Quote: How about he really IS confused as heck...wondering HOW in the WORLD could you ever really take him back after this??? I think KAW said something similar a few weeks back..that he's looking back across the burned bridges and wondering if he can make his way back
Thus scared as hell to let the OW go...in case you just laugh in his face and say..."how does it feel, loser" !!! there are days when this is exactly what I want to tell him, in fact in my drive home I did call him a loser
Is that crazy? Yes. Is it weak? YES. I don't know, but I sense your H really testing your waters so to speak...I think he's torn up inside at the thought of you moving on to a new life, new love without him. is it because my actions speak louder than words, I'm trying to be happy and like KAW I believe also said, maybe he can't see that I'm just happy, that there has to be a reason for my happiness--another man
I think He's PROJECTING a lot of his own ambivalence on to YOU...Fair?...NO!!! no it's not fair, I don't think it's fair at all. In all the time we were together I never treated him as crappy as he's treating me now!!
I mean the comments about you not wanting to do things with him any more...talk about a pity party!! As insane as it is...it looks like he's looking for reassurances from YOU! BUT, I do ask him to do things with me, he automatically says now, so maybe I'll take Deb's advice and ask in a different way, rather than just asking say it in a way that gives him time to think about the question, rather than saying "do you want to" "would you consider"
I also posted to Deb, that I think when he finds out I have plans for a weekend, he then tries to make plans to do something, and then tells me he has plans--subtely meaning see I have things to do, too!! And then regrets it, has to call me a thousand times on Monday because he feels so guilty, to see if things are still status quo in his mind anyway.
Quote: Now there are choices you can make here...keep offering him reassurances, keep reaching out, keep the bridge lowered.
The bridge is on the ground, I can't give up this easily can I? I won't give up this easily
Okay since I'm so early I'm off to walk on my treadmill and watch Monday's episode of Las Vegas. Love that show!!
Quote: ...keep offering him reassurances, keep reaching out, keep the bridge lowered.
How do I keep offering him reassurances, maybe I'm not getting it as as I thought I was offering him reassurances Is it because he has to feel around and get reassured the only way he knows how? Or that I should offer them myself as I'm not sure how to do that either, it seems to make him thing everything's okay the way it is then doesn't it? I have to keep living my life, I can't sit at home and wait for H to come home. Is that what he's thinking I should do now?
Other than come right out and say H I'm waiting for you to come home, until then there's really not a lot we can do to work on OR, is there? BUT, I can't pursue him, I can't bring up OR talks, I can't put pressure on him, I can't tell him I still love him and care about him becuase it makes him feel GUILTY and BAD about himself!
We're still going in circles, aren't we and I guess it's up to me to figure out how to stop THE MADNESS!
Thanks for your insights Shiny, you can really cut through it all and get the meaty stuff. You make total sense and it's the rollercoaster ride from hell that sets my head spinning some days.
At least I didn't call H yesterday and vent/spew to him, which is a 180. I learned from the fourwheeler incident in August, so I am learning to come here and spew....I'm so grateful for this BB.
Who knows this could all turnaround for the better today, things just change so quickly.
Cathy, I want to thank you for posting over on my thread! You opened my eyes. I'm letting the OW have my H and that is going to quit, I let her have too much control over our lives. I wouldn't call my H on the cell phone over the weekend because I didn't want to interupt them, what the heck am i thinking! As long as H doesn't say I can't call, then I'm going to. Put a little pressure on her and show her, he IS STILL MY H!
Hmmmm, I never call H at OW's house, just becuase I don't want to hear her voice. I don't usually talk to H on the weekends either, I leave messages on his cell phone if I need him that bad, which I don't. He hardly ever calls me from her house either, if he does he really doesn't want to talk too much or there have been times when he's called from there, but hangs up before I can get to the phone.
Quote: Put a little pressure on her and show her, he IS STILL MY H!
Oh I think OW knows H is still my H and she doesn't like that H is still my H or maybe she just doesn't care. I try not to give too much thought to her, she's a poisonous drug in my mind and therefore isn't human. OW will screw up on her own eventually.
