Sounds like this OW isn't such a bad OW. I think maybe she thought she was talking to someone, an old dear friend but quickly realized she crossed a line with him when he "joked" about meeting up with her and she's trying to do the right thing...be nice, but firm about "I don't want to see you, this isn't what you think it is." Be grateful about that and hope she stays away.
I think you need to lay low and ride this out. Stay out of his space and let him come to you. You and D just go about life and live as you should.
There's really not much you can do to snap him out of this anyways.
Sorry you are here... it's a good place to be when you are in the middle of this mess.
Your H has an emotional affair (probably PA as well) with this woman. His up an downs, the words he is using are all so typical. I know it maybe hard to accept the connection he feels for her but ... dont deny the truth.
Read the DR and the "not just friends" books. Right now I think you are fighting a fantasy he has made in his head. I dont think there is another way to deal it than to serve him with some tough love while at the same time become the fantasy he would have problems leaving behind.
In my mind I have no doubts he is constantly contemplating if the exit is the way that would bring him closer to his dream. Old flames are always problems...
Dont expect him to be rational or fair to you or your past. He will dig out every litle thing he can remember that bothered him and blow it out of proportion to justify HIS thoughts to HIMself.
It's all standard procedure around here... How you handle it, can make the difference.
Read other's threads and PLEASE try to avoid our mistakes. Right now you need to pull back and try to find your self confidence which I am sure took a blow. The sooner you will get your balance, the better it will be for you. Stay strong, this may take a while. K
One more thing...I think your H is "smarting" right now for the smack down and rejection from OW not wanting to see him. Just keep monitoring that situation and let him sulk.
I think it's highly unlikely there has been a PA. But then, if you'd asked me 6 months ago, I'd say this whole scenario was highly unlikely.
Reasons against (this is for my piece of mind as well): She is over 600 miles away and the only time he was gone for any length of time was from a Saturday morning until Sunday late afternoon/early evening. She is also an avid photographer who posts pics almost daily on her blog and on flickr. She had several pics from that weekend posted that all appeared to be in her home area so I don't think she met him halfway.
One thing my H keeps stressing is that he feels like I don't trust him and that really offends him. I do trust him physically, I just don't think he recognizes that it was/is an EA. I'm not sure he thinks an EA even counts.
I definitely need to read these boards more and reread the DR book...especially in those times I'm feeling particularly vulnerable.
I think a lot of people don't recognize the harm an EA can do, or even recognize what an EA is. One problem with that is that it means that when/if you "confront" them about the EA, they don't understand how you can be upset.... they don't even see that there is any kind of "A" going on, so they are offended.
I would say that if you are wondering, there's not much of a question.
Right. I wasn't clear at all. I'm thinking of seeing the same counselor we were seeing together. I'm comfortable with her and she knows the situation. I'm sure we'd explore other things too, but she seems rather solutions oriented rather than the "tell me about your mother" stereotype.
Is this a good idea or should I find someone else?
I've always been interested in photography. H knows this. I've wanted to take a class for years, just never seemed to have the time/money. I even bought a used DSLR camera and a couple of lens about 2 years ago. I would like to include that in my GAL plan.
The problem is OW is into photography. She has a pretty good eye for it, in fact. Of course, as a single woman with no kids, she has the time to develop her skill.
Anyway, is choosing the same hobby as OW just inviting comparison and therefore trouble?
Choose the hobby for you! You already have the gear, and you have been interested for a long time. He should know that. If he doesn't, he isn't paying attention. No need to even tell him you are doing it, really, unless he asks. Don't hide it, but you don't have to advertise, either.
If the C is content to see you alone, and you like her, I don't see why not. It might eliminate the possibility of seeing her together though, in the future, so think about that before you decide!
