So, tomorrow I plan on being a happy, joyous, PMA stepfather, father in law, and grandpa (how could I not? I haven't seen the baby yet and haven't seen BestStepDaughterInTheWorld in 15 months!)
Wife? I will acknowledge her joy - it is her first blood grandchild; I already have two. I will treat her like an amicable co-worker at the water cooler but otherwise I will not initiate and will engage very little. I'll let her see the new, somewhat improved me and some of the old, good me that's been AWOL. I plan on looking impeccably sharp and fully prepared for all that to mean absolutely nothing to her.
No expectations other than to surprise and enjoy the hell out of baby, StepD, StepD's partner, and StepS.
Advice solicited and gladly accepted.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Oh, what a wonderful, wonderful day! 7:30 am flight. Got to O'Hare 9:ish and to BestStepDaughterInTheWorld's neighborhood by 10:00. Hung around, had breakfast and shopped and got flower for baby, Bouquet of roses for daughter, 2 roses for wife, chocolates, cigars for the men-folk (and daughter!) Took my time since i was unsure when wife and stepson were arriving and didn't want to steal their thunder (plus wife should see granddaughter first).
Well, they were surprised, shocked and pleased. I haven't held a 7-day-old baby in about 4 years (last grandson) and is anything in life more ...more...sacred than that?. I cried (I'm getting so sentimentally weepy last couple of years.) Haven't seen stepdaughter in 15 months!!!, so, much hugging and sweet cheek-pecking, all around.
Stepdaughter put her roses and baby Adeline's pink rose in vases. Wife took her two roses from me and laid them on the chair next to her. Oh well.
A splendid time was had by all, though wife seemed to hold back. Maybe because she spent so much time holding Adeline. I left after three hours (and after the ritual cigar-smoking) to let them all get on with their planned day.
As everyone hugged good-bye, I said to wife, "You know, lately we hug everybody hello and good-bye except each other. I think that's kind of silly," and held open my arms and approached her. Unfortunately, she rolled her eyes and gave me a kinda dead-fish fine-here's-your-hug hug, but I did notice she immediately ran into the next room. And so I l went on my way.
I only did it (the hug) because I was thinking on the flight out that if any two should embrace (pending D or not) it should be us. Sure there's a lot of water over the dam, but it was loving, living waters for over fifteen years; only got toxic in the last year or so.
Even so, even though SSon and SDaughter looked impressed by it, I probably shouldn't have done it. It's always me trying. She of the dead eyes and disdainful expression (and two roses tossed on the chair next to) her initiates nothing.
But in keeping with my reading of The Four Agreements (thank you, Gypsy), I am more and more amazed at how "Don't Take Anything Personally" (even D, perhaps?) is so very liberating.
We all had fun. I'm so glad I went (last minute Priceline White Plains, NY to Chicago non-stop/round trip $120!
Happy, tired Gardener.
P.S. More and more I know I'm going to be fine after D, but I sense that my dear friend is going to be in for a big fall. Don't know exactly why; I just sense it.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
... I sense that my dear friend is going to be in for a big fall. Don't know exactly why; I just sense it.
I think your right. Maybe five years down the road but she will eventually wake up and say WTH happened.
I've always interpreted the stand off behavior as some sort of defense mechanism. WAS are very interested in maintaining appearances and making us know nothing has changed. Sure there is some deep routed psychology behind it somewhere.
Glad you had a good trip. Flowers were nice. Not sure you had much of an option. You would have looked like an a$$ if you gave to everyone but your W.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
I've always interpreted the stand off behavior as some sort of defense mechanism. WAS are very interested in maintaining appearances and making us know nothing has changed. Sure there is some deep routed psychology behind it somewhere.
Oh, definitely, Bart. I see her right behind those cold dead eyes: She's afraid to come out and play because she'll be damned if she's gonna be hurt again!
Originally Posted By: CBart
Flowers were nice. Not sure you had much of an option. You would have looked like an a$$ if you gave to everyone but your W.
You're right of course: I couldn't not bring her flowers as well. Among other reasons, my beloved step-kids are always watching.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Happy to hear the visit went wonderfully! I for one am proud of how you handled the situation - You didn't allow yourself to be drawn down to her level - Congrats again and beautiful job
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
That's actually an interesting book, I read it, my STBXW actually gave it to me to read.
What I find interesting about this book, and other self help books by various authors, is they seem to be just different ways of pointing out the same information. In general how to become 'self actualized', etc.
Although, It's interesting that my STBXW seems to have found through her work that she needs to throw away our MR to get where she needs to be, but I can not control that, or how she interprets how, why and where she needs to be, to become what she wants to be..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