Quote: Other than come right out and say H I'm waiting for you to come home, until then there's really not a lot we can do to work on OR
That's exactly the R talk you should have. If there was a DAY that really became a 'turning point' of real worth in my H's fog....it was the day I told him exactly that.
Somewhere in one of my old posts the conversation is given...but to sum it up....the day I told him that I realized he was confused and unsure of what he wanted and needed in his life and that I loved him and I would be working to make my life better while he worked to find his own answers for HIS life and happiness but that I would 'try' to still be there for him if he found at the end of his search that it was me and our life together that he really needed. It was words to that affect...he cried, he actually thanked me...he was sincere. I think that promise of freindship took the pressure off. Then I stepped back and stopped ALL R talks and every time I saw him after that I WAS like a freind to him...and he began coming around and acting 'better' more often. T2
Maybe you're right and maybe tonight is the night. He did ask me on Monday if I thougt our "marriage was saveable" so maybe we can revist that question tonight.
You know I really feel like I need to tell him this, I haven't and so maybe this is the "reassurance" he's looking for that can let him relax. And also include the "I will try to still be here if in the end you did decide I am the one you want to be with"
With all the back and forth, cheeseless tunnels, mindreading, assuming, accusations, you said this, you didn't say that, drama of the last few weeks this might be what is needed. I know that I do look to you all here for my answers and for encouragement and suggestions on what I should do, but this one T2 is the one that feels right in my heart and needs to be said. Can I steal your words??
Having second thoughts....it might easier to put the words in a card? When I have to talk with H face-to-face my words never come out the way I want them to or maybe this should be something I do face-to-face and just really slow myself down and really concentrate on what I'm saying...am I pathetic or what actually this would be a 180 to do it face-to-face.
If this was a friend, I'd have no problems with saying anything, I can talk so much more freely with my friends as they don't take everything so personally and look for the hidden meanings...
But what he REALLY wants to know is CAN YOU REALLY ever forgive him for what he's done.
It took me a year or more to figure that out. When they're telling us that they don't think they can 'go back' to what we had...what they're really saying to themselves is "I have breached the most sacred trust imaginable and I can't believe she'd EVER trust or believe in me again and I cannot live with THAT."
It's really THIER insecurity and fears that WE will never really be able to love them again that keeps them at bay it's thier fear of our rejecting them ultimately. They're to confused and conflicted that's it's hard for them to see that for themselves.
T2
PS NO DAMN CARDS...Loving someone is NEVER having to pay Hallmark to say what's really in YOUR HEART
Quote: You know I really feel like I need to tell him this, I haven't and so maybe this is the "reassurance" he's looking for that can let him relax. And also include the "I will try to still be here if in the end you did decide I am the one you want to be with"
Ask for what you want! Tell him you want to save your M. Or work on a R with him. Don't ask him a question just tell him what you want.
If saying it face to face is a 180 than do it face to face. If you feel upset about telling him, then do nothing!
Quote: what they're really saying to themselves is "I've breached the most sacred trust imaginable and I can't believe she'd EVER trust or believe in me again and I cannot live with THAT."
It's really THIER insecurity and fears that WE will never really be able to love them again that keeps them at bay it's thier fear of our rejecting them ultimately. They're to confused and conflicted that's it's hard for them to see that for themselves.
It is a fear of mine, also. I'm working so hard on getting him back that I haven't thought past that point. Meaning if he does come back, will all of my true feelings come out and that maybe I won't be able to forgive him? In my heart I have forgiven him, but I know he's afraid of me constantly throwing it his face as I did a lot of that when we were together, so I understand where that fear is coming from, but I know better now.
Quote: NO DAMN CARDS...Loving someone is NEVER having to pay Hallmark to say what's really in YOUR HEART
Your are too funny....you just wrote a Hallmark card. This sounds like that old lady that has her own line of Hallmark cards...
Is it because he has to feel around and get reassured the only way he knows how? Or that I should offer them myself as I'm not sure how to do that either, it seems to make him thing everything's okay the way it is then doesn't it? I have to keep living my life, I can't sit at home and wait for H to come home. Is that what he's thinking I should do now?
actually this would be a 180 to do it face-to-face. 
