I miss H tonight, I haven't missed him in awhile, or maybe I haven't let myself miss him.
How come inside I feel like I am now waiting for H to come back? I feel like he's been testing the waters the last couple of weeks. I think he's really thinking about coming back although he hasn't said a word either way.
Why? Because there is no reason why he shouldn't come back. I know he's still in MLC, but maybe he at the stage where he's coming out of the tunnel as they call it. Maybe last night I scared him back into the tunnel, I don't know, but I know he couldn't believe it when I told him not to come back if he was going to call me names. And that was the only reason that I told him not to come back..the look on his face was something I just can't describe or put a finger on right now. Usually when he's mad he slams the door, throws stuff into the house, but he didn't do that last night.
I'm getting so tired of the mind games, I want to just be real honest with him from now on...I've acted as if for so long it's me now. Is that good? Is six months for long enough for changes to take place and hold? I know I'll have to work on things, as witnessed last night, things like really listening, etc.
I also feel like he needs to decide to come back here for things to go forward and for the real changes to take place.
I have been told that H and I have R talks too much. To an extent that is true. I do know that in my sitch (we are S, 5 months) when I completely feel like I have had it, I do bring up a question or a frustration of mine which leads into a R talk. After H and I talk and I understand how H is thinking/feeling, I feel a whole lot better.
My 2 cents: if you really feel like a good talk is warranted than do it. If you get good results then GREAT, if you don't get good results then you know what not to do.
You know what I decided last night, I'm okay exactly the way I am. In the last six months a lot of my resentment, bitterness, poor me, and chip on my shoulder have slowly gone away and I am happier, the real me is finally coming out.
All of my H's complaints about why he wasn't happy are his problem and just excuses/reason for what he is doing now. I could become the perfect woman and he'd still find something wrong with me. And, I could have been the perfect woman when he was realizing he wasn't happy and it still wouldn't have mattered either. I've been reading all the different sitchs of other LBS's and some of the R have been perfect, the LBS cooked, cleaned, thought they had a great R and then the S decides "hey I'm not happy"
So why am I trying to be a perfect cook, cleaner, perfect mother, etc. Everything I do to my H is wrong, well he's not there right now and I'm doing my best with raising a child, cooking for my son, cleaning, carrying on by myself. I can do this and am doing it.
My H is going to always find something wrong with what I'm doing and I'm not going to let him anymore. He's not happy, he has the problem not me, he needs to figure out what he's going to do, he needs to grow up and be a man. He's been so angry for so long that something has to give eventually. I mean he's going to wear himself out and kill himself eventually. That's the only place I see him going unless he snaps out of it...he just doesn't care!!
I'm going to stop fueling the fire. Just not respond to his critisms anymore because it just doesn't matter. I am going to start standing up to him and not let him push me around or make me feel bad becuase he feels bad anymore.
The last couple of weeks I keep saying I feel normal, well it dawned on me last night why that means. The anxiety is gone, the desparateness, the fear, the I can't live without H, it's gone for now. That's why I'm feeling normal again, like I did before this all happened. And his MLC is been going on well before he mentally checked out of this R.
Right now, I don't want him back the way he is OW can have him...until/unless he snaps out of his fog and realizes what he's left behind and that it's the best thing that's ever happened to him. When I got married my mom said that H was the best thing that ever happened to me, well she had it backwards I'm the best thing that ever happened to H.
I know, I know I'm ranting. But I need to get this out of me and put it here.
I also want to say that small changes are happening with H, I can see them, they are not consistent, but they are happening. I will continue to be ME around him, the new me, someone who is kind, thoughtful, considerate and loving AND someone who will not be intimated or afraid to speak her mind either. If H does make it out to the other side of what he's going threw I see him as being someone I would want to be with, because he does have some really great things going for him, things that drew me to him to begin with, but I only get rare glimpses of that man.
Well enough for now I suppose I should get some work done since I'm getting paid to be here....
Quote: I then said leave this house and don't come back. He says I'll come back here whenever I want to. I said not if you're going to call me names you're not. He just stopped and stared at me, like he couldn't believe I said it. I then said thank you for taking son this weekend I'm sure he had a good time. Bye.
My own post from Saturday....so is the ball in his court now? He hasn't called me yet which is odd for a Monday.
