Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Changing Man

That's precious.

No, cutter, though I know a bit and am slightly familiar with Paul Weller. I'll have to check it out.
Thanks.

Very funny, Bunny. Wife and I learned long time ago when traveling (or shipping) don't forget the batteries (God forbid) just put them in backwards so there's no embarrassing audible mishaps or TSA Security searches
And with that, I wish all my naughty, funny friends a good night and thanks again for all the LOLs, ROFLMAOs, Kilt-peeing and all Dia's other variations on same.

Loong, cathartic rambling and journaling.

Pictures of baby Adeline are on GardenerMan's alt if anyone's interested.

So, I've decided that, yes, I will go on retreat next month. That letter I wrote on last year's retreat just two hours pre-bomb just crushed me when I received it earlier this week.

Also, just squeezed the already "squoze" budget and bought a ticket to go to Chicago to see BestStepDaughterInTheWorld and baby Adeline (and dad, of course) tomorrow morning. Quick visit: up and back the same day.

StepDaughter called me yesterday. We spoke for almost two hours. It was so good to hear her voice again. She had made a rule, a boundary, that during her pregnancy she would only speak to me and my wife via email so as not to get drawn into our woes and separate versions of same. Mrs. G got the occasional pass, understandably, but I haven't heard my girl's voice since March.

We had a great time! And we did talk a bit about the sitch and she agreed with me re: her mother's pattern of cutting people off, shutting them out, and walking away for good when she's reached her level of pain or disappointment.

StepDaughter emailed me this morning saying while she does agree with that theory and has seen it in action before, she does not "agree as fully" in light of the fact that I had said the Bomb (I didn't use that word), "Came out of the Blue. Out of the Blue!!" "I do not agree as fully, From what I know she clearly and regularly communicated unhappiness and concern about your relationship over an extended period of time."

I thanked her for that and for yesterday's talk and agreed with her that we should probably return lovingly to our 'cease and desist' policy.

Mrs. G and daughter used to talk 60-90minutes a day until one day months ago stepdaughter said (paraphrase), "Enough. I am your daughter! I cannot be your confidante. Please stop. I love you both and shouldn't be put in this position"

While I am a Dumb Ass Man, as some used to jokingly say on this site, and I sure as hell could, would, and probably did miss signals, I gotta believe that Stepdaughter is the only one to whom wife "clearly and regularly communicated unhappiness and concern about your relationship over an extended period of time." That, I would not have missed: depression or no depression. Indeed, as I've said before all I remember was a typical spring and summer of fun, romantic, sexy trips, spontaneity - us - until the bomb.

So, off I go tomorrow. Wife will be arriving sometime tomorrow and staying through Wednesday. Stepson, sometime tomorrow until Monday. I will be the surprise and I will enjoy, rejoice, celebrate with, and love them - all - as we take our first awkward steps in navigating and defining our new norm.

I look better, feel better, am better than I've been in months. Back to strenuous resistance training, hiking, meditating daily, eating like the nutrition-nut I've always been and I am a nonsmoker. I'veGALed (a bit), 180ed even more but nothing has affected the sitch. I don't know what, if anything, she wanted or expected post bomb. Whatever it may have been I certainly didn't do it right, even after finding this site, DR, and telecoaching 7 months post-bomb.

I lost her without knowing I was losing her. I would have moved heaven and earth to have the old us no, a wonderfully different, better, and new us back.

But I had already lost my Janet. My companion, friend, playmate, partner, lover, wife, soulmate. Something I never would have let happen. But happen it did. Out of the blue (to me). And I don't know why. She has never really wanted to discuss it, even in MC. Our last R talk was February 25th.

And finally, she lost me. After these eleven months of...less and less and less.

So why am I haunted with the feeling that there is something I have not tried, revealed, exposed, offered that would make the difference? Something I missed?

And why, why, why do I often still believe in the deepest recesses of my heart - of my very being - that she is still in there, right behind those cold, dead eyes and disdainful expression afraid to come back out anymore? Damned if she'll let herself be hurt again.
I feel it.
I cannot reach it.

Detached? Sometimes. But usually absolutely bereft.

"For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle,
Nor when fiery bodies lose their heat.
It lies panting, exhausted,
Expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale."

Richard A. McCray

If you read all this, God Bless You. I needed this.

You too Gardener.

Because we are sentimental fools. You have to keep the faith that some day -- either here or in Heaven -- they'll have to answer to themselves or even a higher power as to why they were so willing to throw good things away.

Thank you, Coach.

Just hadda anguish though it one more time before tomorrow.

I know I'm done. It's done.

Heck, when Coach has kind words but no advice or counsel, stick a fork in it; it's done!

So hard to accept.

Thanks again.

Nice post G. Have a good time in Chicago!

Glad to see you changed your mind about the retreat. Sounds like something you've always enjoyed.



I am haunted by the same feelings.

(((Gardener)))

I hate seeing you in a semi-dark place...Don't give up my friend...Just do what I did, step back and allow Him to do it...It took me months to figure out how to leave it at the cross and not pick it back up...I begged my pastor to please show me how but as you know it is something learned...I am happy to hear you are going on the retreat...You need it

When you have a second - Isaiah 42:16

You are in my prayers my friend.

Thanks, (((Serenity))). I'll check it out right now.

And Psalm 34:18 right back atcha.