Quote: Forgive me if I am asking something out of line. I am asking because I am in the same situation...
Your H has an OW, and are the two of you still physical?
If so, do you find that this helps keep a bond going for you?
You can ask me pretty much anything here. Not only does he have OW he's been living with her for the last six months, and yes he does call me at least weekly if not more to see if "I'm game" or if I'm still interested and/or if I'm thinking about sex with him.
If I can I take him up on his request as this is the way he feels bonded. Afterwards he's more loving towards me and considerate and it does last for a day or two.
I have no idea what goes on over OW's place, but am pretty sure there's not a lot of physical stuff...but then what do I know.
I just feel terrible today, how can H parade OW around in front of his brother and SIL? I mean he's a married man for godssake with a bimbo and how dare he call me and then try to make me out as the bad person? I'm the fool is what I am. Doesn't he realize how much he's hurting me? Doesn't he care?
Oh my god, I can't get this out of mind today. Then he buys SIL her birthday dinner and gives OW a bday party a month ago.
The party's over. Everthing I thought was so positive yesterday, those babysteps were H just trying to feel me out, to make it sound like it's all my fault that he's doing what he's doing, that I forced him to take OW to meet his family and then to call and call me just to check in to make sure everything is still how it should be in his mind.
Am I totally misreading him from yesterday? That his asking of this marriage is saveable was really him saying it's not? I mean I am so confused right now I feel like I'm back to square one and after I thought things were starting to turn around.
I really want to confront him on this weekend thing and ask him why he thought it was okay to take OW to meet his family...this just sucks What am I doing here, I should probably should move over to "surving the Big D"
Ok, so you've had a little bit of time in the pity party pit. Now it is time to come out and be the strong persong you know you are.
I also spent time being the OW's OW. I thought it would keep that bond going for him and keep us in contact. I had such a great time with him while we were together. He was loving and attentive. And the sex... oh my
Then I would go home and it would be Saturday night and I'm sitting at home and I start wondering what H is doing and with who. (My H does not live with OW) It drove me crazy.
I didn't want to feel bad in between feeling good. And I also thought about what if things ever did really work out. I didn't want our new R to start out that way. I didn't want him to come back just because we have been sharing a bed. I wanted him to come back REALLY. It needs to be a choice to stop with OW and come back.
Seems like it is fence sitting, cake eating.....
Now I am no expert and of course who knows how this will all turn out. All of these things have happened in the last week for me.
Thanks for checking in...he is fence sitting and I'm ready to knock him off.
He's getting everything his way...I'm ready to write THE letter and let him know I'm not going to put up with this anymore either poop or get off the pot as T2 put it.
I can't handle this anymore, the pain, it's killing me.
The letter thing can be trouble. Come here with it first. I understand the pain, I felt it too, that is why I did what I did.
One more suggestion if I may... Wait a day or two to do anything I'm hearing lots of anger. (rightfully so) However, it won't serve you well in your efforts.
You need to find a way to firmly, gently set what you will and won't put up with. I read and re read HB's posts to I think it was Leep. There are a few good ones in there about this same issue. She talks about fear and how Leep was afraid of the future and she had to be willing to let all of that go to possibly save her M. Also, she talked about breaking the cycle. Some good stuff there. Its a ways back so it takes some doing to find it.
Quote: It needs to be a choice to stop with OW and come back.
I drink to this! So sit back Cathy and Water because until they are ready to give OW up...I don't want H back until he is ready to make a comittment to me. No dragging the dead pussy(OW) around behind him! I want my H back because he wants to be. And I know my H feels too guilty to even think about it until he gives the dead cat up for good.
Man she is stinky !
So come on girls! Park your butt here with me! Don't worry our H's will have to get off the fence sooner or later! Its hard on the crotch!
I am standing for the healing of my M....I will not give up, give in or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made the vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave the ring, I took the ring, I gave myself, I trusted God, and said the words, and meant the words...in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
On my drive home from work I was a mess, I yelled, I screamed, cried and called H every name in the book and had some choice words for the wench, also.!! Now I feel so much calmer, I'm kind of tried, but calmer. Maybe I just need to do that, I don't know. It came out of nowhere and I had been doing so well. Sometimes I think a lot of has to do with hormonal situation.
I can't help but feel sometimes he does things to get back at me, like his plans to go up North. It was after I had told him what my plans were for the weekend that he did come back to me the next day and say "I can't babysit son I'm going to be gone" like there I'll show you I have things to do, too!! Then afterwards he regrets it, but has to carry through on them. Then has to get ahold of me as soon as he can to make sure things are still okay with me. SO because he feels guilty he then has to bait me and bring up the reasons why he wasn't happy and see if he can get a reaction out of me. He did this 4th of July weekend, also, but that time he actually said "that there were days he wished he'd never have left"
And Water, there won't be a letter either. Thank you so much for coming to my rescue and talking sense to me. And I did find the thread you were telling me about, I haven't gotten all the way through but it's very interesting and insightful
Also, most days I do thank God just to let him know I know he's watching over me. When I went to pick son up, I was told that he wouldn't take a nap today and therefore wound up like you wouldn't believe. So of course he needed all my attention tonight. H was going to stop over and then changed his mind which was also a good thing, don't know if I was ready to face him. And, son is now sleeping for the night so I can meditate or relax in front of the TV for awhile. So except for the couple of hours at my pity party today was okay!!
Thank goodness for you wonderful people, I don't know where I'd be without you!!
Thanks Deb, Water and LL--yeah I should tell him to call the Wench, I don't think she puts out though.
Is your stomach flipping from this stretch of the roller coaster Cath??? Yikes!
Now, your take on H's questions to you MAY be accurate, but there ARE other possibilities!
How about he really IS confused as heck...wondering HOW in the WORLD could you ever really take him back after this???
Thus scared as hell to let the OW go...in case you just laugh in his face and say..."how does it feel, loser" !!!
Is that crazy? Yes. Is it weak? YES.
I don't know, but I sense your H really testing your waters so to speak...I think he's torn up inside at the thought of you moving on to a new life, new love without him.
I think He's PROJECTING a lot of his own ambivalence on to YOU...Fair?...NO!!!
I mean the comments about you not wanting to do things with him any more...talk about a pity party!! As insane as it is...it looks like he's looking for reassurances from YOU!
Now there are choices you can make here...keep offering him reassurances, keep reaching out, keep the bridge lowered.
You HAVE been doing this all along, though haven't you? How has it worked?
Now recently you stood up for yourself in big ways...THAT seems to have gotten his attention...wondering if there are other 180's in here somewhere??
What am I doing here, I should probably should move over to "surving the Big D"
!