Am I pathetic or what? My big post this morning is ashes as of now. So I decide to go shopping during lunch, stop at my car to get cell phone, it won't turn on!!! So what do you think I do, ASSume the worst!!! H has turned it off!! It's in his name, he did threaten last week to take it back, once again. So I'm thinking I can't believe he did this....so I get in my car and am going to drive to his jobsite...except I have no idea where it is. So I just spend the last half hour driving around looking for it and trying like heck to get my cellphone on. Well the lights or something should at least come on as before I got this one my old phone came on even after it wasn't being used anymore. I'm in a panic the whole time, anxiety back, can't figure our what's wrong. Finally I calm down enough and realize he wouldn't turn it off just because I told him to leave Saturday night...why do I think the worst! I can't find his jobsite so I come back to my office and decide to call him, ASSuming his phone is turned off and that he won't want to talk to me ever again, but his phone is not turned off. I leave a message saying hi, just called to see how your day is going and to call me if he had a chance....well after I hung I tried my cellphone number and it's NOT disconnected, I can leave a voicemail!! So everything I said early today about anxiety, etc., is null and void. Maybe worse may be the fact that the phone might be broke and H paid for it..
Why can't I have more faith in my H especially when I think he should have more faith in me? Why do I always ASSume the worst? I do this for a lot of other things, too. But, my runaway mind just took over on this one.
If I would have found his jobsite I would have just told him I was visiting, to see how he was doing, he wouldn't get mad at me there.
What is wrong with ME? At least I'm figuring out not to flip out ON HIM and to really think about things, by the time I made it back to my office I had managed to calm down a little and believe that H wouldn't do that just because of what I said Saturday night...I just can't believe myself sometimes.
Does the WAS swing like a pendulum, back and forth, back and forth, like I do? Oh my gosh, I think I'm fine and than I'm not, think I'm fine then I'm not..but the pendulum is just an object. It just does what it's programmed to do...oh, oh did I hit on something here.
I waffle too much also. Which is a bad habit that goes way back. I know I've said I change my mind a lot and that it drives my H mad, well imagine being me! It drives me mad somedays, also.
I cannot believe how I wacked out about the cell phone thing today, it was an awful feeling, but it was based on my conversation with H Saturday night, where I told him to leave and not come back, if he called me names. I am now okay with what I said to H Saturday night after he called me an a****** even though I might have deserved it, I finally stood up to him. I had a bad dream last night about it too...
This might have scared him back into his tunnel, but I guess that's okay, I stood up for myself. I was right to do that and to be very honest it's only the second time in my life that I've ever stood up to someone, stood for something I believed in even though it might mean losing that person for what I said.
I just let it really get to me today and I WISH I wouldn't have called him today either. He has no idea what I wanted and didn't call me back so he's bugged. BTW--called the cellphone company they told me what to do and it worked and phone is fine.
Why do I think I'm that important that he would spend the whole weekend plotting to get even with me. When I came home tonight I was half expecting the rest of his stuff to be gone, also. I sometimes expect the worst in a situation and work through my feelings before anythings happened, just to prepare myself mentally and this might not be a good idea.
I thought I had learned to defeat my negative thinking, but this might take a little since I've been negative most of my life. I sometimes like to compare it to an optimistic person, an Optimist is always looking on the good side and it's probably really hard for them to be negative, it's not natural. As a negative person has a hard time being positive, it's not natural.
Thank's for the support. After I said what I said, I so despartely wanted to take it back, to call H right away and say I'm so sorry...but for what? That I said don't call me names anymore? I am standing strong. I did do the right thing.
I was reading at the MLC board about protecting kids and yourself from WAS, and that if you have to stand up for yourself/kids and it sets WAS back a little then that's okay.
Drop the whip and step back several paces from it.
Don't continue to beat yourself for this past weekends confrontation. YOU were well within your rights to stand firm on YOUR boundaries and your refusal to be spoken to like an emotionally abused child by your H.
If that made HIM angry...to bad so sad....he'll get over it. DON'T apologize for having personal boundaries, to ANYONE.
Also, welcome to the Zig Zag Club. You are now a member in good standing with others, like myself, who say/feel one thing one minute and then say/feel something completely different the next. IT'S ALL PERFECTLY NORMAL. Hugs 2 U T2
