed things and then there'd be a pull back.

And NO R TALKS. There'll be a time for those, but now isn't it!

Hope this helps.

Thanks Hope. And yes, it DOES help.

I think I often underestimate just how long it took my W to get where she was (and sort of is). So, I expect things to move along on MY time frame. I know that's wrong.

I will just re-double the work on me and, particularly, my patience. I have a "date" with my W on the 29th, so I will make that the next marker of time towards which I will work.

Thanks again. It really helps.

Just wanted to give you a little more encouragement.

I saw in your sig line that your W sleeps in a separate room.

My W slept on the couch for pretty much a year and a half. There were times a good 6 months after her A ended that she would recoil at me even touching her in any way. 9 months ago she moved back into our bed, but it was still another few months before she let me touch her in bed.

But here we are, 17 months post A and we ML on a semi regular basis, she is interested in ME and my day. She gets a smile on her face when she sees me. Heck, just today I happened to be driving near her office around lunch time so I called her and we had lunch together. This is the same woman that a year and a half ago told me she didn't want me anywhere near her office and she did NOT want to see me during the day. Or the night for that matter.

So it can work. It takes patience like I never believed was in me. I sometimes think God was teaching me a lesson. A lesson that I still have to make the effort to remember. Patience.

Hope this helps.